Guilt about things that can't be fixed

[Grey]

I hope I am doing the right thing, and I hope it all is better soon. I know it will be a long road, and I need to stop letting people make me feel bad.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think she does feel guilty now, but she shows that guilt by getting mad if I talk about it or when she sees my scars. She always gets mad and says something like "Well fine I guess its all my fault" which was never something I was trying to imply. My dad was a big guy and I often purposely antagonized him so that he'd come after me instead of my mom or sister. Her acting weird about the scars has now made me super embarrassed of them, which affects my relationship with my boyfriend. They are mostly on my back, which is, for lack of a better word...shredded. I used to not be bothered by it but with my mom acting how she does about it I've gotten to where I don't even want my bf seeing me shirtless. Which he doesn't understand.

Her 'Fine it is all my fault' is remarkably like your own 'its all my own fault'... don't you think?

No doubt your mother has her scars - perhaps not on the outside, but on the inside.

Now that I know more about what took place, I can see more clearly why it is your sister suggested that the grandfolk's act the way they do out of 'embarrassment' for what their son did. It makes a lot of sense there.

Everyone is carrying their fair share of blame here. The Grandfolks most likely wish they had raised their son better, and see this as all their fault for 'failing' to be good parents. Mom is carrying her blame, believing she should have been a better mother, done 'something', changed something.

Everything everyone feels falls into the typical response patterns.

I know that gives little to no comfort, however the knowledge that this is 'expected' may make it easier to carry.

[Grey]

I suppose it is very much the same. If she feels that she should have protected me, she has never said so but shes not a cruel woman so Im sure she does feel that way. I don't know. There would not have been a lot she could have done, besides leave. I used to be mad at her for not leaving then my therapist made me see that she was too afraid, I didn't understand that but then again I never told anyone what was going on, and even at the hospital when they stitched up my back I refused to admit he'd done it, though I think it was obvious that type of injury was no accident. Im not sure it was fear that made me keep my mouth shut, embarrassment probably.

[archubbycub]

Grey I wish I had the words to comfort you in this situation. Having just lost my dad after not being close to him or any of my family for so long, my heart goes out to you in such a big way! Just know that there is a community here on GS that loves you and supports you and is here for you! Big hugs to you and lots of love.

[princealbertofb]

Dear Grey, there is a lot of healing that needs to be done here. I can only offer my mental and moral support and wish things work out somehow. First of all, I'd like you to feel sufficiently comfortable with your battered body to let your boyfriend see it. He won't love you any the less if he's a good man. It's probably difficult to change your mindset from being a victim (and feeling unworthy of anyone's care, love and consideration) to being a survivor, but that will come when you accept that you are a beautiful person (we all have our flaws) especially when you manage to concentrate on the positive sides of yourself. Your boyfriend surely sees that in you.

Mothers who've had abusive husbands (maybe he was abusive to her too, but it's a hidden secret) also behave like victims, sometimes finding it hard to change the patterns, so there's probably some guilt there that is shed onto you by the whole unsavoury situation your family was in. Break the pattern, if you can. Affirm who you are and what you want. If your dad's side of the family still won't speak to you, you'll probably have to mourn the loss of that side of your family and you can concentrate on creating your own circle of "family/friends", and your sister's family, who accepts you. A lot of us gays recreate our families from friends who can help us thrive and move forward. You can try to bury the negative as you had to bury your father (figuratively speaking) and then once the mourning's done, it all seems more and more distant. Good luck dealing with that bereavement.

[hank]

I currently have a therapist which I see once a week, as well as a slew of depression and anxiety meds which help though I am not fond of taking them. I know that my parents were never happy, he was atheist and she was very religious. She used that religion as an excuse not to leave him and their marriage lasted for nearly 27 years. I got away finally at 17, but By that point I had suffered 18 broken bones and around 130 stitches (give or take a few) by his hand so the damage was already done. Most of the abuse happened before he knew I was gay. I still have issues with the "its not your fault" thing, even though deep down I know that none of it was my fault I somehow still feel like my parents got divorced because of me, and maybe the stress of that killed my dad. He may have been a shitty dad but he seemed to love my mom deep down.

Your dad was an alcoholic, that killed him. It want what you did grey. I am no stranger to abuse so I understand blaming yourself for it. Abusers tend to blame their victims. And its hard to break that mind set. I never revived broken bones, different type of abuse.

Feeling guilty may be because you weren't sad when he died. That is a common rain people feel guilt like you do.

Also when someone dies its always bizarre, grief is just so difficult to explain but the best thing I can come up with is that his death didn't make sense. And you will never get an answer for that, the five stages of grief are simply the process of understanding that you will never know why.

[MisterTinkles]

You feel so guilty because obviously your dad choose to saddle you with the responsibility of leaving by making you believe he left because of you (being gay).

You feel guilty because he most likely did a lot of shit and say 'See what you did?'.

He was an abusive drunk and he most likely blamed you for a lot of stuff that went wrong in his life because he couldn't or wouldn't take responsibility for his own actions.

Abusers often rely on the 'see what you made me do?' when they abuse their victims. The abuse is not their fault, oh heavens know, the victim made them do it.


Victim's guilt is typical of the situation. Survivors of Abuse learn how to at least cope with the guilt, if not actually start disowning their 'responsibility' to the actions and behaviors of the abuser. Victims of abuse refuse to take any action to change how they feel about these matters and remain victimized well after the abuse ends.

How do I know - been there, did that - and I did that over and over again.


Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and whoever else who are not accepting you as you are making their own choices. Yes you are gay, that does not give them a free pass to treat you like crap. They CHOOSE to treat you like crap and they are using your homosexuality as an excuse to release them of proper social behaviors (civility, kindness, love, whatever).

This is NOT your fault. Its not like you woke up one day and say 'Women, who needs them - I think I will go find myself some Homosexual Sex!'

You were born this way. You didn't have a choice in that.

Yes there is a lot when it comes to homosexuality you do have a choice in. You can choose to be promiscuous, you can choose to wear a condom or not
(thus run the risk of STDS) those are choices.

You are a Victim of Abuse. Currently. I want for you to figure out a way to stop being a victim and start being a survivor. One good way is to seek professional help: Psychologists (Therapists/Counselors) is usually a very good way. They typically do not have a MD thus do not prescribe pills.

You may have to shop around a bit to find the right therapist. After all you are dealing with people and this relationship of Therapist/Patient is as personal as a relationship between you and a potential lover. So you may have to talk to several therapists before you find one you are comfortable with.

Honestly, without knowing the particulars of the abuse and the home situations I have no idea what sort of tools you need in order to cope and work through the stuff on your plate. I suspect there is a lot more than merely guilt at work here. I suspect you may also have a little PTSD and all of this other crap mom, Grandpa and Grandma are piling on you could be working a minor PTSD into something a bit more major.

IF God/Faith is an issue for you, there are resources there as well. There are 'gay affirming Churches' - which means churches who accept homosexuals as being yet more precious gifts from God (like all souls are).

http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/f...church.htm is a directory, most likely there is a gay affirming church in your local area.

If Faith/Religion is an issue, I strongly suggest finding one of these and speaking with the priest/minister/pastor/head high guru. S/he will most likely be able to start you on a path of discover of the alternate interpretation of those 6 scriptures constantly used to beat up homosexuals. S/he may also help you find ways to slowly change the minds/opinions of your family - depending on how open your folks are.

Further, most Ministers/Priests/Pastors/Head High Gurus also come with a bit of psychological training and are able/trained to provide some counseling. If not, they most likely will have resources, lists something to help you to find someone to help.

If you ever need a person to scream at, cry on, rant at, or to ask any question that you need an answer on when it comes to abuse/victimization/homosexuality/God feel free to PM me. Whatever it is I know I will share and what I don't know I can at least give suggestions on how to find an answer.

What he said.


I will add, that the only way for you to get over this...is for YOU to get over this.
You will have to work through these feelings somehow and realize they are not YOUR feelings. These are the emotions that have been forced on you by users and abusers.

A mind fuck is a horrible thing to do to a kid, and the type of parents you had are some of the worst at mind fucking their kids. My mother wasnt a drunk, but she was a Master of mind fucking people, including her own kids.

I had to work through my crap. It took me three years to beat it and get it out of my life, but I did it. So can you.

[dfiant]

Sometimes you can just never change the way people think or act.

At the same time you can change the way you think and act.

Surround yourself with love, reject the hate, you don't need hateful people in your life and that includes family. You are better than them, forget about them and try to move on.

[Grey]

True. I am probably not missing much by staying away from that side of my family if that is how they are. I stayed away from the rest of my family for long time once I finally got away from my dad and I thought I was handling things better, but once my sister had kids I came back into the picture. They are very small, but just getting to the age where they start asking questions about things, and I'm never sure of the answers. Our family is pretty small so I feel like I need to stay around for them at least, even if being around my mom makes things a lot harder.

[MisterTinkles]

Just because you were born into this family, doesnt make it YOUR family.

A family is what you make of it, with those whom you make it with.

My family consists of 4 awesome, super close friends who have become MY family.
I may have a biological family, but they have never really cared for me, so I made my own.

Its not written in stone, its not in the law books, and nobody ever said you HAVE to accept those people you were born too as your family. You CAN go make your own, from those people who actually love and respect you. Whether its two good friends or 100.

Its your choice to stay where you are at, or make things better for yourself.