African Homophobes #1: My Dearest Natasha

[Jude997]

Hello again.
So... If you read everything in my recent post 'Africa Kills Rainbows' -about my manically insane homophobic mother- you would've seen at the bottom that I have already come out to a few close friends. And I said that pretty much most of them accepted me for who I was and still love me, pretty much. Except for one, and this is what happened when I told her.

Lets call this very sweet open-minded girl Natasha ( even though she deserves it, lets not expose her name.) So, as you know, last month was pride month (raise the rainbows!), and I was reading online all these brilliant stories about how all these gay men and girls were coming out to everyone, that they felt that something inside them were PUSHING them because of all the hype associated with 'June'. In these stories, a lot of them spoke about how accepting everyone was of their sexuality and how they felt like a giant heap in their chest had just vanished completely. Just gone, stuck there for all their life... Now gone. And me, being in the closet for as long as I can remember, wanted nothing else but that. That feeling of relief, that something heavy has just disappeared from your Solar Plexus. But of course I knew I definitely COULD NOT tell my mother (if you read Africa Kills Rainbows you'll see why), or any other person in my nearest family as a matter of fact. Well anyways, I decided I needed to tell one of my closest friends. (Closest GIRL-friends) and the first person that came to mind of course was dearest Natasha, the first person I came out to. Of course before I decided to tell her, I knew very well how strong a faith she had about Jesus Christ and the Bible and all that jazz, but I donno, I guess i felt she would turn that all away for her friend, when I told her about my homosexuality. I really thought she would still accept me afterwards, and of course, If she had, I wouldn't of been telling this story.

Anyways, the day came and I was absolutely nervous; we were completely alone. I think we were both sitting down on a white bench outside the school. But I remember so clearly how calm she looked when I looked at her. Her flowing hair, the paleness in her pastel cheeks, the way her nose crinkled everytime a drop of rain would fall and slide down her neck. I immediately fell in love with how the calmness in her posture contrasted to the anxiety I was going through at the time. My thoughts raced, and you can only imagine what thoughts those were,
-OH MY GOD SHE'S GOING TO THINK IM A FREAK
-SHE'S GOING TO TELL EVERYONE
-I CAN'T DO THIS, I DONT WANT TO I CAN'T DO-
And that's when I just blurted it out, whilst it was crawling on my tongue, breaking the silence. I mumbled it at first. She immediately looked at me again, not really startled, and asked 'Pardon? I never heard you?' And I said it clearer,
"I'm gay, Natasha. I'm g-g-g-g-gay." ....
And the expression on her face.. It showed CLEARLY that she heard what I said. Too clearly for words.
The subtle paleness in her cheeks poisoned her complexion with red continuing blotches, those soft perfect red lips of hers formed an 'O' shape with her mouth wide open, exhaling clouds from the cold weather. She stared at me through hazel eyes, made to look shocked by her crinkled brown eyebrows, shocked beyond reality. I couldn't look her in the eyes for that moment in time. Too ashamed, I felt.

So of course it definitely was not the reaction I was expecting (hoping for),but the shock slowly turned more into sad pity than anything else. Sad pity and patronization... When I eventually gained the courage to look at her face again, I noticed how red she had gotten. Those simple red blotches had turned to dunes as red as the ones on Mars. Just from one piece of information.

Well anyways she eventually got to asking if I was kidding/joking about it or not and (even though I had an urge to lie), I told her I was very serious. I am gay. I am gay.
She turned her head away and thats when she began with a lecture. A lecture which seemed that she had been preparing since forever.

*Before I share this lecture I just want to give a quick piece of information about myself ; when I was 3 years old, my Father was involved in a serious Car Accident in South Africa (Trialbyerror if you're reading this, it was in Johannesburg). And he was put into a coma in a South African hospital, where he died 5 years later (I was 8 years old). Continuing..*

Of course Natasha (oh dearest Natasha) knew this piece of information. And in her lecture she immediately began to blame my current sexuality on the absence of a father figure. She said,

'No Jude. You obviously must know that since you have never actually been loved by a man, you are curious to know what it feels like. So you are replacing that lack of love from a male figure, to every other male figure around you. Trust me, homosexuality is not the answer. You're just a little lost and confused.'

After this I felt like I had honestly taken a blow to the head, a terrible punch. She had just called me lost and confused when honestly at the time , I felt like I had discovered myself more than I ever have! And here she was telling me that i was soo confused. Anyways she continues..

"You know Jude, I know who can help you. My father, he deals in these sort of things. Religious counseling. Whenever somebody feels like they are being motivated by the Devil, he creates a different pathway for them. So I honestly think he can.. Correct you." She was now beginning to smile. "And you know what, I think I should give you his number, he would probably really like to help you."

And as she began plotting down his number on a piece of paper in an exam pad she had, I told her straight away to stop wasting her paper. The rain poured down on the tree we were using as shelter, her brown hair seemed to be wasted of all it's magic from the washing away with the water. I told her straight away, with shuddering teeth,

"Thank you Natasha, but I think I'll pass. I don't need to be corrected because I am 100% that there is nothing wrong with me. At least I think not. I hardly even knew my Father, so how could I miss a male presence if it wasn't there in the first place? I have lived my whole life in fear and the fact that you're the first person I have EVER told should make you extremely grateful that you have my trust. But obviously not." The last part of this was mostly a whisper, spoken through a voice as soft as the raindrops which surrounded us. She immediately looked distressed and said
"Well Jude I'm giving you a choice. If you would like this number, then you can take it, call my father, go for counseling and get cured. Easy. But if you decide that you would not like the number... Then I can't talk to you anymore. I can't be friends with someone I KNOW is going to hell. Please... take the number Jude."

This is where I pretty much stood up and walked away. I'd had enough of course, which I'm sure was expected. I had to go, somewhere, ANYwhere that dearest homophobe wasn't. It was too much to feel so much hatred at once, I could barely think straight (pun). So I went to the bathroom and lived the moment again and again, regretting it with every single replay. Every... Single...replay.

[Miles]

I'm very sorry this happened to you. It's a shame that ignorance and sheer blindness to common sense prompted her to react the way she did. But you're better off without that in your life and instead being with the people who don't let distorted "science" and religion get in the way of a real friendship.

[Dreamer]

It's a true shame she'd come to that conclusion. You must know that she was never your friend, in the first place. Yes, you can grief the loss, but know that like with your father, you can't miss her presence because, as a friend, it was never there in the first place.

You'll be sure to find true friends soon enough that will love you no matter what.

[Eros]

^I dissagre with you

I think it's sad, but you have to understand what does it feels for someone who's believed her whole life about everything she was told about the bible to face the fact her friend tells her he's gay and think he's going to hell because an evil force is making him sin lol, I believe if my grand mother was alive she would've reacted basically the same, you just have to give her time to understand, and explain the whole deal to her, now, if she still believes you are a demon or something (lol) then I would say that she was never your friend.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

First off, let me say that your very brave coming out at all in Africa!

Having just spent 2 years in Sub-Saharan Africa, I know just how difficult that can be given the widespread homophobia thats around in that part of the world!

Your 16, probably feeling liberated and invincible when you tell people (and you have every right to) But please PLEASE ensure you do not compromise your personal security.

ObW
X

[Miles]

Cake does have a point. Even though she's wrong, in her mind it seems she was trying to do right by him. That's the sad thing about it.

[Eros]

I ain't worthy, my english sucks. lmao

[Jake]

Unfortunately CakeLov is totally right. Your friend thought she was doing the right thing and if you knew her as much you should have known that religion poison the mind. Mostly for those who swear by the book and live by the book.

My actual boyfriend, well husband I should say because we are married . I met him he was 19 and I was 29. He's from a little town in the state of Queensland, AU and in that town he lived with his mom and dad (had a sister but she died very young of an incurable disease) because of that event his mom (a very devout christian - one of those excessive born again) was all about Jesus Christ and the bible of course. For her all other religions were wrong (taking in consideration she never read the Qu'ran or have Muslim friends to compare faith.) My dude known he was gay very young, at 13 years old to be exact he started accepting the fact that no girls will make him happy sexually or emotionally... but in a small and homophobic town where he comes from there was no way for him to turn to anyone... yes of course there might have been other gay guys surrounding him, among his family and friends but over there and in Australia it wasn't common back in his day to come out and mostly not in a small community. So one day he took up his courage and told to his dad first that he was gay. His dad took it fairly well and didn't really want to discuss further since he told his son that he knew something was different about him but couldn't put his finger in it.

Alex's dad who died last year was a very comprehensive man and very close to his son... but the mommy was the issue. When he found the courage to tell his mom, Alex was aged 15 years old... he told his dad about his feelings a year before. But religious mommy he believed it was better for him to wait a bit first for himself to understand what he really wanted and well let's say it he was scared out of his wits to tell his mom. So one day that the dad wasn't home he came back from school and decided that day to tell his mom... unfortunately it was a Friday... so no school the next day. His mom reacted violently; crying to god, asking why, NOT MY SON, not my baby. Well you get the picture... a massive family drama... like her son just died. And of course this was the work of the devil. It doesn't matter how much Alex and his dad tried to explain to his mom that being gay is not the end of the world, it's just an emotional and sexual preferences and that it wasn't a choice... she wouldn't want to hear nothing about it. For her, her son died this Friday night after school. Satan was in the house and you guess what happened next. She wanted to fix it. What is the bistouri for an excessive religious person? Jesus Christ and the bible also involving a priest that few years ago had made some sexual advances to Alex when he was 11 years old. She dragged him for the whole year to counsellors, psychologists, priests, forced him to pray for forgiveness and a cure to its gayness with no success since you can't removed what nature implanted into you.

Desperate and ashamed of her son for being the worst of the sinner... because for her being gay was almost as bad as murdering somebody... she arranged without the consent of her husband to ship Alex to live with his aunt in Canada (yep that's how I met him). So just imagine it... a confused beautiful blond australian boy removed from his hometown, taken away from his friends and family shipped to the other side of the world at age 15. I can tell you that Alex wasn't feeling good and yes he had severe depression and attempted to his life more than once.

Now here's another problem Alex faced when he came to Canada... Although his aunt and uncle were very gay friendly, Alex is a very attractive guy... the one that you guys drool over if you're into blond twinks with gray eyes (he did some professional modeling as well) while he was looking for love the only thing he could get was hookups... most of his former boyfriends were all in for the way he looked. Who's not proud to be accompanied with a beautiful guy (I know I am) so his love relationship in Canada always ended badly. Went I met him he was a very depressed guy, he had no will to live and was ready to take the final exist to remove the pain he have been carried since he was 15.

And at 19 he was attending a party with few friends during a school release and I was among the guest. Obviously I did saw him but hey... although I am not a bad looking guy I would never believe I could get a model-like boyfriend such as him. I'm black, he's white and although I know many white dude do like black dudes I was not too confident when it's time to approach someone that is consider a dream boy. But providence did it works... one of our common friend came to me and asked me if I could talk to one of his friend (back then I just finished my second year in behavioral psychology) and my friend believed that because of my background (not only academic - because everyone has a story and I have mine) he wanted me to try and speak with Alex to see if I could cheer him up since my friend told me that Alex was very depressed, heart broken and ready to live this world. Now what first came to my mind when my friend said that is "how the fuck a beautiful guy like him who can have all the fucking sex he wants just by batting his eyelashes want to kill himself." Well I did accept to talk with Alex so we have been introduced... and yes it was very awkward at first because while I knew I had a mission to do with him... his beauty intimidated me badly until I sense in its voice that the dude was truly broken, he was truly depressed, he was feeling all alone even though he was surrounded with people... so yes the sexual excitement that I had for him turned into empathy I could read his pain in its look I could hear it in its voice. And that's how I met my dude.

So we became friends and I proposed him when he turned 20 to go back to Australia (yes I paid the whole trip back and forth) to go have a talk with his mom. Alex, although he loves his mom like a son should was very very mad at her for ditching him in its time of need, and through the year we have been together I made him understand that her's mon religious believe goes against everything that is a sin... therefore one have to pointed to her that every human being are sinners. Alex didn't know how to explain that to his mom and was scared to death to confront her. And yes we went together to Australia and I met his mom. If I open a parenthesis:

I am an atheist, but not any kind of atheist. I'm the type of atheist that have read the bible cover to cover, I also compared historical fact versus biblical stories, I am proficient in sociology, psychology, anthropology and biology... so yes if I tell you something about the bible it's not just an opinion that I'm voicing I'll bring you the fact. But I am also one that is not scared to say things no matter to me whether they are hurtful or not... yes I do try my best to be as polite as possible but when events take stupid turns I am very short fused. I've studied many doctrinal religions, I've read the Qu'ran, the Mormons Tabernacle, the tibetan book of the dead, as a Shaolin practitioner for the last 20 years I am also well versed in buddhism so religion is something that I do not practice but it is something that I know. I have classical latin... learned some ancient hebrew so I can and will translate some of the meaning and compare them against new philosophies and I do all that as a hobby lol.

So we got a very cold welcome from Alex's mom, first because her son was coming back with a dude (she didn't know we were an Item but obviously she figured out, and well I was a black dude... not that she was racist but for her a black man is suppose to be creature of god and it's unacceptable in her reasoning that a black guy could be gay. I can tell you that it wasn't a great trip... Alex cried like crazy, got sick and I got really really mad at her. And when I'm mad at someone I'm the devil in person... but things got calmer after a while... I guess Alex's dad had told her to listen to us... and that's when she finally got off the stick she had trusted in her ass that she learned that I was very knowledgeable in religious matter and there we had a terrain of discussion that she was more interested in.

Alex's mon and I spent few days comparing our knowledge of the bible until I came back with the gay part... asking her find me in the bible where it really says that it's wrong to be gay. Then she brought me to Sodom and Gomorrah... which I ask right after, now it's in the bible you're right. Tell me where sodom and gomorrah where located... do you have any evidence that those two cities really did existed and if they did can you tell me where are they today or where should they be. The goal of this whole exercise was to prove to her that she although she had read the bible from cover to cover there's a lot of things she didn't know. That her beloved book had a lot in it but none of the actual writing were as detailed as one wanted. Afterward we went to the library and I've got her a book of Homer, the Qu'ran, The Mormon and we compared few text in it with her King James version of the bible... Why Homer you ask.? Well guys go to your library and pick up one of the novel from Homer and compare it with some writing of the bible and you'll find a lot of similarities... Homer is considered a novel, a fabricated story... yet you find so much similarities in that book regarding a certain Jesus-Christ it's concerning.

So yes we have been in Australia for 3 weeks, and for at least a week I spend discussing days and night with Alex's mom until she finally said, my son isn't sick and I love him. She finally admit that she got scared and she apologized to her son in front of me. Then she started asking the question a parent should ask to a gay son.

Now don't go believing that all was fixed with that trip, she had relapsed up until Alex's dad died and she recognized that the only man she had left in her life was her gay son for which even after all she did to him, never stopped loving his mom. We invited Alex's mom to visit us in Canada and then she saw that her son wasn't a whore, had a great job, had a very loving boyfriend (me) and he was leading a very normal life. She is still religious but much more tolerant.

Alex and I have been together for 8 years and he still look like he's a 19 years old boy lol. Well I do look my age either though. All that to say that religious people aren't always doing things that bad... for them and the way they react it's also helping... unfortunately they need a little push to put them back in reality of life and that the man in the sky does not decides everything for you.