Fingering & Sex Issue

[CTD89]

Well there are two things I have to say.
1. He is just a pure top and doesnt want to do anything with his ass
2. They make lube that will numb his hole so he wont feel anything. You can try that with him and see how that works out. It sure will take away the stinging and after awhile, if he agrees to use it, his body will be used to the girth of you and he wont feel anything without the lube.

Actually have a bottle of #2, and he claimed it stung him, so we stopped using it. He even claimed that when I bought some "all natural" lube, but then when he played with it himself he didn't have the issue.

I even asked him if he tightens up when I go down there and he said yes, which I responded that its crucial that he stay relaxed.

[Armandork]

Is it possible the pain is psychological? Like especially because you've used the lube that numbs you might be more entitled to believe the stinging is more psychological fear, hence "you're so afraid of what might happen that it does happen."

If he's getting nervous chances are that he's tightening up a lot more as well which actually translates to a lot of ouch. You have to help him relax I know it's not easy when it's a first time so... Idk if that helps hopefully it did.

[Beaux]

We'd like to both be versatile, but he thinks he's more of a bottom and he wants to bottom for me.

Well..that's the answer. There have been a lot of posts and question regarding bottoming in general, and I wish I could remember the thread I read it on (or even the exact quote and who said it) but I cannot, so I will summerize:

There is not fixed process for determining who will be or won't be a bottom in any given relationship. ~ Moi (abridged)

The real question, is "Is this a Deal Breaker?". Can you accept the possibility that you may never have a positive anal sexual experience with him as bottom?

Oh, and yeah, I think you need to just back off the anal sex thing until he asks for it.

[LateBloomer]

He can finger me plenty and I have no issues with it. And he does.

Ok good. But this is not about YOUR issues. It's about HIS. I was trying to suggest a little role reversal in order to help the exploration, but after reading all the other responses it sounds like there is something more complicated going on.

At this point I'm pretty much with Beaux on the idea of just letting go of trying to have any anal sex for awhile. He's probably feeling a little pressure to perform and just isn't psychologically ready even if he says it's something he's interested in.

Let it go and see if he brings it up again on his own. Here is where your patience is needed--big time.

Good luck.

[OrphanPip]

some people can if issues with fingering, even a little bit of nail can be too much, try things other than you hands. I'm sure you can think of something...

I don't think there's much to add to this discussion, but I'd second Undreamt's suggestions. A lot of people find the hard edges of finger nails unpleasant, it could be worthwhile to try toys.

The only other thing I'd add is that your partner is possibly just very nervous and psyching himself out about this the more you guys try. Maybe give it a break for a little bit and come back to try again in a few weeks to let the performance anxiety wain a bit.

[CTD89]

Thanks guys. Appreciate all the comments! Very helpful to hear from a team of gayz.

I think we could be more communicative too in bed. I'm more vocal than him but I need him to speak up, so ill just ask him more often.

[dfiant]

I think it is all going to be about time and patience and just experimenting until you have found the right balance

[Woollyhats]

I think he might be nervous.

He might be in pain a little bit, but I think he's really very nervous. Like an anxiety thing. For some reason, he probably thinks he's going to do something wrong. Personally speaking, as someone who hasn't had sex before, the idea of doing anal is a little bit frightening, because it definitely sounds like it would hurt --- or hurt someone else. I would be willing to try it, but that's because I'm a more curious person.

However, I think if I was nervous like that, I'd be worried about how much I was bothering my partner. I suspect your boyfriend is too, so try confronting him, so you know. Ask if he's nervous, and if he is, try to help him out so he isn't worried - say that it's cute or something. Try other ways to have sex for awhile, and try going back after a bit of time has passed, and try again every once in awhile. He'll probably get it eventually, and it will be better if he isn't so nervous that it isn't enjoyable.

This is my very non-professional opinion. Good luck ^^.

[rmf]

I have to be honest... and people may beaten me for this comment but you seem very mean towards him not being able to bottom right now... to be blunt you make it seem like sex is more important then the relationship. If I was your partner I would of ended the relationship with you based on you being quite mean / aggressive

[Johnny]

I have to say you're scaring me and I'm not even in the same country as you lol

You are sounding a bit pushy and desperate.
Saying it's 'critical' he stays relaxed, no it isnt if you start slowly and don't try and get in there straight away, you should take the pressure off by not even going down there for a good few weeks."I don't even go that deep when fingering him" lol i hope not if he is unsure still, most times you shouldnt even be going there, he cant relax if every time he is waiting for you to get in there. 'great sex is critical to every relationship' maybe yours but not all, sounds as if you are giving him an option of either be a great bottom or it's over, which is fine if that's how you feel but not going to help him trust you and puts the pressure on him too. 'He claims it stings him' don't you believe him? he was honest enough to say he's fine when he does it himself, so I'm not sure you you use the word claims! And lastly 'I go down there to warm him up' no need to warm him up down there if you do other things, which would let him know its not all about anal with you but sorry it sounds as it, if any of that comes across to him no wonder you're having issues.