Q: Right time,Relationship,Readiness

[AlfredM]

I just read fellow Malaysian post regarding his relationship,and can't help but wonder,when will I start one? Not that I'm in a rush.

The thought of committing to some one in the nearest time both please and freak me out at the same time. Yeah,I'm pretty sure I'm not ready yet,so why bother? Still..

If you could take some time and share your thoughts on several of my concerns,that would be most appreciated:

1.When did you know you were ready for a relationship?

2.Did you have your share of fooling-around time before committing?

3.Referring to 2,if you answered yes,when and why did you stop and start committing? If no,why?

4.If you're single,are you in fooling-around phase or?

5.Finally,how do you know some one just isn't Mr Right for you (for those who've tried to start a relationship)?

Well,that as much as I could think of,if anybody would like to share some more of their thoughts in relationship,you are most welcomed~

As a starter,in my case: 1,2,3,5 N/A, 4. I'm still enjoying my single life. Maybe when I'm in working life,I'll start to look for relationship.

[MisterTinkles]

Just dont be in a hurry to get into any kind of relationship.

Get to know the other guy first. You may not be suited for each other, once you get to know each other.
Thats why so many relationships fail, they think everything is going to instantly happen and it will be perfect.

Instant works on soup and coffee, not people or relationships.

If you dont take the time to get to be friends first, and learn about each other, how can you expect for love to happen?

Dont be in a rush. If you have things you want to get done in your life before getting involved with someone else, then get them done. Make your life ready for someone else. Take time to get to know each other. Dont make rush judgements and dont make rush decisions. It will just end up badly.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

1. When did you know you were ready for a relationship?
My first relationship in the middle of the last century :eek: just happened out of the blue - sort of like being struck by lightening with out all of the burnt flesh. I actually didn't know if I was ready, or for that matter if I was willing and able to commit myself to being a homosexual.

#'s 2 & 3 were most likely best described as 'rebound' - By the end of #1 I had gotten used to being part of an 'us' and wasn't able to figure out who I was as an individual. After #3 I developed my 365 no dating rule - no relationships either.

#4, 5, and lastly 6 I didn't think I was ready, but they happened anyway, with mixed results.


2. Did you have your share of fooling-around time before committing?

Yes - I guess, I have no idea what my share of fooling around would be.

I have been with 8 men sexually (well willingly, we don't talk about the others). 6 of which were attempts at long term relationships, two were my attempt to be a slut. They were one night stands. Those happened after I started swearing off of men (after #4) because 2 and 3 ended violently, and 4 was all about meth and partying and it wasn't a 'real' relationship.


3. Referring to 2,if you answered yes,when and why did you stop and start committing? If no,why?

Why not be a slut? Because I think it is wrong for me. In my opinion I think sex should take place inside a relationship and be an act of love, intimacy between you and someone you care a lot about. Sex is the icing to the cake, the cake being the relationship.

Mind I tried one night stands, while the sex ended with orgasm, the sex was not fully satisfying and left me feeling 'empty'. I mean if you want to have hundreds of sex partners and you can be satisfied with that - more power to you - Me? It doesn't do anything for me.


4. If you're single,are you in fooling-around phase or?

I am single, and have been for a year now. I don't fool around (have random sex partners) which was explained under #3.

5.Finally,how do you know some one just isn't Mr Right for you (for those who've tried to start a relationship)?

Lets see, #1 ended up going to prison for armed robbery and manslaughter. #2 stalked me after beating the crap out of me, to beat the crap out of me again. #3 broke my heart and my arm. #4 just walked away one day and vanished. #5 was a total bitch ( and he would tell you that himself) and we just couldn't get along. #6 ended up having a little sex issue - refused to have sex with me, but gladly had sex with at least 120 men for the last 12 years of our relationship.

Now I'm not saying that all of these relationships were terrible all the time - there was longish periods of time where things were nice, wonderful and at the beginning of each relationship I thought they were pretty close to Mr. Right.

Now I know there is no such thing as Mr. Right. There is Mr. Mostly Right - one will need to decide what defects of character/foibles one can live with in a man and which ones one cannot.

And you have to acknowledge you ain't perfect and come with issues and problems and luggage. (don't deny your luggage, that is a HUGE mistake)

#6 and I stuck together for 14 years... Granted I had very little clue that he was out gallivanting around with over a hundred men for the last 12 years, and it is true a lot of his behaviors pissed me the hell off and made me want to stop him from doing that annoying thing he does, you know - breathing.... However the good parts of what we had more than made up for the bad that I knew about.

Yes I ended the relationship when I discovered the cheating. The straw that broke the camels back, the one of very few 'unforgivable' things I have on what I cannot accept (The others are abuse and massive drug use).

Besides it takes a special person to deal with me. I have defects of characters and I am a broken toy. PTSD (with night terrors thrown in to make it more fun - I wake up screaming in the middle of the night), Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD) which makes me melancholic in winters and mad as a hatter in summers, I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and have defects of character that I choose to keep.

#6 dealt with my issues I dealt with his - we compromised and accepted as much as we could. We ended up having a quiet relationship with few wars and battles - to me that was a great relationship since it never came to broken bones and sutures.


Its not about finding Mr. Right, its about building a relationship with someone who you can accept on their terms and who can accept you on your terms. Its about meeting in the middle (compromise) and communication and knowing you are going to have good years and bad years and you hope it ends on a great year.

Too many people think that a relationship just magically happens and become disillusioned rapidly when the first hot pangs of passionate love give way to deeper forms of love. Or they think that because sex becomes routine, or all but nonexistent that the love has ended.

There is this terrible lie about what relationships are all about, it is based on myth and fairytales and most people are not prepared nor understand that a relationship is a lot of work and never turns out like they appear to do in the movies/books.

[kidchameleon]

1. I never really feel ready. When I get into relationships, it's just like a sudden shift of priorities, I don't really expect them, or even look for them half the time, they usually just seem to creep up on me xD Not that I'm complaining obviously, but sometimes I do kinda wonder how I find myself in these situations.

2 & 3. I tend to see it more as fooling around afterwards. Whenever I get out of a relationship I tend to have a period where I get as much enjoyment out of being single as I can, before I meet someone I actually connect with.

4. Currently single, but right now I'm more in a phase of just enjoying my life as a person, rather than as half a whole, or a sexual object/one-night stand, etc. Just taking some time to re-discover myself before I get back out there.

5. I think I tend to know pretty instantly, but I try to ignore it, and hide it from myself by moving the relationship forward xD And then eventually, it tends to catch up with me/us at the worst time, and the break-up tends to affect more than just us by that point, and usually takes a few friends with it.

[AlfredM]

@Krupt: wow,this is just like developing a 6th sense.. :eek:

@MisterTinkles: Thanks for the thoughts. I'm not in a rush,but seeing some people who have found the love of their life at young age sure is intriguing,wondering why haven't I..?:confused: But I also understand that each person life is different,I can't just compare like that.

@Bowyn Aerrow: Thanks for sharing your vast experiences. I learnt about compromise now. I know there's no such thing as a fairy tale Mr Right,nobody is perfect and so do I. Although,what I could and couldn't compromise are to be discovered yet. =/

@kidchameleon: Thank you. I suppose there are things we didn't expect but just happened,and we just went along with it. And there're also things that we know deep down in the heart but chose to ignore till the last minute. Taking time to discover ourselves,that's something that I could do for now.

Really,thank you guys. ヾ（＠＾▽＾＠）ノ