Oops– I forgot about sex

[cityboy]

SO I'm 22 and broke up with my last and only boyfriend over a year and a half ago.
I've never been particularly confident when it comes to guys & relationships so accordingly have very limited experience.

Sex with my last BF wasn't particularly stimulating- we had our moments but I never felt 100% 'comfortable' with him and as a result I was never truly able to let go and enjoy or even experiment. Although we did really care for each other.

For some reason I've been living with this idea that the urge for sex and intimacy is something I should just learn to be 'above'- like it's stupid, inane and I need to be focusing on more important things every second of everyday. As a result my sex life has been recently non-existent.

But even more recently I've been feeling super down about myself- only when it comes to things like my appearance or my perceived likability or attractiveness.
I hate to think of it this way- but do you think this is only natural?

It's as if I've cut intimacy out of my life for so long I've forgotten what it feels like to have someone be attracted to me or want to get intimate with me.
& maybe now I just really need to be reminded of all that.
But just saying that feels so superficial!
Shouldn't I be able to maintain a sense of self-worth without needing to have it be mirrored back at me by other people??

Please HELP!
I'm so bad at all this-
How do guys who lack the confidence or experience push themselves to make more of an effort to find someone and make connections-??
Whether it be a fleeting connection or something more serious.

& even beyond that- do you think it's healthy to gratify yourself on a purely sexual level?
I have so little experience I can't help but feel like I might be 'fucking myself up' by just pursuing guys for sex- even though I desperately crave the experience.

[HomeagainNYC]

Shouldn't I be able to maintain a sense of self-worth without needing to have it be mirrored back at me by other people??

That's the best case scenario.

But, lacking that scenario, you need to cut yourself some slack, and dial back on the pressure you're putting on yourself. We learn as we go - if you sideline yourself, then you won't have a chance to learn anything and most probably, you'll just end up putting more pressure on yourself.

Not comparing yourself to others would be a good start - focus on what you consider are your good qualities. Project those. Attractiveness, likability and Appearance are subjective, whereas, you might consider yourself lacking, someone else may think they have hit the jackpot with you. Yes, it's normal to think about these things, just don't let it consume you. Casual sex will never be a substitute for intimacy.

It's always hard to put yourself out there, but it's necessary, if you want to connect with people and build your self esteem. If you have friends, try and step up you social activities with them - if you don't, join some organizations you like, to meet them.

The more socially available you make yourself, the better your chances are, to develop self confidence, and a relationship.

[Undreamt]

It really depends on what you want, there is no such thing as a normal sex life.

Some people choose to enjoy sex for sex's sake and go out and do what they want. Some people dont' focus on it at all and are happy to be virtually sexless.

gratification on a purely sexual level is fine as long as you know what it is and don't try to justify or put more meaning into it.