Counselor Wrote:I'm quite confused: why waste all the effort and time to check up on your boyfriend and then pretend you didn't when you could have just told him it was over?  mh:
excellent question.
i think deep down i had the belief that in due time, when his insecurities were put at rest, he would forget about grindr. i wanted to believe he wasn't really in there looking for sex with other people, but just to "see what was out there".
i was never faced with such a situation: he pursued me. he was the one who called most of the time. he came to my house. we spent a lot of time together. quality time. anyone who witnessed would have said we were the perfect couple. i tried as much as i could to ease his insecurities, which i believe were caused by him thinking i was "out of his league". i asked him once (before we started seeing each other again) why he was using it. his reply was: "i wanted to open the umbrella since we were already heading for a storm".
besides, i had already made clear my dislike for his grindr activities once. i wasnt going to repeat myself like an old record and start a fight every day over it. still, i wanted to know if he was still using it; and i attempted to show my disapproval through my actions as described in my OP.
and then finally, it was hypocrisy i couldnt stand. he would start the argument by acting like a spoiled 5 year old who didn't get his sweet and i would boil up inside having to listen and watch his theatrics whilst knowing he had spent the whole afternoon in grindr. and then after many nasty things had been said, grindr would eventually come up and all of a sudden he wasn't as hurt any more.
and that was what i find so difficult to understand.
but most important of all. i wanted HIM to end the relationship. and he did when he said he wanted to be with other people. i loved him, and i didnt want to deal with a heavy conscious or regret of dumping him without being 100% sure i was being reasonable in my expectations of grindr and what he was using it for.
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BobInTampa Wrote:Addicted to Grindr? NOPE! Addicted to PORN? Yep. Addicted to food, booze, drugs, buying stuff: YES.
I don't think this is as much an issue of an addiction to Grindr, rather, a guy who CONSTANTLY needs to be validated as "desireable."
Look, men as a species are vein and frail. And for some, like your ex, even in the PERFECT relationship, he'll have a nagging fear that he's "settled" and that there might be someone else better out there for him (and we're talking just about looks and body - sexual attraction). It's not that he's NOT attracted to you, he both FEARS there might be someone HOTTER than you AND, he needs to know that that HOT GUY is interested in him.
now, all that said, does that mean he's a cheater? Not necessarily. My partner and i have been monogamous for 3 years..we're VERY happy, have a great sex life and we both have accounts/profiles on pretty well-known hookup sites. Our profiles make it clear we're not looking to cheat, lie or hookup...just online to meet new friends and chat with old friends.
We trust each other 100%. We both go on each other's accounts at will, because we both accept the fact that it FEELS GOOD to know there are guys out there who find us attractive and desireable. The DIFFERENCE is, we know that those feelings are JUST feelings. It feels good to know a hot, guy with a big dick and a hot body likes one of us.....but we both know that the total quality and quantity of what makes us a strong couple can't be replaced with someone in an online profile (most of which, as we all know, have probably lied about some or all of the image they post on a profile.)
It's more about being secure in who you are - then who you want to be or want others to belive you to be. It's about being mature and honest. If he just was honest with you about why he's on grindr and that he's not looking to hook up and cheat - the discussion with him might have gone differently.
Clearly, by his jealous reactions, there IS something in him that wants to be with you. ANd unless the email you got from him talked about meeting for sex - it's really more an issue with him having poor self-esteem and self-confidence.
Now, if his email and profile make it 100% clear (and i mean CLEAR) that he's looking for random, no-strings-attached-sex - then all of what i posted above dosn't apply. He's a guy who's more into sexual conquest than being in a committed relationship (with you or anyone else for that matter.)
does this make sense to you?
perfect sense. this clarifies a lot actually.
was there anything i could have done in this situation? he doesn't like to discuss the relationship much less talk about him. he gets restless, changes subject... and ultimately if i press it would lead to an argument... you get the picture. i feel that if i try talking about *us* he will immediately switch to defensive mode and feel attacked.
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I tried Grindr once... I quickly removed it from my ipod. The creepiest thing is when it says that a guy is "20 centimeters away from you"(Um really ? I think I would've noticed that) Also I didn't even finished completing my profile that some freak who lives near me contacted me and asked me to send him pictures of myself. I tend to think that most people using this app are creeps or sex-addicts (even if I saw some cute guys in there,who lived like... 5000 km away from me). So I guess if someone is so addicted to it he probably isn't worth your time.
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!
Call me crazy,
call me insecure
but I try to leave no entry
for another person to invade my relationship.
Adam4adam/bgc/grindr/hookup sites count as threats
If I were you this relationship would be over b/c I am jealous
and there isn't enough trust in the world to convince me that
anything good is gonna come of him being on dating/hookup sites while in a RELATIONSHIP.
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Aeneas Wrote:Is it possible to be addicted to it? would it ruin your relationship if you knew your other half was constantly online?
i had this experience with a guy whom i started dating last year: aside from the silly arguments partners have every now and again, the relationship was going well. we had a great time together most of the time and i believe he was very much into me, and i liked him a lot.
so at one point he upgraded his dumb phone for an S3 and given a big fight we had had months before over his profile on MH, I told him in no uncertain terms that Grindr would not be adorning his screen of icons.
time passed and one night i became suspicious whilst going to a party at some friends house and decided to create a fake grindr account... and there he was ... real pic and everything. i did not confront him that night, i decided to wait and do my own thing for a few days to see what was really going on. i added him as a fav and realised he was online quite often. so i finally decided to send him a message with my fake account - and alas he replied with his email address.
so i visited him at his house the following day whilst pretending nothing was going on - on the contrary i was all over him. he, however, was less than impressed about me being enigmatic and somewhat detached for the past two days and i knew it would be a matter of minutes before the argument started. and started it did. after he was done complaining about not knowing where and with whom i was spending my time with, i showed him his grindr picture. he then elaborated on a conspiracy theory that *my* friends had created that profile in grindr to set him up. of course, i had the email. and he had to admit.
so we split for several months. recently, however, we bumped into each other at several parties in town and began seeing each other again. i thought he had learned his lesson...
curiously enough, though, he has not. he KNEW i would be suspicious about it, he KNEW i had a way of tracking his activity yet after we returned from a weekend trip together there he was again on grindr.
and the story repeats itself. i said nothing, did my own thing one evening after i saw he had spent the whole afternoon online. he then got mad at me when he found me at a nightclub later in the day. when i saw him i went to hug him and be with him but he was upset that i had not invited him over to my house and had failed to tell him what i had been doing. except that *this* time i confronted him and asked him if he wanted to be with other boys. and he said *yes*. i will never know for sure if he was serious or just mad at me. he did pursue me often, spent great time together and demonstrated jealousy when i was not around; but he just couldnt let grindr out of our lives. in any case, its over.
i understand grindr is an app to find casual *SEX*. am i wrong here? is there a place for Grindr in a relationship?
What can I say? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But really, in order for this sort of thing to work out in a relationship, I believe it has to be established from day one. Are we going to allow each other to be on these apps? Yes or no? If both parties can't come to an agreement, then that, right there, oughtta let you know that a relationship isn't going to work. Don't force someone to be something they're not.
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BobInTampa Wrote:Addicted to Grindr? NOPE! Addicted to PORN? Yep. Addicted to food, booze, drugs, buying stuff: YES.
I don't think this is as much an issue of an addiction to Grindr, rather, a guy who CONSTANTLY needs to be validated as "desireable."
Look, men as a species are vein and frail. And for some, like your ex, even in the PERFECT relationship, he'll have a nagging fear that he's "settled" and that there might be someone else better out there for him (and we're talking just about looks and body - sexual attraction). It's not that he's NOT attracted to you, he both FEARS there might be someone HOTTER than you AND, he needs to know that that HOT GUY is interested in him.
now, all that said, does that mean he's a cheater? Not necessarily. My partner and i have been monogamous for 3 years..we're VERY happy, have a great sex life and we both have accounts/profiles on pretty well-known hookup sites. Our profiles make it clear we're not looking to cheat, lie or hookup...just online to meet new friends and chat with old friends.
We trust each other 100%. We both go on each other's accounts at will, because we both accept the fact that it FEELS GOOD to know there are guys out there who find us attractive and desireable. The DIFFERENCE is, we know that those feelings are JUST feelings. It feels good to know a hot, guy with a big dick and a hot body likes one of us.....but we both know that the total quality and quantity of what makes us a strong couple can't be replaced with someone in an online profile (most of which, as we all know, have probably lied about some or all of the image they post on a profile.)
It's more about being secure in who you are - then who you want to be or want others to belive you to be. It's about being mature and honest. If he just was honest with you about why he's on grindr and that he's not looking to hook up and cheat - the discussion with him might have gone differently.
Clearly, by his jealous reactions, there IS something in him that wants to be with you. ANd unless the email you got from him talked about meeting for sex - it's really more an issue with him having poor self-esteem and self-confidence.
Now, if his email and profile make it 100% clear (and i mean CLEAR) that he's looking for random, no-strings-attached-sex - then all of what i posted above dosn't apply. He's a guy who's more into sexual conquest than being in a committed relationship (with you or anyone else for that matter.)
does this make sense to you?
Now, you make some really excellent points here... Never thought of it this way before.
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I know the thread is getting a little off topic...But I guess I'll give my two cents on Grindr.
I've had it on my phone...Never hooked up using it though. My biggest fear is out of the 50 or so guys I've spoken with on there (maybe even more) not a single one of them asked any preliminary questions.
A typical conversation goes like this:
Him: Hey
Me: Hey
Him: wanna fuck? (insert dick pic here)
Me: . . .
Then I get sent a place and time. There is literally no discussion concerning whether or not either of us practice safe sex. (I always use condoms). And then there's no mention of whether or not either of us are clean or have been tested.
As I said before, I've talked with a lot of guys on there and not a single one ever mentioned safe sex, HIV status, or being clean. The fact that there were no relevant discussions to important factors regarding sex led to me uninstalling the app.
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That is true, regarding above.
However, hooking up, I've always practiced safe sex, you sorta force the issue like it's the norm for you.
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