Alright,
I dont think Im gay, but events that have occurred throughout my life lead me to believe I may be. Here are a few:
- 20 years old, never had a girlfriend. (Most people find this really weird, which makes me feel uncomfortable.)
- Ive had drunken sex with 7 women, but have never had a deep emotional connection with one, or any woman for that matter.
- When I was 14-15, I jerked off my friend on a couple different occasions and sucked his dick for about 2 seconds once. (looking back on it I feel disgusted with myself and very ashamed.)
- I got drunk one night when I was about 15. I ended up making out with a girl, and after kissing her I pulled back and said "I wanna make Aaron jealous(my friend at the time)" Wtf why did I say that.
... There may be a few more that I cant think of right now. I always masturbate to women. Ive tried watching gay porn numerous times to see if it turns me on but it doesnt seem to. Maybe Im over thinking things, but this has been bugging me for way too long. Im hoping an openly gay man can ask me questions to dig deeper. Or anyone.
Thanks,
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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If you're gay you're attracted to guys. If you're not attracted to guys, you're not gay..
Pretty sure that's generally how it works..
Sounds like you're overthinking for some reason..
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Sucking dick doesn't follow the three second rule, sir.
Just kidding, it totally does.
Now, to be serious:
Are you gay? I don't know. Are you? Fortunately the answer to "Am I gay?" is not a confined yes or no answer. Human sexuality is complex. You are human (I admit, I am making an assumption here. If not, you type remarkably well and I congratulate you). Therefore, your sexuality is complex.
You say most people find it weird that you haven't had a girlfriend, eh? Well, with all due respect to those around you, they can all go fuck themselves. It's none of their business, and whether you decide you're gay, straight, or something in-between, I hope you learn to not let others' opinion of you affect you that much.
Never had an emotional connection with a woman? Well, you're young (I am too, I know). Can you envision yourself emotionally attracted to a woman, an ideal woman, if you will? The answer may be yes, it may be no. Either way, the world will keep on turning.
You jerked off your friend and sucked his dick for two seconds (which, I'm sorry, I just think is kind of hilarious. I mean, I feel so bad for your friend who must've been so disappointed after receiving a two second blow job. You may have, however, invented a new great game: Hot Potato Fellatio). So what? It was in the heat of moment. You shouldn't feel ashamed of it though. That's just your culture, your operating system, infecting your thoughts. Again, fuck what others think. If you liked it, and your liked it, then hooray. You didn't put a ring on fucking finger. And if you didn't like it, then you know one more thing that you won't do. Some guys might go their whole lives never knowing that they'd actually love sucking dick, but they were never bold enough to try it. Congratulations, you're sucking the "marrow" out of life!
You said you want to kiss your friend Aaron. Maybe Aaron's hot. Who could blame you?
Look, in all seriousness this time: Maybe your gay, maybe your not. I don't think it's something that you can figure out like it's a long division problem. Don't stress about it and just live your life and live it for yourself. If you find yourself attracted towards men, then fine, and if not then fine. Maybe be gay for a year and try something else. Tell everyone your gay and then tell them you were kidding. Fuck with their heads a little, just to keep 'em on their toes. Your happiness is the only thing that matter, not bowing to the will and dumbshittery of dumb fucks.
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Arizona Wrote:- 20 years old, never had a girlfriend. (Most people find this really weird, which makes me feel uncomfortable.)
Most people need to learn to mind their own damn business. There are plenty of straight guys who have never had a girlfriend, at 20, 40, 60 you name it. This doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.
Quote:- Ive had drunken sex with 7 women, but have never had a deep emotional connection with one, or any woman for that matter.
I'd wager you could have drunken sex with 10,000 women and never have a deep emotional connection with any of them. That doesn't mean the 10,001st won't be the one to change that. Again, not enough to draw a conclusion from.
Quote:- When I was 14-15, I jerked off my friend on a couple different occasions and sucked his dick for about 2 seconds once. (looking back on it I feel disgusted with myself and very ashamed.)
That shame is years of society saying that stuff is wrong and disgusting. And if such bullshit lies are repeated enough, people start to believe it and it gets ingrained in them and notoriously difficult to undo. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this sort of sexual exploration, and plenty of guys and girls who do this sort of thing end up being straight.
Quote:- I got drunk one night when I was about 15. I ended up making out with a girl, and after kissing her I pulled back and said "I wanna make Aaron jealous(my friend at the time)" Wtf why did I say that.
Honestly I'm not sure what to make of this? What was your relationship with Aaron? Maybe you meant you wanted to get laid/sleep with this girl/any girl before he did? Were you mad at him about something? Of course the most important question is, does it matter now?
Quote:... I always masturbate to women. Ive tried watching gay porn numerous times to see if it turns me on but it doesnt seem to.
Some people watch anime porn of people having sex with disembodied tentacles. That doesn't mean they actually want to have that happen in real life. The porn you watch doesn't indicate your sexuality. The person you can imagine being in a relationship with does.
Remember that sexuality can be and often is fluid. You're not necessarily stuck being 'straight' or 'gay' forever and always no if's and's or but's. There's change and gray areas. The labels don't matter - if you stop worrying about trying to confirm what narrow box you fit in, it makes things a lot easier. And if and when someone comes into your life that knocks you off your feet, that'll probably help too.
You're 20, you're young, kick back and enjoy the ride while it's still fresh. Have some cake. 
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Miles Wrote:Honestly I'm not sure what to make of this? What was your relationship with Aaron? Maybe you meant you wanted to get laid/sleep with this girl/any girl before he did? Were you mad at him about something? Of course the most important question is, does it matter now?
Aaron was a good friend of mine. We hung out alot, but I never experienced any sexual thoughts/desires for him that I was consciously aware of. It was actually my brother who told me I said that to her. It turns out he knew the girl, and she told him I said it. He confronted me about it and I shrugged it off. It wasnt until about a year ago when I remembered my brother confronting me. "Why would I say that?" "No straight guy would ever say something like that right?" "Why was I able to kiss this girl sarcastically?" Whenever I think back on something I said or did that could be construed as gay, I panic inside and start dissecting my past looking for other hints that could reinforce me being gay. I dont know.
Thanks for the response btw, means alot. I should stop thinking about this so much because it really gets me down.
EDIT: Come to think of it, this girl took the same schoolbus as me, and we got off at the same stop everyday. I never had the balls to talk to her but I found her attractive. I guess you could say I secretly admired her for a while. Aaron also took my bus but was usually never on it. When he was, he started sitting with this girl, and they would talk and laugh. It bothered me, but I didnt show it. He told me that he hung out with her a couple times. Thats just some more backstory, if you wanted it.
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Sounds almost like an obsessive compulsive trait.. or for whatever reason you're just very paranoid of being gay for whatever reason? Generally speaking, if you're gay,deep down you know that you're gay (or whatever you are sexually), though of course, it can be confusing for anyone. Totally agreed with everything MIles said though..
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Let me add some more:
I had sober sex once, and I couldnt stay fully erect. My roommates girlfriends(Jen) friend (Rachel) broke up with her boyfriend, and creeped mine other my housemates facebook profiles. From there she decided who she wanted to have sex with to get back at her boyfriend (Something I didnt know at the time.) She chose me. Jen brought Rachel to my room on monday morning. Without even meeting Rachel, Jen pulle dme aside and told me that Rachel wanted to fuck. I said OK and I brought her to my room. (Inside I was VERY nervous because I'm sexually inexperienced). It wasnt enjoyable. I want to attribute my inability to stay hard to my nervousness, but who knows.
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I wouldn't think too much about it if I were you.
Because after all, when we say 'am I gay?' we think that it's putting ourselves in a natural set-in-stone category like 'am I Chinese?'
But really, it's not, there are alot of identifications that people have just made up throughout history and gay/straight etc. is one of them. Many civilisations in the past didn't distinguish sexuality the way we do, so just don't worry too much about it, it's really not the biggest deal in the world.
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Good Grief! 20! Your brain is not even fully developed yet until you are 25. How can you make life decisions yet? Don't worry about it! When the right person, male or female, walks into your life, it will turn you inside out and it will make you complete. In the meantime, enjoy yourself and the diversity that you can explore and someday it will all makes sense.
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Find a gay guy you get along with and go on a date. Do the same with a woman. Be upfront with them that you're exploreing your sexuality so they doesn't feel used if you decide you don't swing their way and not to be surprised if there's no second date, even if they're intrested in you. Compare your feelings afterwords. Listen to your heart, not your brain, and go from there. You could end up being bi. You could even be a form of asexual.
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