Am I the Third Wheel?

[gwe5876]

I've looked online for answers to situations like mine, but have not found anything similar to this...so here goes. My boyfriend of five months has a best friend, who lives out of town, that comes to stay with him most every other weekend. The first few months of our relationship, I had to be out of town many weekends due to family illness out of state. But, since January, my boyfriend and I spend most weekday evenings together, every Friday night and most Saturday nights.

My problem is that my boyfriend will not make plans with me on the weekends his friend plans to visit. On those weekends, they run errands together, eat out at fine restaurants, etc., and I am not invited to do any of this with them. Once, I was asked to go with them to a restaurant, so his friend could meet me. I suggested to my boyfriend that the three of us could do things together on those weekends, but he said that they have been doing this for the last four years, and it means a lot to him to have this alone time with his friend. He stated that we are together most of the time, and that he doesn't understand why this is an issue with me.

The thing that bothers me is that up until eight months ago (before I met my boyfriend) he told me that he had been secretly in love with him for all of those years. He finally made a move on him, but his friend did not accept his advances and made it clear to him that he just saw him as a friend.

His friend is quite the charmer, and a very exciting person to be around. From what I can tell, he really loves the admiration he gets from my boyfriend and continues to emotionally lead him on, but does not want a physical relationship with him. (They are 20 years apart in age. His friend is in his 30's and my boyfriend and I are in our 50's.) My boyfriend tells me that he is no longer in love with him, because his love was not reciprocated and he has to accept that truth. But it's apparent that his friend continues to have some kind of an emotional hold on my boyfriend.

Since I was not informed about my boyfriends prior feelings for his friend for the first four months, and I was out of town most of those weekends...I did not know that this was an issue and already began to have deep feelings for my boyfriend. I know that my boyfriend loves me, and the time we spend together is awesome. It's just that he does not treat me the same when his friend is around...and I'm totally left out on those weekends that his friend is visiting him. I'm trying to be patient with this, since our relationship is so new and it hasn't been that long since his feelings toward his friend were rejected.

We've had several serious talks about this, and he gets a little defensive and says that I'm just wanting him and his friend to end their friendship. My boyfriend said he feels terrible about making a move on his friend a few months ago and is so happy that his friend was understanding enough to want to remain friends with him. Since they have decided to remain friends, my boyfriend says that I should be understanding in that they need to still be able to continue to do things together alone, like they used to in the past. It would not bother me for them to do a few things alone on those weekends, I just want to be considered and at least asked to do some things with them on those weekends.

I would like to know if I should just accept this situation, or is my boyfriend being inconsiderate of me and my feelings? My previous gay relationship ended after 20 years, this is the first time I've been in love with another guy in 10 years. My relationship with my new boyfriend is great when his friend is not in town. At this age, it's very difficult to meet someone that has most of the qualities I enjoy. So, I would like to see this issue resolved if possible. Any suggestions as to how to resolve it?

[MisterTinkles]

If this is what he had previous to your relationship, and you arent wary of it, then I say theres nothing to worry about. Older men get more defensive for some reason. Possibly this is his only long lasting friend who is actually a friend?

They each know where they both stand in regards to each other, so its not anything thats being kept a secret.
I think the fact he told you about all of that is a sign he isnt hiding anything from you.

He also may be going through some kind of male menopause or high school phase, which can have effects like you described.

As long as he isnt staying overnight someplace with this other friend, then I say let him have his "free day" with his friend. Some people have to live with thier friend life separated from their private life for some reason. Maybe he's worried if the three of you start running around together, his friend might be more attracted to you than him and start ignoring him more.

Who knows for sure.

If you feel it isnt harmful and theres nothing really going on between them, then let him have his day with his friend.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sounds like the wheels on this bus are about to fly off...

From what you wrote - and only what you wrote and how you wrote it, it sounds a bit odd, a bit off.

What I read into it is that your BF is playing two potential fields here and trying to keep you two separate to see who pans out first.

That kid is leading him on emotionally, thus playing havoc with his ability to move on and get over the potential love. I bet every time that the kid leads him on his heart skips a beat and he gets the fleeting notion that there is a chance.

Then there is you, your relationship started off with you being unavailable for so long, so not he isn't certain if you are 100% committed or not. But there is the potential and he is 50, thus he most likely is well aware that there are not that many more buses coming down the line.

He sounds like he is hedging his bets and trying to 'win' in either case.

5 months. Have you two talked about more commitment, like moving in together? If not then why (rhetorical, I don't need to know). If so, then what was the outcome? Was a time period set, was there hemming and hawing about it by you? By him? Again, rhetorical - I don't need to know, you need to answer these questions for yourself and put this all in some perspective.

What is it that you ultimately want here? LTR, monogamous 'marriage'? IF so, then bring that subject up instead and see where it leads. Perhaps just talking about it and seeing you have a long term goal set here with him as your mate may lead to changes in how he holds on to this one friend.