How Do You...Date?

[Rae]

Okay, I'm 19 years old and I have had this horrible realization.
I'm dating impaired.
I even have friends/acquaintances that...
1) Are less attractive than myself. I know I'm fat but I like to think I'm at least a little cute...
2) Have less personality than a potato. Seriously?
3) Have less social skills than me. Why is the severely autistic girl dating and I'm not? I mean, kudos to her but kinda an ego-suck...

And what's worse, here's the list of my past boyfriends/girlfriends.
1) Boyfriend- Didn't talk to me for a long time, avoided me, then broke up with me. Made fun of me constantly.
2) Girlfriend- I couldn't talk to her on a regular basis, and after less than a month broke up with me because we didn't talk, when really I didn't get ONE message from Myspace.
3) Girlfriend- CRAZY ASS BITCH ALERT! Said I was abusive to her when it was the other way around. She also had some bestiality fetishes. Ew.
4) Boyfriend- Turned out was just a chubby chaser. Left me for my former friend that had no personality of her own and just dressed like a Japanese hooker.
5) Boyfriend- Ignored me and kept secrets from me. Ended it by saying "I'm incapable of love." then a week later got with a mutual friend of ours, gushed about how much he loves her, and then made her turn on me by harassing me.
5) Boyfriend- Does this one even count? We were together about a month and then he did a coward's breakup by removing me as his girlfriend from facebook and waited for me to notice. Not cool.

So yeah. Is it so much to ask for someone that isn't a psycho and that doesn't mind the fact I have some meat on my bones?
I would happily go out on a date, but then I realize I seldom leave my house anymore due to a growing case of agoraphobia.
I feel trapped in a cage I built myself and I don't know how to get out. I just want to date and hopefully find the right person. I have my standards and my preferences (Tom Hiddleston sums those up pretty well), but being fat, even my parents have told me I can't have them until I lose weight and become more pretty...

Anyway, I really could use some advice. I live in Southern Indiana (hate it) and I'm just a hopeless romantic (though admittedly I have trouble with emotional connections but I don't really feel like delving into that right now...) and I just want someone to stand by me...
I don't even really know what to ask since I don't know where to start.
Help?

[trywait]

sorry rae, but i'm by no means a "relationship" expert, but often times, rushing into a "relationship" before its time is like picking and eating an unripe green banana.
start off as friends and get to know each other first

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I didn't go on a date until I was 24......

And then it is debatable if the first few times we 'went out' was a date... I mean does breakfast after working the night-shift together a 'date' or is it just coworkers having breakfast after a long night at one of those fancy hotels that rent rooms by the hour?

You have been with as many people in a 'relationship' at age 19 than have been in my whole life of 47 years.

God that is horrible. :eek:
.... What is wrong with me?

I didn't date or have a relationship until my mid 20's - am I so hideous that no one wanted me?

Apparently you are far more socially active than I have ever been - And better looking - far far better looking.


You have years and decades of the dating scene left in you, in three more years they will 'retire' my jersey when I hit 50 (Gay men over 50 are considered dead if they are not already in a relationship).

Fat can be lost, wrinkles, grey hair and 'old man skin' never goes away. It just gets more wrinkled, more grey and morer old man skin.... Then there are dentures, hearing aides and other things we don't want to talk about.


What was my point? My point is your life is far from over - you have plenty of time to find and make many more exes.... Me, not so much ...

My other point is you are doing better in the dating area than some people well at least one person (me). Especially at your age. Hell I thought I was celibate and heading for the priesthood when I was 19... You - you know who you are, and are not pursuing false leads. You got your shit together well before I got mine together.

All of that is to say that its not as bad as you think it is, you are lightyears ahead of others (me).

Yeah sure, these past relationships didn't work out. Tell me how many of those past lovers put you in the hospital? Two of mine lead to hospital stays.

How many of your lovers ended up going to prison for murder? My first did. that was fun. (not really, but lets just all nod and say it was).

#4 was the first man to slide a needle in my arm and turn me on to slamming meth... That lead to a serious addiction that lasted longer than that relationship did - and I'm still paying a minor price two decades later.

Unless you can top that with your loves, I think you are also doing better than me in that department too.

I think I'm beginning to hate you here... You got this whole dating thing down pat and you apparently can pick better lovers than me...

My advice:

1. Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better in these areas than a lot of people your age.

2. Understand that you are only 19 and have at least 2 good decades to go before they start talking about the glue factory for you. 20 years from now you will be only 39... still a long away away from gay death (the big Five Oh). Trust me a lot and I mean a whole hella lot can happen in twenty years.

3. Go easy on yourself. You are not as ugly nor as fat as you think.

4. yes there is somebody out there who will love you and the package you comes in.

5. I strongly suggest you pare down your list of 'must haves' to three or four very essential things. And if more than 2 of them are strictly physical stuff you need to sit down and ask yourself why it is you are being shallow.

---> Trust me, this old elf can attest to the fact that time does steal beauty....

[Wade]

4. yes there is somebody out there who will love you and the package you comes in.

I've posted this before in another thread, but I think it bears reposting....

I saw this number in a children's show a friend of mine was in. I swear I was almost weeping. It's a musical based on "The Ugly Duckling." In this scene the "ugly" frog is giving advice to the downtrodden, lonely little duckling:

[Nick9]

Rae, you are 19 and had six relationships already? When did you start? Or maybe better, have you taken time to actually get to KNOW you partners BEFORE they became your partners?

Try to concentrate on friendship before you rush into relationship.

Also, try to accept that people are cute, nice and lovable no matter if you see them that way. Don't compare them to yourself and don't talk low about them.

[PaperMachete]

A few things to consider:

1. Do you love yourself? Your post is a little ambiguous about that. I see a few things that lead me to believe you really don't, and a few to make me think you do. If you don't love yourself, start there and work on that. It took me a long time to realize that I can't expect someone to love me (or for a relationship to work out) if I don't love myself. And for awhile, I hated myself.

2. To be blunt, I see two common similarities between all your former partners - they are psycho/bad/negative/chaotic people, and you chose them. I have a feeling there is more to the fact that all your ex partners are psycho than the idea that those are the only people who were attracted to you.

3. Don't listen to your parents or anyone else about your weight. Be happy about yourself. If you want to lose weight for yourself, go ahead. But it should be because you want to lose weight, not because it may mean more people find you attractive or hit on you.

4. Speaking only for myself, looks are important to me, but they are by no means all I'm looking for in a partner. I've had more fun on dates with people I wasn't initially physically attracted to then I have when I went on dates with guys I thought were drop dead sexy.

5. Related to my second point above, but look through your past relationships and think of similarities between all of your former partners. Did you meet them all at the same place? Was there one or two things about them that immediately caught your attention? Or those traits shared among most or all of them? Maybe if you start thinking about those sorts of things, you can identify things that attract you to such negative people.

6. Start doing a hobby or join a group. That's always a great way to meet new people, and new potential partners.

7. Slow down and relax. You do not have to figure out dating when you are 19. Don't try to force yourself into a relationship because everyone else seems to be in one. Once again, I'm speaking from experience here. And let me echo what the other posters have said - you are doing great in the dating game for only 19. Calm down with the comparative thinking. It will only end up hurting you.

[ManicReptile21]

You may simply not be asking the proper questions. Firstly your critism of your own friends is already a huge tip off. Perhaps you should stop looking for a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons. and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Evaluate them on that outing. Ask them personal questions that arent usually asked on ordinary days. GET TO KNOW YOUR DATE.

[Rosie]

Ok, as a chubby woman who is married to a gorgeous fat woman I would advise you to begin by forgetting the notion that no one will be attracted to you as long as you are fat! One of my exes tried to convince me that she was not attracted to me because I was overweight and when we broke up she claimed that "lesbians are only interested in skinny women" therefore I would never meet anyone else. When we broke up and I began to get involved with the local LGBT community I was shocked by the amount of women who were jumping at the chance to date a confident, interesting, fat chick. Society leads us to believe that when someone dates a fat person they are choosing to overlook their appearance because the fat person has such a great personality/is kind/insert favorable quality of your choice, when in fact SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST ATTRACTED TO BIGGER PEOPLE! So do not allow anyone to cause you to feel unworthy of true love because of your weight. That being said, if you are unhappy with your weight you may want to take measures to change it. Either way it sounds to me like you need to gain some self-confidence!

Instead of focusing on meeting the perfect partner perhaps you could focus on activities that get you out of the house (the more that you avoid social activities the more difficult it will be for you to be social in the future), and on activities that allow you to meet new friends (as it seems you're not very fond of the ones you currently have). By going out and doing things that you enjoy you are more likely to meet someone who shares your interests, and for some reason it is when people stop seeking out romantic partners that "the one" seems to show up. Plus, becoming friends before you date is always a good idea.

One more thing, you are only 19! You have plenty of time to date and find your ideal partner.

[MisterTinkles]

What constitutes a "date"?????

Ive met guys at restaurants and bars, but I only remember a couple of occasions where I was asked out.
And other than just eating dinner, it wasnt anything notable. Except this one time, the guy I met asked to hold my hand across the table.

Other than that....I would say I have no idea what a "date" is.