I came out about a year ago. I thought my problems would be over, but it seems they have just began. I currently have to live with my parents because I had to give up my job to attend peace officer school. I will graduate in September. That is when I will move. I have had some encounters before but nothing that was lasting. To painful to discuss right now.
I am afraid to reach out, i don't exactly know why, perhaps its because my parents don't approve. But I feel so alone. I don't need a lover necessarily but anybody that understands my struggle my two closest friends though they love me the are straight and married. They told me they don't understand, that they can't. My parents told me out us a desired lifestyle and they will not change their minds so they basically told me they will make no effort to understand me. This loneliness is unbearable at times. I dint know what to do. I don't know how to reach out, I am trying very hard not to be depressed but I dint know how much longer I can do this.
Sometimes I hate my sexuality why does it have to isolate me? I hate this, i hate what Iam. How do I learn to love what I am?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Quote:how much longer I can do this
Till September? 
Honestly, Hank, that's not so long.
So, what is the biggest problem? That your parents can't accept you? Well, they did. You can live with them, they are helping you, they are talking with you. There is no need to discuss with them who you want to sleep with.
You have two probably great friends. You are lucky, you know that right? They do understand that you want to have somebody who cares for you. They do understand your need for love. Don't build barriers where is no place for them.
You can come here anytime and share your troubles, make friends, play silly word games that are full of good will, friendship and even flirting sometimes.
If you decide you don't want to feel alone, you won't. Sure, sometimes you will and it will be crushing, but you HAVE friends who will relate and make sure you will get up again.
I know you love your parents and their opinion is important to you. So, respect that there are things that they are ashamed to discuss (I am not saying that they are ashamed of you or your lifestyle), or things that they don't understand. They are trying for sure. Don't you see?
I may be wrong, but you seem to come here only when you have troubles. Stay for a longer time, Hank. Share other people's good day, share yours, and you won't feel that lonely 
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Hey Sis, I'm bout to drop some info on your skull, so open up for a blessing gurl, cause it's gonna slap you like pink glitter and a mermaid's tail.
While you should always love your parents, which I'm sure you do, you do not have to agree with their decisions or even put up with their views, when it negatively affects you, especially when you're past 18 and have a life. Parent's are people too and as much as we would expect or love for them to be overjoyed and accepting of who we are and the things we like, that's not always the case and it's okay, because they're just being who they are. You can't change somebody, only they can.
Like Nicky said, you can talk about non-gay topics, it's like talking to me about sports, I just don't find it interesting and though I like the person, I don't find the sports that person plays applicable or even interesting to me.
If they already know you are bi/gay and you know it makes them uncomfortable, then jist avoid the topic. And it's not you being ashamed of your sexuality or succumbing to your parents, but you respecting your parent's wishes to not talk about it. Not every person wants to talk or is comfortable talking about the topic of homosexuality.
As for relationships, I'mma say this again... You can neva eva be a quality partner if you can't function solo. Though some of us are better and happier in pairs/a relationship, it's unhealthy to depend so heavily on them. I grew attached to my best friend of 14yrs since crib days and when we eventually moved apart due to different life circumstances, it was hard to develop my own identity and stand alone. I was happier to be in his shadow and he was happy as well, but you can't go through life as one entity, however cute and romantic that may sound, not even most Identical Twins do that.
You need to realize, relationships are not panaceas and that just by having one fixes everything. No Sis, they don't always. For instance, some man your head over heels for can manipulate you to extort money from you or isolate you from the rest of society because he can see how dependant you are and how easily breakable your emotions are, cause even I can feel that.
You must develop an extremely strong spine and two legs to stand on, cause as romantic as your man supporting you sounds, inevitably...he will either tire and/or drop you, slowly weakening and eventually breaking away from what tires him.
History always repeats itself, so it will happen over and over, although maybe in different ways and under different circumstances.
In the Libra scale, if one side is heavier than the other, then balance is not attained and eventually the scale will tip. You must yourself be balanced and balanced in your relationship, lest the scales tip too far out of reconciliation.
You exude a very strong sense or resonance of Apathetic tendicies, as evident from your thoughts of depression and a sense of monotonous routine/schedule. You have to sometimes invent your own fun and make yourself happy. You know how to, it's just up to you to do it Sis.
Stay strong Sis, all that glitters is not always gold, but gold can be found in average rocks.
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Rough and tough building blocks for your future life on planet hell.
If I could afford it, I would drive down to Houston and let you talk my ears off and give you big hug.
But I guess long distance will have to do, until I win the lottery.....LOL.
The crap you go thru now will serve you in your life that's ahead of you.
But, you know what? You have it good, believe it or not. At least your parents have given it thought...what little thought they did give, was better than none. They haven't shunned you or kicked you out, so that's an obvious sign that they understand somewhat. At least enough to still know they care and love you.
As for friends, well, they come and go. As I stated to someone else looking for friends, just meet as many people as you can. Say "hi", get into some small talk, chat aimlessly with people just standing around you....
The more people you meet, the better chances you have of making some real friends. Friends who will appreciate you for just being you. Totally freeking super awesome you!
Schools tough enough, but that with family issues makes it hard sometimes. But at least they are making an effort, even if it doesn't seem like it. Don't worry, they will get used to the person you are. One day they will realize that Hank is who they love and appreciate, not the stupid labels that they have placed on you.
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Query: What have you done here at Gayspeak to make friends with us here?
Since joining last July, you have only made 315 posts. I know occasionally you will post on another thread, but pretty much any time I see you its you starting a thread and sticking to that thread.
The majority of the threads you have started have been 'Help me' type threads.
So you do this sort of thing in real life? Do you just grab a hold of people to get their assistance then once you have that you walk away, or do you stick around and give assistance back, have a few laughs, etc?
What have you done in real-life to become part of the LGBT community? Do you isolate yourself from fellow LGBT? Or do you go places where particular people congregate?
Can you tell me what the interior of, oh, Montrose Mining Company is like? How about JR's? Ever been to any of the gay bars in the Houston Area?
How about the Houston GLBT Community Center - Ever darken its door, or seen the inside of the place of have you even visited their web page?
---> BTW They are currently looking for volunteers... care to reach out to your fellow GLBT?
Networking is not just a thing computers do, people network all the time, it means putting yourself out there and meet new faces, and try to show some interest in their lives. Seek to make friends with people, yeah sure few people end up being areal friend, but a lot of acquaintances will introduce you to new and exciting peoples.
Are you a religious man? Perhaps getting involved in a local Gay Affirming Church would be a good place for you to worship and have fellowship with like minded individuals.
Perhaps all of that face to face is too hard at this time, what about forums where other GLBT people attend? Do you spend any real time cultivating friendships on any forum?
I'm certain right here at Gayspeak there are individuals who would love to be your friend... However, you are not here on a regular basis, you appear to only come here when you are troubled, and we never see you on the Word Games Forum.
So we ain't sure what it is you are about, you are somewhat aloof. That is not a very approachable facade you have going on. Are you like that in real life?
If so, perhaps you need to be a wee bit more outgoing, and try to meet people in the middle.
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QueenOdi Wrote:Hey Sis, I'm bout to drop some info on your skull, so open up for a blessing gurl, cause it's gonna slap you like pink glitter and a mermaid's tail.
While you should always love your parents, which I'm sure you do, you do not have to agree with their decisions or even put up with their views, when it negatively affects you, especially when you're past 18 and have a life. Parent's are people too and as much as we would expect or love for them to be overjoyed and accepting of who we are and the things we like, that's not always the case and it's okay, because they're just being who they are. You can't change somebody, only they can.
Like Nicky said, you can talk about non-gay topics, it's like talking to me about sports, I just don't find it interesting and though I like the person, I don't find the sports that person plays applicable or even interesting to me.
If they already know you are bi/gay and you know it makes them uncomfortable, then jist avoid the topic. And it's not you being ashamed of your sexuality or succumbing to your parents, but you respecting your parent's wishes to not talk about it. Not every person wants to talk or is comfortable talking about the topic of homosexuality.
As for relationships, I'mma say this again... You can neva eva be a quality partner if you can't function solo. Though some of us are better and happier in pairs/a relationship, it's unhealthy to depend so heavily on them. I grew attached to my best friend of 14yrs since crib days and when we eventually moved apart due to different life circumstances, it was hard to develop my own identity and stand alone. I was happier to be in his shadow and he was happy as well, but you can't go through life as one entity, however cute and romantic that may sound, not even most Identical Twins do that.
You need to realize, relationships are not panaceas and that just by having one fixes everything. No Sis, they don't always. For instance, some man your head over heels for can manipulate you to extort money from you or isolate you from the rest of society because he can see how dependant you are and how easily breakable your emotions are, cause even I can feel that.
You must develop an extremely strong spine and two legs to stand on, cause as romantic as your man supporting you sounds, inevitably...he will either tire and/or drop you, slowly weakening and eventually breaking away from what tires him.
History always repeats itself, so it will happen over and over, although maybe in different ways and under different circumstances.
In the Libra scale, if one side is heavier than the other, then balance is not attained and eventually the scale will tip. You must yourself be balanced and balanced in your relationship, lest the scales tip too far out of reconciliation.
You exude a very strong sense or resonance of Apathetic tendicies, as evident from your thoughts of depression and a sense of monotonous routine/schedule. You have to sometimes invent your own fun and make yourself happy. You know how to, it's just up to you to do it Sis.
Stay strong Sis, all that glitters is not always gold, but gold can be found in average rocks.
Thanks, my maturity was halted for so long because I decided that i would never come out. But one night I kicked Pandora's box open. I am glad i did it, i was up all night with guilt, that has gone away for the most part. But i feel like a gawky teenager again. My emotional maturity was halted now I am like a horny fifteen year old. Its true you can't suppress the natural development of humanity. You can slow it down but only just.
I have a genuine spine of steele its just this has really screwed up what I thought i knew. Don't know quite how to cope. I was done wrong by a therapist so I don't really want to seek that help for now.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Query: What have you done here at Gayspeak to make friends with us here?
Since joining last July, you have only made 315 posts. I know occasionally you will post on another thread, but pretty much any time I see you its you starting a thread and sticking to that thread.
The majority of the threads you have started have been 'Help me' type threads.
So you do this sort of thing in real life? Do you just grab a hold of people to get their assistance then once you have that you walk away, or do you stick around and give assistance back, have a few laughs, etc?
What have you done in real-life to become part of the LGBT community? Do you isolate yourself from fellow LGBT? Or do you go places where particular people congregate?
Can you tell me what the interior of, oh, Montrose Mining Company is like? How about JR's? Ever been to any of the gay bars in the Houston Area?
How about the Houston GLBT Community Center - Ever darken its door, or seen the inside of the place of have you even visited their web page?
---> BTW They are currently looking for volunteers... care to reach out to your fellow GLBT?
Networking is not just a thing computers do, people network all the time, it means putting yourself out there and meet new faces, and try to show some interest in their lives. Seek to make friends with people, yeah sure few people end up being areal friend, but a lot of acquaintances will introduce you to new and exciting peoples.
Are you a religious man? Perhaps getting involved in a local Gay Affirming Church would be a good place for you to worship and have fellowship with like minded individuals.
Perhaps all of that face to face is too hard at this time, what about forums where other GLBT people attend? Do you spend any real time cultivating friendships on any forum?
I'm certain right here at Gayspeak there are individuals who would love to be your friend... However, you are not here on a regular basis, you appear to only come here when you are troubled, and we never see you on the Word Games Forum.
So we ain't sure what it is you are about, you are somewhat aloof. That is not a very approachable facade you have going on. Are you like that in real life?
If so, perhaps you need to be a wee bit more outgoing, and try to meet people in the middle.
This may sound stupid but I am afraid. I don't know of what. But i have driven to a gay place, parked in the parking lot but just can't make myself get out and go inside. The ween gives me amenity.
I need to do more on this page. I dint know what a gay community center does. I dint want to go in there and be seen as an idiot. Its stupid 15 year old crap but I dint know how to make myself do it.
I an really trying to make myself attend a gay affirming church, certainly they have gay parishioners that i can relate to but my damned fear stops me. It keeps me from being active here. One of the reasons why this is so difficult is I an nit this much of a freaking coward, this fear cept me in the closet for 15 years. I am out at my police academy. So I dint know why I am so stand off ish with any lgbt business.
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So I think you need to get busy in the LGBT community. Your picture looks as though you could be an interesting, outgoing, good looking type of guy.
Methinks you just are over thinking everything, relax get involved here and outhere.
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hank Wrote:How do I learn to love what I am?
What (very exactly) ARE you that you haven't learned to love?
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A bisexual, possably homosexual man. It just went against what I wanted to be. I guess this is kind of stupid of me to think that my childhood idea of what my life should be is realistic. But I can't help but think i am letting go of something that is a deep part of me.
I am laughing at myself right now because I see how absurd I was being. I am having difficulty putting away childish things. My God is that how silly thus problem is?
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need some help
