not a lot of details in your post:
-how long has he know his partner?
-was it a prolonged illness
you dont just come out as gay, your father was gay all his life. Please give your father a break on this because 25 years ago being gay was not what it is today. no one cares today.
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Beaux Wrote:Maybe I just old fashioned, but imo your dad should be ashamed of himself. 3 weeks after the death of his spouse and he is DATING!?! That is SO, disrespectful to both the memory of his wife and the feelings of her relatives AND you--their child.
Honestly, I would assume that he has been "dating" this guy longer than a "few weeks"' and I would be PISSED.
This is my thought as well. 3 weeks? Really?
Granted.. I'm sure he's grieving, and dealing with it in whatever way he can.. but I can completely understand why you (the poster) were upset and angry. Your choice of words weren't the best -- and as you said, normally you'd never say such a thing, but clearly you're hurt because he's already dating so shortly after the death of your mother -- and sometimes words are meant to hurt.. which is why you used them (not a justification, but I'm sure the majority of us have said something we've regretted later).
Anyway, I wish you the best. I'm not entirely sure that you should apologize, but I wouldn't lose connection with your father. I would start by talking to him about how you feel..
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Ryocchi Wrote:Excuse me but I dsagree with you, I'm gy, my family knows I'm gay, but if my father would do this I would probably flip out as strongly or worse than he did, because rationally i know he's a human being, but, he's my father, the one male figure who educated me my whole chldhood, who always had a solid and loving relationship with my mother, so for him, suddenly dating another person, specially a man just barely after a month of her death it would feel like all those years were lies, Kumawool, you need to understand that our parents are are our fundation, so a change like this is understandable, he's not being an "Angry child" he's just confused, hurting and feeling betrayed, even if rationally he knows better.
Understand and agree. It's easy for me to be objective in a post, but to be honest, I would be resentful too. Well, actually, could care less about my father, but if my mom did this with her boyfriend, who is basically my step father, I would be very upset. I would also ask her if the relationship had been, shall we say, prearranged. And it would take me awhile, it really would, but I would try. Because I would want that relationship. And that would mean accepting the relationship for the sake of my relationship with my mom.
This is why I simply aimed for solutions rather than finding ways to justify building resentment towards his father, which is simply not what OP wants. The OP wants a reconciled relationship, which is why I choose the aim of apologizing and resolving his relationship, which requires compromise, even if he has good reason to be upset. You are very right in that he should openly discuss his feelings about his father moving on so quickly, but I actually had said that anyway.
Ultimately, it is OPS choice as to whether to respond to this situation with anger and cutting off ties from his father, or finding a way to accept something he has every reason not to like, for the sake of continuing a relationship with his father. This is what the OP wanted, and so that's what I tried to give advice on.
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If it's warranted. If not the fuck it. But if you are man enough to do the right thing the do it. But what is done is done and cannot be undone.
Tho the world is a better place when everyone is happy. But you cannot please everyone.
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Electricsoda, I think there are other issues there, probably things you haven't worked out yet, about why you have acted like that with your father. It could be that you are disappointed that not only have you lost your mother, and therefore you are still grieving, but you have also lost the dad you thought you had. So you're not homophobic, you say, except if it's your dad? Is that the scenario?
When I got together with my previously married partner, his children were quite harsh with him at first, and now they seem to have understood that this was not a personal choice, that their father had made a mistake (not of having his children, but of marrying their mother). Relationships between them and us are still a little strange and sometimes strained, but we've been together ten years, so things are getting easier. Life changes like that take time to get accustomed to.
I suspect that you are angry because you don't understand why your father is not grieving as you are grieving. But I'm afraid to say that grieving is really a very personal matter and there's no way you can impose your style of mourning on your father. If he loved your mother he's probably missing her too. It's a private thing. It may also be that, if your mother was sick, he's finally relieved that she's in a better place, not suffering anymore.
You haven't really told us if your parents were previously divorced, or separated, or whether they were still living together before your mother died. Since we don't have that information, it's a bit difficult to see where all this anger is coming from. You feel deprived of your mother, that's normal and it could make you angry (it's part of the stages of grieving) but having the impression that you've also lost your father must be making you even angrier.
I would suggest you write to your dad, something that shows how you felt, and how it still feels, but also a message that tries to ask for forgiveness. The words you said were hurtful and I can understand why your father would be wary of seeing you again. Remember that his new partner has nothing to do with this situation (I presume) and that it's not fair to blame any of this on him. In a moment (can't tell you how long) you might actually be grateful that your father has a partner and someone he can count on to take the strain of life. You've probably got enough on your personal plate for the moment, to have to deal with your father's grief too. Those harsh words you pronounced cannot be undone, but your father is surely aware that you were hurting and that you didn't mean them the way they came out. If you can explain where this aggressivity came from and why you felt entitled to called them faggots, disparagingly, then he'll see that you are a loving son, one that also needs his care. Let him know he's still part of your life. I'm sure he'll come around and try to get into contact again. It doesn't have to be distant anymore. Just be honest but also let him be honest with you too. Was this a trust issue, do you think?
Take care.
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All the above advice seems good to take, and by the way, Electricsoda,  to GaySpeak. May I extend my personal condolences for your loss?
Take care,
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Well Im guessing there might be more to this story than we know. What kind of situation was his mother in? Was she bedridden/insane for alot of years before she passed or something like that? I really cant blame someone if their spouse is there but not really there ya know? It does sound like he knew this guy from before his wife died for them to start dating so quickly but who knows.
Also what I dont understand is that he said he wants to apologize but he doesnt actually feel sorry for what he called them as he stated in his post. So you are sorry for lashing out but you still feel its ok to call gay/bi people those names? Maybe Im just misreading in to the semantics but if it really was a knee jerk reaction I would feel really bad calling someone those names if they were gay.
Also I think its alittle selfish to impose your grieving onto your father like that. People grieve all in different ways. This could be part of his grieving process. True happiness is so rare to find sometimes in this world. I dont know why of all people you would begrudge your own father that happiness.
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