Need some relationship help.

[infleto]

I am 24, gay and in love, (please over look grimmer as I am upset at the time of writing this)

My boyfriend of 5 years lives with me in our little apartment of 3 years. I fully love him, yet we have drifted. We have trouble as all relationships do. The last 2 years he has pulled away. Yet, Over the last 4 month a few issues have came to light that had gone noticed before.

He keeps of his unhappiness hidden from me. I wants me to "read him" and just know that something is wrong. Yet when I miss something he fell as if I do not care. He is searching for someone who understands him. But gets a feeling of rejection from me if I do not pick up on what is bothering him.

Then there is sex, We are both versatile. I have a much stronger sex drive than him to start. however, do to his unhappinesses his sex drive gets suppressed. This leaves me feeling needy,
His penis is also on the large side, and even after 5 years it freaking hurts. I love to bottom and have with other people. With his dick I need a lot of time to get it in, and when he wants to sex he wants it now. He love to bottem when our relationship is ok. But he still needs and wants to top. This has leaded to sexual anorexia in our relationship.

As a result, I act very "clingy" in public and at home, I latch on to him, I desperately want intimate contact. However, when I am being clingy it sends the wrong message. My boyfriend's friends think i am trying to "mark my territory". It creates a social barrier. My boyfriend is not all that in to PDA eather. I think I would not be so clingy if we had more sex.

Additionally, I found him and his friend masturbating. At the time my boyfriend did have feelings for him. but we are not in a open relationship.
I knew that we where slipping long before, so I used his cheating as a way to guilt him in to doing thing I wanted. I guilt-ed him in to bing more affectionate that he really wanted to be. I was very angry and took my "punishment" too far by interrupting in his normal social life. Over the last 4 months it has grown to the point that he is depressed. All of his friends hate me as they see me as the source of his depression.

And so is our downward spiral, It start off happy, then my boyfriend gets up set form me, work, or whatever. If is notice we are ok, If I don't he gets a little feeling of rejection, Over time the little feeling adds up. and my boyfriend tries to protect him self by pulling away. I get needy form the lack of attention and start forcing my way in to his life. Doing this puts off his friends and him even more fueling his need to pull away.

It has now reached a tipping point. My boyfriend wants to move to a new city with a friend, (he dose not have feeling for this guy) He wants to get away form a job he hates, and a relationship he is depressed in.
the move is in 2 months. If he really loves me, I am moving too. I am staying here if he dose not.

So, in an effort to gain some perspective and to let each other "breath" we are taking a break for 1 month. The idea is to allow him to see if I am what is causing his continual sadness or if it is part self-imposed. I what him to see that he can change how he communicates what is troubling him. So we can grow as a couple.

Also, the break gives me a chance to detach from him. It will let me see why I love him. My boyfriend fells that I am just comfortable with him, and I don't really like him as a person. Separating permanently would be much easer if I date another guy and see that other people can give me what he can.

One month form now we are going to try to see if we have any attraction. My boyfriend and I well "date" as if we are a new couple. Hopefully he will show some true affections, I also hope sex will be on the menu.
After a week we will decide if are commented to each other and face our issues of commutations and social interactions. Or if it is not worth the effort.

Here is where I need help, I have no clue how to pull my self away form him over the next month, he is all I know. and more importantly I don't know how to get him to fall in love with me again. Dating is not something I am in practice of what do I do??? Help.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You can't make people fall in love.

He most likely loves you, its just not that powerful 'In love' type love. It happens. Most relationships mature over time and 'in love' gives way to 'love'.

Your being clingy and needy is a problem - it is something he cannot support and is unable (not unwilling) to satisfy your need. That won't change, it won't change with a month apart, it won't change with dating, it won't change if you two break up and go your separate ways for several months and have lots of sex with lots of other people.

You will have needs, he will be unable to satisfy them.

You cannot change him. You can, however, change yourself - if you choose to.

As for his penis... That won't change either. If its that big of a problem then you two need to come up with some other acts to perform, or you and he need to stop having sex in that way.

I think what is really happening is that you two have grown distant and apart. Further you two are vastly different people than you were 5 years ago. What you kids fail to understand is that when you are 18-19 years old you are still full of childhood ideals about what being an adult is. Through your twenties you get real world experiences and get taken down a peg or three and that has profound changes on you as person, your needs/desires/dreams undergo some serious changes during the first decade of adulthood.

Its called maturity, and with most relationships that start off so early, the changes that experiences make in people often end up driving two people apart.

He is unhappy, you are unhappy and unless you both are willing to actually work on the issues (taking a vacation and dating 'like new' does not address the underlying issues) you both will remain unhappy.

Apparently he knows what he wants - he wants to move away - move away from the job, move away from the relationship, move away from you???

He is searching for someone else.... Sorry, you obviously cannot give him what he wants/needs.

Its ok, because if you look at this honestly you can clearly see you are not getting what you want/need from him.

I think right now you are still in love with the memory of 'us' and not really in love with him.

When relationships reach a point where the people are calling for a 'break' from the relationship it means the relationship is actually over, and has been over - just neither one of them wants to be the bad guy and say 'It is finished'.

Everything that has happened and is happening will still be there. Even if you two take a month vacation and start dating, everything that has happened can't be un-happened. The feelings and emotions these things cause will still be there.

The only real route that will work to salvage this relationship is for you two to go to a couples counselor and start addressing your issues. YOU address your neediness/clingy-ness, he deals with his depression. And whatever else is there.

Even then what you most likely will discover is that both of you have grown beyond this relationship and both of you need new things that neither can fully give. It happens. Life is about change, people constantly change, develop, grow....

[Nick9]

Hi,
I am afraid it's too late, Infleto. I am sorry. You need to talk, not to simply be away from each other for one month. But I don't think he wants to talk. It would take a lot of effort, and I think that he has already decided that a fresh start would be better.
I can't blame him. You grew apart and over the time you hurt each other too much.

[pellaz]

Just a what if:
The same thing happens in your next gay LTR?