Hey Guys,
My boyfriend of 2 and half years has got what I would consider severe bulimia. It started when he was 14/15 and saw it on TV in an attempt to be skinny. When I first got with him he was doing it, but after about 1 year he had stopped. It soon started again after he had put on weight. We got help trough a eating disorder clinic but this hasn't done anything. He is currently on a diet of just shakes, but on weigh in night will 'binge'. He will do this a couple times during the week if he gets the chance (out for a family meal). Then will go for a bath and that's when e will bring it back up. I usually know he is doing it but I don't know what to do. When he is in a 'bulimia' / 'depressed' mood (suffered from depression for 2 years previously) he really takes it out on me and becomes this horrible man, angry, upset, frustrated. I know I don't help matters because I have started to argue back, but it's because it's hard to hear "it's because of you I do it" "your evil" and other various nasty words and phrases.
What can I do to help? Do I go in the bathroom whilst he is doing it and pull him away? I just don't know... It's ruining out relationship as I feel like I can't handle it and want to walk out  .
Thank you in advance x
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Therapy. I cannot tell you how often this suggestion is useful.
•
When he is in 'Evil' mode, you just have to remember that it isn't you partner talking, it is the illnesses talking, so yeah it is kinda wrong to get upset and frustrated, but at the same time it is also understandable.
It seems like you don't understand much about his illness's, so how can you help him if you don't understand?
What you can do to help is learn about the illnesses he is suffering.
You don't have to be the one suffering from illnesses/disorders to get counselling 
•
Thank you for the replies! He has tried the therapy but it hasn't worked. He says that everytime he went it always seemed like it was because of me he started again. I'm trying to be supportive and been reading up on it. I just find it hard to hear the things he says, as much as I try to ignore it because I know it's not him, it eventually gets to me and I really don't find it fair that I'm blamed for him starting it again. Would it be worth going back to a therapist to help get over it?
•
If you can find therapists others who have had to deal with bulimia can recommend, and if you're lucky there will be some local support group who can give good recommendations (I bet there's a message board for people in your sitch, too). Not all therapists are good. But bulimia does strike me as something that you need professional help in overcoming so finding a therapist that IS good does sound crucial.
•
Adzz02 Wrote:Thank you for the replies! He has tried the therapy but it hasn't worked. He says that everytime he went it always seemed like it was because of me he started again. I'm trying to be supportive and been reading up on it. I just find it hard to hear the things he says, as much as I try to ignore it because I know it's not him, it eventually gets to me and I really don't find it fair that I'm blamed for him starting it again. Would it be worth going back to a therapist to help get over it?
He needs to see someone who specialises in eating disorders.
Adam, you need to see a therapists is what a few of us are saying You need the support and to be armed with the knowledge so you can be supportive.
•
Yeah therapy... He needs it for himself - when he is ready. You need it in order to deal with this 'crap' he shoves off on you.
You cannot force him to seek help or to stop his behaviors. The best you can do is seek ways in order to change how you feel and react to his behaviors. That is why YOU get therapy.
Understand this is sort of like addiction. There is a certain mindset for the addictive personality which means he needs to acknowledge he has a problem on his own, until such time nothing he does will 'help' - if forced into seeking help it may cause more problems than it solves.
He may play lip service to the idea that he has a problem in order to make people shut up about it. This is not the same thing as waking up one day and taking a close look at self and saying 'I have a problem'. That epiphany moment comes to addicts of alcohol drugs and what not usually after they have lost family, job, home - whatever.
His eating habits are exactly that - habits. There is a reward/punishment system in his head to where he binges (to feel good) then purges to feel good. Like a drug, he is getting a 'high' off all of this. And like a drug he is in a helpless tailspin chasing his addiction.
He needs to reach the point where he understands he has a problem. You can preach, beg, plead for him to seek help - he can even go to therapy, but until such time he really wants to change these behaviors he won't and he will get grumpier and meaner the more you nag him about it.
Half the problem is that he has a self image issue. Oddly enough, the more you tell a person that they are beautiful the more they don't believe it. He has to reach a point where he sees his own beauty... the more you focus on it and say something, the less likely he will be to see it himself.
You can change the way you feel about this stuff, or even change the way that you 'answer'. You can't change him.
Some things you can change:
1. Stop nagging him about it. Yes even making that stupid face you make when he comes out of the bathroom is nagging him. At least that is the way he feels about it. Stop it.
2. When he gets in a grump, get up and leave, go for a walk, go to the pub - go to library - whatever - just leave. When he asks tell him NICELY that you do not need to be around the grump, so are going someplace else until he gets through whatever is eating him.
Therapist for you will give you other tools for you to use to deal with how his behaviors make you feel.
The therapist may actually suggest 'tough love' - meaning you may have to make a threat and stick with it.... that threat being - if you don't stop doing X, I'm going to have to leave you.
Why? Because his behaviors are impacting you negatively, there is only so long that you can put up with that before it harms you. The last alternative here is to escape from his behaviors. Self preservation always trumps relationships.
•
First of all, not to be a downer, but I've known people with eating disorders, and although someone stopping themselves from doing is possible, it's a lifelong struggle, and YOU trying to help him is equivalent to beating a dead horse. An abusive dead horse at that.
You need to leave that relationship, and stop wasting your time, and life trying to fix someone, who could give less of a shit about, fixing themselves, or about you, even.
He's dragging you down with him, and OBVIOUSLY, refuses to take any responsibility for his problems, therefore placing all the blame on YOU.
That's fucked up... it's wrong... and you need to run for the hills, cause despite the two years you have with him, this guy's bad news.
Sorry for being so blunt, but I've learned the hard way, in my short time on this earth, that YOU can't help someone whose not willing to change, or help themselves.
Aside from the bulimia part, YOU don't deserve to be abused by him, REGARDLESS of what he's going through. It's MANIPULATIVE, and he's taking ADVANTAGE of you're kindness AND submissive nature in the relationship. Fuck that! It's wrong, and you either need to address it with him, or leave him, ESPECIALLY if he's not willing to change!
•
Another option I haven't seen anyone cover is letting him know that you love him regardless of his waist size. (obviously, if you're superficial, this would be a lie, but it might not hurt his feelings to tell him you still love him.)
•
as someone who has suffered with an eating disorder for a very very very long time , i have to agree with people and say that therapy is a really good idea . although finding the right therapist is difficult . i went through years of eating disorder clinics where i would just be made to gain weight and then sent on my way . now that i have a therapist who deals with the underlying issues and causes of my eating disorder , i'm doing so much better .
i don't have / never had bulimia , but i know a few people who did , and they found that prozac really helped them to recover . it's not a permanent fix , but it helped them want to recover - no one will be able to do that unless they want to.
remember that having an eating disorder is an incredibly lonely , painful and awful thing to have . he probably knows that he's hurting you , and that's just going to make him feel worse . i remember when i was at my lowest weight , seeing all my friends trying so hard to help me and feeling useless because they couldn't , and it just made me feel like a complete failure . i was hurting people that i cared about so i needed to punish myself .
an eating disorder is an extremely difficult cycle to break . even though i would describe myself as a "recovering anorexic" , when i'm very stressed or upset i still return to certain habits to cope .
the best thing you can do is to understand the illness , and understand why he has it . don't make assumptions and don't pressure him to do anything . you have to be extremely patient with him . let him know that you care about him without making it seem like you'll stop if he continues (even if that's true). and , if he gets really bad ... take him to hospital .
my best friend / housemate has had me put in hospital for my eating disorder many , many times. i hated him for it. i refused to speak to him for weeks at a time occasionally. but he absolutely 100% saved my life (more than once) , and now i love and appreciate him so much more.
i'm tired so i can't think of anything else , but in a couple of hours i'll post something a bit more insightful...
•
|
My Boyfriend has Bulimia... Help?
