Loneliness is something we are born with and live with and die with. While it's lovely to have a genuine connection with another human being or human beings, it's best to try to tame that loneliness, not let it get the better of you. What can you do to beat it? Read a book, watch a film, listen to music that uplifts you, play a game for a while to relax, sleep enough? Eat properly, make yourself some good healthy food. If you can, invite a friend to share a meal with you, a coffee/tea/ drink with you. Avoid mood killers like alcohol, drugs etc... Maybe pursue an artistic endeavour? Paint, draw, play music, study a part to learn by heart and act, make costumes, sew, knit. Bake some bread, the lovely smell will make you feel better.
Do your chores ungrudgingly and relish in the fact that you've finally stopped procrastinating. Reach out for the reachable and don't try to reach what you can't get. If some tasks look too daunting, break them down into little manageable bits. You can't get rid of all the paper that 's been accumulating over the weeks? Go through one small-ish pile at a time. Do one for today, the rest you can do later; it'll take 10 minutes, half and hour, an hour, whatever you're able to sustain, and then do something else that's more pleasant. Talk to your cat, your dog, your hamster, ... your plants. They love it when you talk to them. Even the spider in the corner will be glad to have company. Most of all, take care of yourself.
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I have met a counselor to talk about my sexuality and it didn't help me at all,she thought I was having gender confusion because I said sometimes guys tend to caress me.
Obviously your childhood dilemma is interfering your current sexual life as I see it. I believe it is better to share your childhood dilemma with your best friends or family members who care enough on your welfare. Just my opinion though,maybe the counselor that I met didn't receive proper training on my issues. =/
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I think you're right, Mamza.... She's untrained. But maybe she's also in denial of human nature?
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Having your own feelings about yourself denied by others, who are ready to swear that they don't exist is akin to bullying.
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I am an addict, a drug and alcohol addict. Perhaps 'was' is a good tense since I no longer act out and drink (to drunkenness) and use drugs for escape.
The problem wasn't so much that I desired drugs/drink, the problem was that I needed to find ways to change the underlying emotions that lead to my feeding that desire. Here I am 18 years later and I still get the occasional 'need' for speed, or to date Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker. However now I have a set of 'tools' that allow me to analyze my emotions driving me to need a drink or a needle or whatever.
You are in a similar boat - I'm not saying that you are a sex addict (you might be, but that is an exploration you must do yourself) - I'm saying you need to address the root of the problem, the reason behind this 'need' of yours.
We all suffer from the weakness(es) of the flesh. Lust is but one of them.
I believe the real big problem here is how you feel after you sex text or after you jump into bed. All of that guilt and shame while 'typical' when it comes to people who have a bit of fun in the sack (sex) it is largely a programmed response due to societal sexual mores and taboos.
Whatever happened to you in your long past (childhood) has left its mark, and I fear it is not only causing you to do some risky behaviors (self destructive behaviors?) - it is also making sex 'dirty' in your mind, which has lead to lots of unnecessary guilt and shame over a physical function that everyone does (and those who say they don't are liars) which we call 'sex'.
This may be the real root of your problem, the guilt and shame associated with sex due to ____________ (whatever happened in your long past) may actually be leading you to seek out these situations to where you give yourself 'good reason' to 'punish' yourself with this guilt and shame.
I bet if you start working on the events of your past, start working through the left over emotional scars that that left in you, you will not only find yourself 'using' (sex-chatting/random sex on the first date, etc) you may actually stop having so much guilt and shame when you do have sex.
If we are talking about abuse (in your childhood) then this is typical of being abused. No not every abused person gets in this situation, but it does fall well with in the parameters of how people deal with the 'stuff' that that abuse has left them.
Counseling is a good step - perhaps the greatest step that you can take toward 'fixing' yourself and getting the tools you need to deal with the emotions and other stuff.
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princealbertofb Wrote:I think you're right, Mamza.... She's untrained. But maybe she's also in denial of human nature?
Well,it could be,given our cultures. 
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Hey had an interesting day at a Sexual Health Clinic. Totally strange experience I have to tell you.
I got tested for everything even though they didn't think I had anything wrong with but they just wanted to make sure. I always started a hep b and hep c vaccine program thing that guys who have sex with guys can get free on the NHS. I thought why not it cant do any harm (Just mean that giving head with out worrying).
While all that was going on I had a long chat with a sexual health advisor which I found very useful.
I explained to the advisor about these flash backs and the other things that I remember from my childhood and I also told her about booking into see a councillor at the Sanctuary, which deals with people that have been sexually abused. The advisor told they are very good at things like that.
They she bought of the plastic penis lol and explained how to put a condom on, which was a laugh ( she only got it to make me laugh lol).
I've made appointment to see a councillor at the Sanctuary tomorrow morning, so I'll post how that went later in the afternoon tomorrow as well.
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I thought it was a good thing lol!
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Posts: 1,725
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Well today was good I guess, I learnt a few things and said quite a lot too.
I’ve started to see the councillor at the Sanctuary this morning and we talked for an hour about all my worries and childhood memories. We still have a lot more to talk about on the next appointment next week.
I got to write down what I remember of what happened and dates, names and even what they did to me and other kids. I'm a little scarred to do that but I have a week to do it though.
The councilor thinks I am very vulnerable as I’m very open to people and way to nice for my own good. She said that makes me very open to abuse by men that just want to use me.
She told me a lot of guys in my situation end up in prostitution, strangely I have thought of that a few times in the last month. I didn’t tell her that though but was strange that she said about it though. I think I been put on some sort of list for vulnerable people too, but not sure as I thought got what she said.
It was nice to get most of it out in the open though, I feel a lot better though. But I still have to write down what I remember
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