Hello all, it has been a while since i have been on here. I have posted threads about my story. Anyway, still in the closet to all straight friends and family except to my sister. I find my self at this point where I want to come out but i realize that I am still ashamed of being gay. I still cry myself to sleep at night asking myself "why me" "why am i gay". It hurts! I just want to be happy. And I guess it was how i was raised and maybe just society has caused me to be homophobic as well. I have accepted the fact that I can't change. I am wanting to tell my folks but i am scared and maybe that has a lot to do with it. Do you think once I tell them, my self confidence will boost? I have been talking to a couple guys who want a relationship with me but I find myself scared to even meet them. I tell myself that I am scared to get caught but I think it's something deeper than that. I think that i am ashamed to be with another guy. As far as I go, i am as "masculine" as it gets, it gets to the point to where I think it was a mistake that i was gay. If i'm gonna be gay, why I couldn't be one of the fun and outspoken gay types that has no worries of judgement. I do have fun and have lots of friends but its all in straight type places. Idk I just hope things get better and soon...
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I think coming out shouldn't be a huge priority until you're happy with yourself. I found coming out to be an experience of both positive reactions and negative which had effects to my self esteem. The thing being that before coming out it's important to have a high value of self worth, and while you can't change being gay it's important to not be shameful about it.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and it's important to understand that, and be proud of who you are. Try therapy or groups, help yourself and learn to love everything about you. Then when you feel like you're confident come out, because before you can effectively expect others to accept you, you have to accept yourself. Also remember self worth has nothing to do with what others think of you, but how you view yourself, so try not let what others tell you affect how you view yourself. Hope something there helps!
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I'm pretty sure every gay person goes through those feelings. After all only a masochist would WANT To make their own life (potentially) harder.
Coming out is as much a way of accepting yourself as it is asking for others to accept you. The fact that you reconize you're gay means you're at least a step up of people who will live forever in denial or confusion.
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There is no justification for being gay. You don't need one, it just is, like being born male, female, black, white, schizophrenic, or a genius.
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Counselor Wrote:it just is, like being born male, female, black, white, schizophrenic, or a genius.
or a transgender mixed race schizophrenic genius
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inthecloset Wrote:Hello all, it has been a while since i have been on here. I have posted threads about my story. Anyway, still in the closet to all straight friends and family except to my sister. I find my self at this point where I want to come out but i realize that I am still ashamed of being gay. I still cry myself to sleep at night asking myself "why me" "why am i gay". It hurts! I just want to be happy. And I guess it was how i was raised and maybe just society has caused me to be homophobic as well. I have accepted the fact that I can't change. I am wanting to tell my folks but i am scared and maybe that has a lot to do with it. Do you think once I tell them, my self confidence will boost? I have been talking to a couple guys who want a relationship with me but I find myself scared to even meet them. I tell myself that I am scared to get caught but I think it's something deeper than that. I think that i am ashamed to be with another guy. As far as I go, i am as "masculine" as it gets, it gets to the point to where I think it was a mistake that i was gay. If i'm gonna be gay, why I couldn't be one of the fun and outspoken gay types that has no worries of judgement. I do have fun and have lots of friends but its all in straight type places. Idk I just hope things get better and soon...
Hi 
you know, try to substitute the word gay with something else. What about "small"? Or anything other - simply different.
I think that you don't have problem with being gay, but with being different than the majority. Because, trust me, MANY straight people feel just like you are right now. It's about the lack of self-confidence, not being gay.
And no, with your coming out, chances are very high that you self-confidence will not boost. If things goes not well, it will be worst. And by "not well" I mean also the possibility that nothing will happen. You are thinking about it all the time, it's a big issue for you, but when you come out, someone may say "Oh, ok. Do you know that the restaurant down the road is closing down?" You may hope that after coming out SOMETHING will happen, but then you realize that it's not the case. That for the people around you it's simply not as important and as big issue as it has been for you. And you may feel even more lonely.
Try to work on your self-confidence. I bet there are lots of nice things about you that you simply refuse to see. You are a human being, that is what defines you. Not being gay. Many straight people are unhappy and can't find the right partner. That's not about which gender you prefer.
If it helps, tell yourself to look for friends for some time (a year?), not for partners. Work on your feelings and on the way you are seeing yourself. Forget about gay or straight. Look at yourself as at a man and search for all good things in yourself. I am sure there are many of them
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Amen to what Armandork has written.
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I think I'm too late here to contribute much that's original. Everyone else has it about right.
Reading your post, a couple of things stand out. You want to be one of the fun and outspoken sort of gays; looks to me like you've come to terms with the gay thing and would just rather be a bit more outrageous. You'd probably feel just the same if you were straight. Also you're anxious to come out to those close to you, so you know who you are and have an urge to share it. It's a big leap, but could that be because, really, you do actually like yourself? Hope so.
On the whole, given what you suggest is your background you've come a long way. If it were physically possible I'd suggest you give yourself a pat on the back.
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cardiganwearer, giving your post, I would suggest you to change your signature 
And inthecloset, don't leave the forum again. It would be nice to see you around more often.
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Nick9, it's very kind of you to suggest that. I'll leave it for the moment, let's call it insurance  mile:.
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I don't want to be gay.
