Sorting through Ideas.....

[Story]

Hey all! Haven't been quite active lately on the forums. Life has its way of keeping you occupied when you least expect it. So I need some advice and to sort out a bunch of ideas I've been having lately that have been consuming my thoughts.

The topic: Dating and getting into a Relationship.

Preface: So a lot has happened since last I was here let me update everyone. Things have gotten better marginally at home. My Mormon family still has some issues with me being gay but I have more flexibility about going out and doing my thing, I just leave "gay at the door." Got a BS in Healthcare Admin and was working at a pharmacy benefit manager prior to getting diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma (blood based cancer). I've been undergoing chemo since Dec and am finally doing my last chemo on May 22nd (I'm thrilled). I'm getting ready to be done with all the medical stuff and to get back to work but also I've been starting to look at dating again and trying for a relationship. I am also HIV positive and healthy.

Where I'm at: So this is what I'm struggling with. I've never been in a real relationship with anyone. I also find myself unable to bring myself to hookup or cuddle with people I don't care about. This puts increased pressure on me to find someone special. I feel frustrated though like I don't have many options or perhaps I'm being too picky in a weird way though. I know that one big limiter for me is my HIV status. Here in phoenix Metro area like 95% of the guys want nothing to do with me because I am. This drastically cuts down my pool of potential dates. I get hit on a lot and its frustrating because I'm tired of the rejection. It makes me not want to look. I have had people groveling to have sex with me or date me yet when i introduce my status they're like "oh nvm." That tends to jade me a bit and has made me slower to look at dates. The people who have expressed interested in dating me and are ok with my status have this tendency to fall into one of 3 categories. 1) Heavier set 2) Older (think 40+) or 3) combination of 1 and 2. I have nothing quite personal against heavier set people but due to my own self esteem problems (and not wanting to get fat) I am not attracted to heavier set guys. This is part of a bigger problem that I'm not exactly sure what I'm physically attracted to. I mean i guess the closest category I would say I'm attracted to are twinks but truthfully I have met guys with a variety of shapes, sizes and looks that I find attractive, its not very clear to me. Why this matters is that I don't feel like I meet very many guys that I'm "really attracted to." I meet a lot of people i feel neutral about and I guess I'm worried mostly that I will not find them attractive in the long run if i try to pursue things further with them. This leads once again into a further concept that while I want a relationship, they scare me. I don't want to end up in a relationship that falls flat really quickly. I don't feel like I am looking for a model or the perfect person but I feel frustrated like maybe I am sabotaging myself or something as a way of self protection. Or perhaps I'm crazy and i just haven't met good matches. Granted I haven't provided very specific examples for context. I'm trying to make myself feel comfortable and confident in my dating life and choices and this is what I'm currently trying to sort through mentally.

Sorry if that was a long read. My mind is pretty complicated at times and sometimes i need help unraveling and figuring things out. Maybe dating is much easier than I make it out to be. But I haven't been able to really go on a real date in over a year or so. (medical issues have blocked some of that lately but the point stands)

Look forward to comments thanks!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I was in a a long term relationship with a positive fella, and I'm negative.

It wasn't easy. HIV kept popping up in every aspect, usually the 'white elephant' in the room sort of way where we were aware it was there, but didn't point it out.

One thing that counted against us that we were both 'kids' in the 1980's - late teens through twenties, so we both had particularly nasty experiences with the virus before there was a treatment.

His issue, or his claim - hard to say now - is that he didn't want to have sex with me because he was afraid I could contract HIV. With a condom, without - it made no matter to him.

My issue, I cared too much - and I had personal experiences and witnessed rather healthy individuals get a 'cold' and sudden be in full blown AIDS mode - so for me it was me constantly wondering when 'end stage' starts and worrying over his health. Most people hear a sneeze and say God bless you, I would hear him sneeze and my mind would go down dark roads.

The above is fairly common today in mixed status relationships. It is something that always hangs there and eventually the couple reaches the point where its too much.

You might want to start here with the reading: http://www.thebody.com/content/39442/faq...ships.html there are lots of links, please do pay some attention to the links under: Feelings of Guilt and Fear in Mixed-Status Relationships

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Couples/Q190569.html is one example of a common theme with mixed couples, and this could be you.

I'm not saying that a mixed status relationship is impossible, they are possible, I know a couple of couples who have mixed status. I definitely didn't break up with my partner of 14 years over HIV - I did break up with him over the fact that over the last 12 years he dated on average 10 men a year because he was 'afraid' to have sex with me out of fear of getting me infected.

Older guys may say they are more accepting, but they also tend to be more desperate for young flesh, thus more willing to 'lower their standards' and accept a lot more out of a potential partner to satisfy that itch for younger men. I'm not saying that all older guys are that way, but a decent chunk of them are 'trolls'... Well that's what we called the sleazy old guy who was always hitting on us 'kids' back in the day.

I'd be really careful dating older guys.

As for body type and shape and personality - its hit and miss for most of us. A lot of guys have this image of the perfect guy which surrounds body type but they fail to comprehend that often the personality with the 'wrong' body type is more compatible to the person than the one they get with the body image. And time has a way of completely destroying youth and beauty. Young muscles slowly sag, faces wrinkle, noses grow bigger, middles bulge.

A little Secret: Dating as in meeting guys for potential relationships is pretty damn hard. It takes patience and it takes kissing a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

Dating as in hooking up for just sex is so easy a caveman can do it.

Eventually a man will walk into your world and proceed to rock it. Don't push for that to happen, it will happen when its time.

[pellaz]

cant love all of gods creations, what are your deal breakers vs its a limited pool of gay boys to pick form. Only 3-5% of the population is gay.

Look at what the two of you bring to the table to make a family and at the same time dont date someone you really dont find like.

my take after reading your post is possible your not that needing a relationship as yet. Not a bad thing.

[Story]

First off thanks for the replys.

@bowyn- Thanks for the thought out post. I am truthfully not as concerned anymore about transmitting the virus. In the sense that I have been undetectable for 3 years on medications and I plan on utilizing safe sex practices. I dont really have have an issue with the fact that I am HIV at this point, its moreso an issue others have with me. In phoenix theres such a stigma against people who are HIV positive. Its moreso an issue with poor education. Even with talks about safe sex practices, the guys i talk to are just too paranoid about getting it. As a result many would rather not deal with anyone who indicates they're HIV poz period. This takes an already small pool of potential dates even smaller.

At this point I'm checking if I'm crazy or not. I'm just making sure that I'm approaching this the right way and that I'm not just sabotaging myself. I'm also trying to make my lines of thought healthy and feel confident that I am making the right decisions etc. I am very aware of the problems of dating someone much older than myself. The last point is that Im at a very important point in my life where I actually feel comfortable with having a relationship and feeling like i can properly support it. This in comparison to the past where I didn't feel this way so I really want to give it a try.

@pellaz. I truthfully am ok with being single. I just cant find myself hooking up or cuddling with someone i dont care about and in that sense it makes alot of sense to be in a relationship where i can satisfy those needs

[MisterTinkles]

Theres tons of guys out there who dont mind your "status" as long as you are clean and not prone to any side effects.

Im drug and disease free, and not an alcoholic, dont smoke, but I am overweight.
Ive been told all my life I am "the marrying type", because Im domestic and a homebody.
But yet, nobody has wanted to marry me, except for one guy (long story). I was stupid to refuse, but there it is.

There is so much bullshit, lying, and game playing going on, because nobody wants to get their feelings hurt, but thats all that DOES happen BECAUSE they dont do anything but lie and play head games with people.

I say, start looking LESS for they physical, and start looking MORE for the personality and emotional well being of a guy. If you want something so serious, then you need a guy with a secure personality and that is emotionally stable. So what if he's got a couple of extra pounds.

Fat can be worked off.
Ugly can be fixed surgically.
Bad personalities and emotional baggage are there for ever.

[Story]

Theres tons of guys out there who dont mind your "status" as long as you are clean and not prone to any side effects.

Im drug and disease free, and not an alcoholic, dont smoke, but I am overweight.
Ive been told all my life I am "the marrying type", because Im domestic and a homebody.
But yet, nobody has wanted to marry me, except for one guy (long story). I was stupid to refuse, but there it is.

There is so much bullshit, lying, and game playing going on, because nobody wants to get their feelings hurt, but thats all that DOES happen BECAUSE they dont do anything but lie and play head games with people.

I say, start looking LESS for they physical, and start looking MORE for the personality and emotional well being of a guy. If you want something so serious, then you need a guy with a secure personality and that is emotionally stable. So what if he's got a couple of extra pounds.

Fat can be worked off.
Ugly can be fixed surgically.
Bad personalities and emotional baggage are there for ever.

Yes quite true, the things people do to protect themselves.

I may have given the impression that I am looking more for physical attributes than personality. But in all reality i am attracted more to personality than physical. However I already know what I'm looking for there, thats the easy part. I focused more on physical attraction though because it tends to be more of an enigma to me. I feel like i meet alot of people that I feel neutrally attracted to. Meaning that they arent ugly but they arent making me swoon either. I worry that if i pursue a relationship with one of these types of people I will later find myself not into them much physically later. Its extremely rare for me to find someone who im like, "wow hes attractive" and of course those people are never interested or available.