Inferiority Complex

[Anonymous]

Hi every one. I had episodes lately where I find myself as totally not as par as some people around my age. That resulted in me being depressed for a whole day,previously it had been days or even weeks,but I'm no where near committing suicide as it's against my religion and I'm a strong believer. A lil bit of heads up,I'm a bi man (predominantly gay,more than incidentally str8). I've decided to post anonymously cause I can't handle exposing too much information about myself,but I need to,so here it goes.

1. Ability to make friends.

I've always had a hard time connecting with people,mainly due to my shyness,introvert,sensitivity and I don't talk much. I'm so sensitive in secondary school that if you name called me,I won't speak to you for weeks,but I've managed to control it down to an acceptable level,still occasionally,I'll have an emotional burst. Also lately I've been thinking it could be due that my sexuality is hindering me from making friends.

You see,I'm usually inclined to make friend with very good looking people,be it guys or girls,unless I found their personality clicked with me. I think in a way,this has made me shallow.

These good looking people are usually my crush if I don't befriend them,but if I do befriend them,I have a harder time to maintain boundaries between friendship and my sexuality,I get turned on so much more being exposed to them too much!

Also,I usually can't be myself around them,like how I love to act fem occasionally,but I'm also masc at time. Oh yeah,just show you're a lil bit fem and you'll be judged as drag queen or even trans,not that I discriminate them,but I'm not one,so I don't want the judgement.

I know I should not be too concern about others judgement,but if it comes from your own friend,it hurts. Yeah,they're probably not my friend to begin with if they are so judgmental,but I have a good time with them,and it's not that often.

Others stuff would be like I don't know to make a good small talk,how to avoid awkward silence when it's just the two of you,what's even the right conversation starter to make sure that I don't sound like hitting him/her.

Seeing other people make friends so easily,it just hit me. I'm even having a hard time to make friend here on GS. Also I find I have less in common with guys,like I don't know much about soccer,cars,motorcycles,all masc stuff.

2. Sports and physical appearance.

I'm fat. I'm lazy. I don't like sports. I guess that described a lot. I hate sweating so much as a kid,and that's what lead me to hating sports. But I do enjoy some like badminton,swimming,archery and bowling,but as recreational activity that I'll do once in a year,lol.

Also I love food. I'm one of those people that believe the saying 'living for eating' instead of 'eating for living'. Food plays important role in my emotional balance. I eat a lot when in happy,sad,or bored. The only time I lost appetite so much is when I'm sick.

Once I had a bad day while travelling with my friends. We tried snowboarding for the first time,there's no snow in our country. I couldn't snowboard at all,it last a few seconds before I fell. To make it worse,the rental outfit was actually not my size,so my movement was limited,and so I can't get up on my own. The whole thing was a waste of my time and money,and I just couldn't wait till we get back to our room.

On the way back,we stopped by and had dinner. Well,dinner was so good that I forget all my frustration the whole day. From being moody grumpy silent guy,I went to a cheerful happy talkative guy in a split second. And that's why I believe food plays such an important role to me,not just a nutrition to love by.

Of course I tried dieting and exercising to get in shape,but it's never easy,and I failed over and over. I can't find one thing to keep motivate me,and as I said,food balances my emotion. So when I starved,I get emotional very easily. I don't know if there's a way to eat buffet daily while getting a body like a model,metaphorically.

Reading previous threads about fatty people,I could see why not many people find them attractive. I myself am not attracted to myself,how am I suppose to find other attractive people as my partner? It's like dreaming too high for me.

3. Career and academic.

I live in a country where academic achievement is almost everything. Not that I give a damn anymore now,but I'm graduating in a year and I have to start thinking about my future.

If I am to go into academia life,where I further my study to master and phd level,I'll definitely need to be a nerd. Things at postgrad level are too abstract to me,I couldn't do it in undergrad level,how am I suppose to take it on higher level? But it's definitely easier as I don't need much soft skills needed to survive working world outside.

If I am to work after graduating,I'm not so sure what I could be with my degree. Hell I'm not even sure if I have what it takes to survive in working world. I can't make connections with people easily,I find repetitive task as boring,I am not even sure if I could pass any interview given my past experience in getting a scholarship. Well,I did get one,but its government,it's not as hard to get as private scholarship.

FYI,I'm studying math,some fields I'm interested in is Operational Research, Combinatorics,and Cryptography.

I'm also scared to do a thesis project and industrial training,but I figured I'll do them anyway just to let it becomes a deciding factor for my future.

4. Dating and sex.

Finally,I'm so scared to find a relationship. I'm so horny all the time (partly due to my porn addiction problem,I'm handling it right now by fasting),but I don't believe in hook up,but to find a guy to start a LTR is next to impossible here in my country,everybody just want one night stand and have nothing to do with each other,or so I believe. The best I could see is you becoming a married man's mistress.

I'm scared of the intimacy,and the willing to compromise,and the time needed to spare. While the thought is wonderful,but how could I ever find a partner if I'm even having a hard time to make friend? Not to mention I'm fat. Although my look is nice to look at,from others' opinion,I'm not particularly charming. I think this is a result of me being shallow,which is why I'm also being shallow to myself.

Also I've read in this forum about not having to do anal sex but you could still have a good sex? First,I think I have minor hemorrhoid,it could be cause I always wash myself down there by using my middle finger,in a way,I finger-fuck myself all my life? LOL. I just can't stand the though of having some left over down there. Second,my religion don't allow anal sex,even among hetero couples,so I really don't have the option,do I?

Anyway,I've heard this 'there's another way to enjoy sex without anal sex',but I've never actually hear any particular example or case by others. Also,by not being able to have anal sex,I think I have narrowed my potential partner to a very select few next to none.

Oh,did I mention that I need to get married in order to do sex in the first place? According to my belief of course. Who would want to wait that long to have sex in gay community? Obviously one-month-no-sex rule has already filtered out many shallow guys in the process,but need-to-marry-to-have-sex rule sounds like filtering the whole world. Unless of course the guy is of my religion.

Oh,and I realized that people don't get married in like a month of meeting,some not even a year,it might take around 3 years of LTR before the people decide to marry. Of course there's always those who don't even want to get married in the first place.

Knowing all these about me,will you still date me? (It's part rhetorical,part actual question)
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My last episode had something to do with me keeping boundaries between my faith and sexuality,something I haven't come at peace with despite I have already accepted who I am. I don't it'll do any good discussing it in this forum,considering there're so many atheist,agnostic,and some religious Christians.

If anybody actually read this,I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. If you could just at least thank the post to let me know,that'll be very comforting.

Thank you.

[MisterLove]

Most gay men are shy and insecure, I can't really say why, so you're definitely not alone here.

I was and still am extremely insecure - in part because of my sexual orientation (it still is a great taboo in our society and we'd better keep quiet).

The difficult relationship with my mother played a huge part in this, as well. Everyone thinks she's a good mother because I always got good grades at school but she really isn't, she is a diagnosed schizophrenic and a rotten person: when I was a kid she kept reminding me how supposedly unattractive I was, made constant fun of my hairloss, insulted me for no reason whatsoever (e.g. calling me stupid and pedophile), etc.

My current professional situation is very fragile and doesn't help either. My contract needs to be renewed every year, so I have to be cautious and keep my mouth shut.

As for physical activity, you really should try to make an effort. I didn't like it either but it's worth it. The benefits are not just physical but psychological, as well. 30 minutes at the gym are infinitely better and more effective than any antidepressant. If motivation is a problem, hire a personal trainer - a cute one, preferably

[Jake]

Anonymous Guy, I am about to reply to you and it will be as long as you did and yes I preach by examples using my own experience and sometimes those of others. After reading your whole complains (because that's what it is) the only thing I can say here is that you're putting a lot of barriers to yourself and that is your own doing for not being happy in this life. So let's start shall we.

First and foremost let me introduce myself, I'm Jake (no need to go check my profile I'll just tell you who I am right here) I am a sociologist specialized in religious studies and historical societies and also have a major in psychology specialized in behavioral studies and a minor in business management. Now yes you just seen two professional titles that may suggest you that I have the right professional background to assist you but this is not what I'm going to do here. I'm certified and allowed to work in Canada only so wherever you come from does not really matter to me although I do understand that you're a Muslim.

Inferiority complex???

I can sense some inferiority complex in your text but in general I do find that you do not show too much inferiority in your text and I quote:

You see, I’m usually inclined to make friend with very good looking people, be it guys or girls, unless I found their personality clicked with me. I think in a way, this has made me shallow.

What are the very good looking people you're talking about? If I would come to you would you find me very good looking or average looking? I know you heard it before but perhaps it's good to repeat it to yourself more than once "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." As for being shallow let's see my personal definition of shallowness and if you see any traits in there that speak to you, you might want to do something about it because if you refuse to change and open your horizons you're going to be alone and sad for a very very long time.

"Shallow" to me means being very close-minded and judgmental individual. Shallow people tend to base their judgements on the cover rather than the content, and if not that, then they have very distinct criteria for which the person's personality should meet. They never broaden their horizons when it comes to meeting new people. They stay on the shallow end of the pool where there is little diversity and chance.

I know you mentioned that you are very introvert and shy and of course the fact that homosexuality is illegal in your country doesn't help... but for the sake of you if you try (and I mean try) become more open-minded toward other people that may not be as beautiful as you want them to be, you'll become more accepting of different types of people, thus creating a more diverse world for you to... dive into.

For example I am married to a former supermodel and trust me you would never meet someone so humble about himself, he's very aware that at a flap of his eyelashes he can get everything he wants from a girl or a guy even the one that are not gay. Yet he is a very shy and introverts himself. So what is so special of the so called “beautiful people’s personality” that a less beautiful (in your own standard) would have. Each and every person of this planet has different traits of personality no matter the way they look. It’s all about your perception of the person and the perception you have of yourself. It seems to me that by hanging only with “beautiful people” is your way of feeling more comfortable with yourself which boost your ego from saying that you’re surrounded with beautiful people but are they just beautiful externally or also internally… in my opinion I’d prefer 100 thousands times to have a great friend that is less beautiful but loyal and nice on whom I can count. If my husband would just be beautiful and conceit about the way he looks I can guaranty you that I will not find him so beautiful and I would have not fell in love with him in the first place no matter how beautiful he is. Yes, he would be easy on the eyes but when something or someone is rotten in the inside it also shows on the outside.

My advice: try to make friends based on mutual interest rather than just on physical appearances. These “beautiful people” as you say do not shit golden nuggets and do not piss Moet and Chandon (very pricy champagne) either, their shit isn’t more beautiful or smell better than yours… cut their bellies open and you’ll see the very same organs that you have and the very same smell of enclosed organs will come to tinkle your nose, their beauty are not going to prevent them from catching a flu, AIDS or any other diseases.

Also, I usually can't be myself around them, like how I love to act fem occasionally, but I'm also masc at time. Oh yeah, just show you're a lil bit fem and you'll be judged as drag queen or even trans, not that I discriminate them, but I'm not one, so I don't want the judgement.

I know I should not be too concern about others judgement, but if it comes from your own friend, it hurts. Yeah, they're probably not my friend to begin with if they are so judgmental, but I have a good time with them, and it's not that often.

Now that’s another huge issue… if you refuse to be yourself when you’re surrounded by your “so called friends” it really is your own demise because you’re a fake and trust me your friend can feel it too. I don’t know how many friends you have but I’m sure that within those friend there’s at least one that is your real friend but you in-coccoon yourself and yes they feel it. Now here’s something you may want to pay attention here when you say;

like how I love to act fem occasionally, but I'm also masc at time

And then you come back saying something like that:

Oh yeah, just show you're a lil bit fem and you'll be judged as drag queen or even trans, not that I discriminate them, but I'm not one, so I don't want the judgement.

In a way you do discriminate them, because you are not them but instead of being scared of judgement why don’t you take the opportunity to educate them and show the difference between the three. Obviously your friends do not make the difference between someone that is slightly effeminate, a drag queen and a transsexual (which has nothing to do with the afore mentioned.)

I define effeminacy with those two definitions:
1. having feminine qualities untypical of a man : not manly in appearance or manner
2. marked by an unbecoming delicacy or over refinement

Drag Queens who and what are they? When I was a kid I loved dressing up and for me my best was to dress as a woman. Once on Halloween and I was 16 at the time a bunch of friends and I took a bet that I would not go outside dressed as a girl. (Yeah I won lol) Not only I went dressed as a girl, but because of the smoothness of my facial traits (I had no beard shadow back then) and I had long hairs, once dressed as a girl, I really did looked like a fairly attractive young girl… and my girlfriends had quite some fun paintings my nails and applying lipsticks on me and I went out with the high heels and my mini-skirt and walk on the boardwalk with quite the conviction that I was a girl ( a street girl that is lol) and do you know what happened? A car stopped by in the day light, a man pulled down his window and asked me how much I was charging. Later my friends told me that while I was walking down the road with them many guys turned their heads to continue looking at that hot chick walking buy. We had our fun… and at 16 was I a effeminate? No, was I gay? No, was I a drag? No and I did it more than once and this was just for fun. So not all drag queens are gays, not all drag queens are effeminate, and being a drag queen doesn’t automatically lead to the desires of becoming a girl and go for the bistoury. So those who have judgement for drag queens should just go to a drag queens show and they’ll understand that it is just a pack of pure fun. Would I go again and dress up? Hell yeah it’s fun! Again the judgement comes from Ignorance, if you do not want to be judge EDUCATES them, and this doesn’t means that you’re one of them if you just happens to know… I did a course in feminism and few studies in woman suffrage from the beginning of the 20th century and yet I am not a woman and have no desire to become one. It was for me to fully understand their point of view and request by learning the sources of the issue in an academic setting.

Others stuff would be like I don't know to make a good small talk, how to avoid awkward silence when it's just the two of you, what's even the right conversation starter to make sure that I don't sound like hitting him/her.

That my dear friend, trust me you wouldn’t be the first to have issues with small talk… right here at the moment you would believe that I’m a speaking machine due to the length of this response but no lol. I hate small talk and I do not fall into them either. When someone talks to me about the weather I simply nod affirmatively or negatively. One thing I hate the most is when someone absolutely feel the need to cover a silence with small talk. Another thing I hate about small talk is asking me how was my day at work… for me it’s very simple if something spectacular happened at work I’ll tell you… if not just take in consideration that my day at work was just like the previous day and I don’t feel the need to talk about it. Sometime silence is your best friend even though you’re alone with someone else… I strongly believe that if silence is supposed to be, silence it should have until you guys find an interesting subject and start driveling on it. But if the two of you meet for the first time what I suggest you to do is to show interest in the person that you’re meeting… ask them simple question about him/herself… not only it breaks the silence but you also learn to know the person better and in between you try and share some of your own information. And don’t let the other overshadow you; if the person doesn’t ask you any questions and keeps on babbling about how great he/she is… you know you have not much in common with that person. Take your bill and run or go back playing Xbox lol.

Seeing other people make friends so easily, it just hit me. I'm even having a hard time to make friend here on GS. Also I find I have less in common with guys, like I don't know much about soccer, cars, motorcycles, all masc stuff.

Really? That’s because you tend to believe that you have nothing interesting to bring up on the table and you convince yourself so much about it that you have a hard time getting rid of the impression. If you believe that your life isn’t interesting and that everyone else surrounding you have better interest it’s because you never too enough time to try and understand yourself, seems to me it’s some kind of envious behavior and perhaps a little jealousy. And in what way do you have any problem making friends on GS, I am certain that in all the members registered there is one person that is similar to you. But if you don’t want to speak with him/her because of your eternal needs to speak with only “beautiful people” than I am not surprised that you’re having a hard time. Soccer, Cars, Motorcycles the so called “masculine stuff” are no longer that much masculine stuff. I know a shit load of women that are into soccer, cars and motorcycles. I myself don’t know much about those either but you know what? Show some interest you may learn a thing or two. It’s okay not to know something but to refuse to learn about it and complains that you don’t understand it its purely intellectual laziness. I am not a big fan of Football (American Soccer) but hey I’m a big fan of going out with my friends and kick the ball around or even to the worst go see a game and bound with them on their own terrain of interest. You do need to make some concession and you’ll see how much more positively responsive your friends will be if you share some of their activities. You don’t have to fall in love with it. And in return they’ll share some of yours, if you have any… seems to me you’re a “foodies” that’s one activity I do with my friends and husband which you could introduce your friends to.

[Jake]

Also I love food. I'm one of those people that believe the saying 'living for eating' instead of 'eating for living'. Food plays important role in my emotional balance. I eat a lot when in happy, sad, or bored. The only time I lost appetite so much is when I'm sick.

Food plays an important role in every one’s emotional balance and same goes for those who are just “eating for living.” Perhaps yours is at a higher level and I’m not coming here to tell you to cut on food. Hell NO at least there’s something you enjoy and therefore develop that and includes your friends in your passion.

Once I had a bad day while travelling with my friends. We tried snowboarding for the first time, there's no snow in our country. I couldn't snowboard at all, It last a few seconds before I fell. To make it worse, the rental outfit was actually not my size, so my movement was limited, and so I can't get up on my own. The whole thing was a waste of my time and money, and I just couldn't wait till we get back to our room.

LOL that’s what I call a “moment” yes it is frustrating at first including the part where you’re loosing money, but in a long run it is quite a funny situation. If you know how to laugh at yourself you’ll see how ridiculous it was and laugh about it later.

On the way back, we stopped by and had dinner. Well, dinner was so good that I forget all my frustration the whole day. From being moody grumpy silent guy, I went to a cheerful happy talkative guy in a split second. And that's why I believe food plays such an important role to me, not just nutrition to love by.

See not all was lost… you had a bad day and a good lunch lol. That’s basically how it should be, when one has a bad day, just compensate that horrible day with something you love to do if it’s eating so be it, EAT.

I suffer from a very low blood sugar syndrome, if I don’t eat at least 5 times a day, I will be moody, tired and well in my case it’s quite dangerous. But I’m skinny as fuck (still quite muscular though, I have Bruce Lee built and possibly the same strength) and I don’t gain any weight… however I should tell that I’m a very healthy eater, I don’t like fast food (any kind from any fast food restaurants) and I can’t digest chips, cakes and most pastries. So I am forced to eat well or I’ll feel sick. This is in a way is a blessing and a damn at the same time.

Of course I tried dieting and exercising to get in shape, but it's never easy, and I failed over and over. I can't find one thing to keep motivates me, and as I said, food balances my emotion. So when I starved, I get emotional very easily. I don't know if there's a way to eat buffet daily while getting a body like a model, metaphorically.

Dieting only works if you are really committed to it, so if from the very start you’re pessimist and narcissist about dieting its quite obvious that it won’t work for you. Food balances your emotions you said; I understand but what kind of food do you eat? I do not believe in many of the popular diet programs. Sure you’ll say how would you believe in them – “you’re a skinny fuck” and I always been skinny (well that’s not true I am athletic built). But I also do quite a lot of exercise since I am a Shaolin Kung Fu practionner for the last 20 years but that is not a reason to eat badly and you should either learn to control your emotions or the food you’re ingesting. If food balances your emotions, balance your food so you won’t break the scale. In life you can do pretty much everything as long there’s moderation. I have a drink every night, a beer or a glass of wine or whiskey, yet I do not consider myself an alcoholic, I do not drink to be drunk (sometimes I do) but most of the time I’m very controlled about it and when my vision or my body says –“Jake I’ve got enough” I listen to it, hence the fact that I’m rarely sick for having drank too much because I don’t.

Reading previous threads about fatty people, I could see why not many people find them attractive. I myself am not attracted to myself, how am I supposed to find other attractive people as my partner? It's like dreaming too high for me.

There’s fat and there’s enormously fat, baby fat to me is fine, fat that comes from congenital problems is also fine, but fat people that know they could take better care of themselves but choose not to, to me it isn’t the fat I am against, it’s the defeatist attitude they have toward themselves. A fat guy that is comfortable in its skin (and yes I met some) is no uglier than my bombshell husband. And the opposite is very true… at least in my opinion; excessively skinny people are no more beautiful either. I remembered joining a gay twink site once and I check on some performer name Brandon White (some kind of Emo) oh yeah were they ever bragging about his “huge dick” well obviously a penis on a skinny person always does appear to be bigger, and honestly mine is much bigger than his (Yeah I’m gifted on that front and I know lol) but then the guy turns around and there I was looking for an ass, he had none and the rest was pretty much like looking at a living skinless skeleton and to be honest that guy was more scary too look than candyeye… but would you believe that he still have been doing porn for about a year and half and some people kept on asking him to return. Yet again it all comes down to that annoying saying that everyone says “ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and in my eyes he was more of a Frankenstein than a cutie twink so the same apply for people with love handles or one that walks around with Saturn’s rings and asteroids flying above his corpus .

One question to ask yourself about love? The real one… are you really looking for love or you just looking for a beautiful guy to have sex with? Love has no preferences of shape and colors. I am a black dude and my baby is a Caucasian. If tomorrow my baby get into an accident and his beautiful face get smashed, am I still going to be attracted to him, will I let him go because he’s no longer attractive to me? NO because frankly when you’re in love with someone it’s not only the external envelop that counts… in fact after a while and after you have been having sex a thousand times with the same guy or girl… it is really more the inside that counts.

Yet you say somewhere that you do not believe in hookups, but for me when you simply look for “beautiful guys” for which you befriend and in the back of your mind you just want to jump his bones… that’s what I call a hookup philosophy. You know you do need to learn to call a cat a cat.

I live in a country where academic achievement is almost everything. Not that I give a damn anymore now, but I'm graduating in a year and I have to start thinking about my future.

That my friend it’s pretty much the same in most developed country, although here I know that with very little education you can still do a lot. So at the beginning of this post I did mentioned to you that I have degrees in social science and I am actually specialized so more schooling… in Sociology I have a Master Degree and a BA in Psychology with options for behavior studies, not it’s all fine… my social title if I’d care about it is Prof. Jake and Doctor Jake because I also have an Honoris Causa in social science, but hey want the best of it all? What do you think my job is? I’ll tell you so you don’t have to go to my profile to find out lol. I am a system engineer, I work with computer, network component, web development and IT project management. Did I study for those… Hell no I even refused to do any certifications whether it was a Microsoft, Cisco or other IT based certificates because Computer for me is a passion that I wanted to work with… but even though I did all those years in school to become a sociologist and psychologist at the end of my school I took another way… I took the way that I really wanted… but do I regret my degrees… absolutely not… in fact it helped me understand in what world we’re living in and also which place I wanted to take in that world.

Your future isn’t written in advance… so don’t worry too much about it… do make plan but do not completely stick to it because the wind of life can blow on your castle built with playing cards and make them all collapse… give yourself some options. My dad was a doctor, a pediatrician, he was a very good one too, but someday something happened in the city where we lived and few kids were conducted to the hospital where he worked, and although he was able to save most of the kid… there’s one that he couldn’t. And the family so sad they were have tried to find the cause of death and blame the hospital, my dad and never tried to understand that the impossible was made to save their kids but a doctor isn’t god (if he exist – which I don’t believe and we’ll get to that later – lol yes I am one of those atheist.) We understood the pain the family had but they wanted a responsible and they sued my dad as well on the ground that he was incompetent, although the college did back him up… because for years my dad has proven his competency as a general doctor and as a pediatrician volunteering for “doctor without borders” for more than a decade and I did followed him on its missions for 8 years (that’s where my Honoris Causa comes from). So NO way my dad isn’t incompetent. But it did touch him and my dad quit the profession, a profession he loved and did for over 30 years. Afterward he became a Salesman which he succeed there too as he really is a people person and have good interaction with them… but after working few years for the same company there was a downsizing and my dad was among the numbers. Now he was a little too old to go back in medicine field and frankly he didn’t want to… so my dad who use to have a huge 120k per year in 1985 end up working as a security guard for mining companies for another 6 or 8 years at $16/hour (I was making almost twice his hourly rate) and bang it hit again, he was fired and now he’s back as a sales person but due to its experience in the field the new company hired him as a director of marketing. Did my dad study marketing... NO he was just a natural at it. And so far it’s going well, it’s a small yet very well managed company… not too big not too small and just enough to form the family like enterprise that my dad always loved. And they love him in there and Dad is one of those guys who’ll die behind his desk if he likes what he’s doing and he does.

You’re future isn’t written in advance… you just read the true story of someone very close to me that was acclaimed by the UN for his wonderful field work and yet been almost forgotten.

[Jake]

Finally, I'm so scared to find a relationship. I'm so horny all the time (partly due to my porn addiction problem, I'm handling it right now by fasting), but I don't believe in hook up, but to find a guy to start a LTR is next to impossible here in my country, everybody just want one night stand and have nothing to do with each other, or so I believe. The best I could see is you becoming a married man's mistress.

Well it seems to me that in your country you’re not the only one who is scared of relationship. In fact none of you would be scared of a relationship if it wasn’t for the fact that homosexuality is a deadly sin in your country. And you can’t just go meeting someone and talk about Long term relationship right from the start. Even in a heterosexual setting it’s something you wouldn’t do so it’s pretty much the same in a gay setting. I’ve met my husband he was 19 and I was 29 and he was also looking a lot into long term relationship but in its age range most guys were much more into having a friend with benefits than commit to LTR and that’s quite normal, at 19 although I said I wanted LTR… honestly that’s not what I wanted at all… I wanted sex and I had a lot of it too with both girls and guys. And don’t go fucking up somebody else couple by fucking around with her husband… do you believe it is fair for her?

One thing I did for my husband when I met him… we went for a very open relationship first… I knew he needed to experiment and we had quite few sexual experience and to me it was simple, we set the rules and yes he was allowed to go suck somebody else, but if ever love was developing between him and another guy I wanted him to tell me. This level of trust that I implanted with him worked fine in my case (yes I was lucky) because he never wanted to be alone with another guy… I had to be there or it was a no deal and one of the rule is that nobody else than I was allowed to penetrate him unless we were both okay with it. And same was with me.

I'm scared of the intimacy, and the willing to compromise, and the time needed to spare. While the thought is wonderful, but how could I ever find a partner if I'm even having a hard time to make friend? Not to mention I'm fat. Although my look is nice to look at, from others' opinion, I'm not particularly charming. I think this is a result of me being shallow, which is why I'm also being shallow to myself.

You’re not charming because of all the negativity about yourself, you hate yourself, you don’t want to be judge but yet you’re the worst judge about yourself ever. You definitely should try to gain more respect about you. Being fat never stopped to guys to meet… I’ve seen fat and happy gay couple, fat and happy hetero couple… one fat and one skinny… not everyone is about physical appearances. Yet you want cake, sundae, cherry on top, but you don’t want to do anything to alleviate yourself and make yourself more presentable to others mentally and physically. So who’s fault? And who can fix it for you? Not me, not us (the forum), the only person that can do something about it is YOU and that start with a little self-confidence, patience and a very good kick in the curb.

Also I've read in this forum about not having to do anal sex but you could still have a good sex? First, I think I have minor hemorrhoid, it could be cause I always wash myself down there by using my middle finger, in a way, I finger-fuck myself all my life? LOL. I just can't stand the thought of having some left over down there. Second, my religion don't allow anal sex, even among hetero couples, so I really don't have the option, do I?

Well it seems that you have the magical idea that being gay automatically means that you need to go anal. Your whole body is an erogenous platform… Alex (my husband) per example I can make him go nuts and cum hands free by playing with his ears… he is very sexually aroused by that. Yes we do anal perhaps once in a week or twice and it always depends on how we feel, but quite often we do not, I can pass 30, 45, 2hours playing with all parts of his beautiful body end we’ll end it by mutual masturbation and what is important there is to keep it going… I believe the longer we had fool around and edging both of us was for 8 hours… no the kids were not home lol (yes we have kids)… and you know what we went to sleep without feeling the need to ejaculate and in the morning we were at it again but for less than 20 minutes and we both painted the wall with our juice. Sex is a game…that can be played alone, with two or more persons and it doesn’t always have to end with ejaculation or penetration. When I was with girls I’d do the very same thing for me my real pleasure and how I get pleasure it’s not to savagely pound someone’s ass (not that I don’t like it) but there’s so many other places to discover on a body; some people is feet, neck, hairs, tea back, deep throating, toys, electric shock, hot wax, nipple play, water sports. Me per example I prefer to be rimmed much more than being penetrated. Alex and I both have our Fleshlight and trust me there’s nothing more phone than tying him to the bed and test his stamina with a fleshlight with studs inside the sleeve. You will not find what you truly like unless you remove that invisible stick that YOU stacked up your ass yourself by being highly selective.

Anyway, I've heard this 'there's another way to enjoy sex without anal sex', but I've never actually hear any particular example or case by others. Also, by not being able to have anal sex, I think I have narrowed my potential partner to a very select few next to none.

I just told you the other ways in the quote above… sex is a game where you can change the rules… there’s no winner, no losers only satisfied parties if you have learned to read satisfaction from your partner. That’s why you definitely need to learn to communicate what you like to your partner… not us (it won’t do anything to us if you tell us). Communication is the key to many issues, even the international wars between two countries could be avoided or at least less bloody if human beings had learned to properly communicate. There’s no reason for anyone to say they have no means of communication today, unless you’ve been living away from civilization deep in the wood sucking on squirrel’s nuts and fucking wapitis (I say wapitis because they have a very short tail and offer their assholes to the view of every other animals, including humans that are into wapitis LOL).

Porn, of course porn have influence a lot of people and too many believed that it’s how it should be… oh yeah let’s watch Brent Corrigan showing us how to put a condom… because it’s Brent Corrigan’s doing it, it must be the way (it really doesn’t take a PhD in sexology to learn how to do it – yet I know some people are clueless so thanks Professor Sean)… or hey look at this other dude… Kyle Moss he’s getting it deep and moans so much it must be that to have sex and enjoying sex. DUDE those are fantasy, it’s not real, I’m waiting to see a porn which will show real things and that’s one of the reason that I barely watch porn… first because my husband is by my side and if I want sex I know where to place my hand… but I do not believe in the very fake chemistry there is in porn and I do not adulate these guys and turn them into gods of sex… there penis is not better than mine and because I’m quite acrobatic I could teach a things or two to those so called sex professional. Porn isn’t real period and yes most porn suggest that as a gay you definitely have to either get penetrated or penetrate and you’d be surprise how many gays aren’t into anal sex at all and that is from all age.

Porn is fantasy period and what they do in front of camera isn’t much different than what I do with my husband in the vicinity our room… than of course they go congratulate themselves for having sex at the AVN Award… congratulations… II can shove a full 12 inches dildo up my ass I did not receive any award for it lol and I don’t want one.

Oh,did I mention that I need to get married in order to do sex in the first place? According to my belief of course. Who would want to wait that long to have sex in gay community? Obviously one-month-no-sex rule has already filtered out many shallow guys in the process,but need-to-marry-to-have-sex rule sounds like filtering the whole world. Unless of course the guy is of my religion.

See I don’t want to kill your beliefs but it seems to me that you keep on giving and putting yourself barriers. That NO SEX before wedding isn’t part of the gay persona so you can be gay and still believe but you’ll have to learn to be less radical. Honestly you won’t make it in the gay world if that’s what you want to do. Even the guy that is in your religion and which has gay tendencies will not honor that rule and you know it. So basically what you’re doing is looking for solutions and bang you immediately applied a lock on it. Sorry to tell you but by being gay/bisex call yourself the way you want, you already have walked on the most important rule of your religious beliefs… you should not have any thoughts of gay sex, you should not consider having gay sex, you should not enjoy the view of naked man body and have sexual thoughts about it, YOU SHOULD NOT ENTER A FINGER UP YOUR ASS no matter your reasons for doing it. Yet YOU’RE DOING IT isn’t that a little hypocritical?

Just a parenthesis about your finger up your ass… the colon is your natural evacuation conduct for human waste… you can stick up and scratch the shit you got there as much as you want but here’s some biological facts for you:

The large intestine comes after the small intestine in the digestive tract and measures approximately 1.5 meters in length in adult humans. There are differences in the large intestine between different organisms. The large intestine is mainly responsible for storing waste, reclaiming water, maintaining the water balance, absorbing some vitamins, such as vitamin K, and providing a location for flora-aided fermentation.
By the time the chyme has reached this tube, most nutrients and 90% of the water have been absorbed by the body. At this point some electrolytes like sodium, magnesium, and chloride are left as well as indigestible parts of ingested food (e.g., a large part of ingested amylose, starch which has been shielded from digestion heretofore, and dietary fiber, which is largely indigestible carbohydrate in either soluble or insoluble form). As the chyme moves through the large intestine, most of the remaining water is removed, while the chyme is mixed with mucus and bacteria (known as gut flora), and becomes feces. The ascending colon receives fecal material as a liquid. The muscles of the colon then move the watery waste material forward and slowly absorb all the excess water. The stools gradually solidify as they move along into the descending colon. The bacteria break down some of the fiber for their own nourishment and create acetate, propionate, and butyrate as waste products, which in turn are used by the cell lining of the colon for nourishment. No protein is made available. In humans, perhaps 10% of the undigested carbohydrate thus becomes available; in other animals, including other apes and primates, who have proportionally larger colons, more is made available, thus permitting a higher portion of plant material in the diet. This is an example of a symbiotic relationship and provides about one hundred calories a day to the body. The large intestine produces no digestive enzymes -— chemical digestion is completed in the small intestine before the chyme reaches the large intestine.

Now if you go on the net or on Wikipedia where I’ve got that information and checked it against my husband’s medical books, you just learned about the function of the colon… your finger is about what 3 or 4 inches long right? And you really believe that this little scratching you do will remove everything that is stocked in there? No it won’t you still has something way up the canal that makes it way down to your anus. You want to properly clean your ass… simple eat well (some fiber is the perfect natural way to clean your colon) and use enema for a deep wash clean… but don’t go crazy with that shit because you’d remove the natural oils that help for bowel movements and may complicate more than it does good. If you keep on scratching your colon those hemorrhoid than you keep on scratching will turn into something much more uglier and dangerous because don’t forget what comes out of there… it’s highly concentrated in bacteria and keeping an open wound there will cause more harm than having some little shit pieces stocked in your ass.

Knowing all these about me, will you still date me? (It's part rhetorical, part actual question)

And here is a part rhetorical and actual answer lol “NO, I would not”. It’s not because you’re fat, it’s not because your shallow (well perhaps a bit) it’s because of the very and highly negative perception you have of yourself… your lack of interest for yourself, your highly narcissistic philosophy and the constant barrier you put to yourself.
Nobody said that you have to stop believing in your god or following your religion… but knowing how contradictory you are to your religion and to your own REAL desire (YOU’RE GAY) but you want to keep the options open by saying that you’re bisexual… don’t get me wrong I am bisexual too but I define myself as a gay man… you give me a choice between a pole or the cavity; I immediately choose the pole and if I choose the cavity I’d go for the cavity behind the pole lol before going on the cavities from a woman. I do find women attractive and I am too sexually attracted to them… but a guy will win me over anytime and although it took me a long time to realize and accept I do now and I feel so much better.

I was religious once… most atheists were by the way… and unlike being gay, bisexual or transsexual you have the choice. You don’t have to remain in a gay hating country… you can always move you know. I know you’d say it’s not that easy. Well yeah it’s that easy… if Canada, where I live was as much homophobic as where you live, I’d finish my school and I’d fucking move a way and continue my life elsewhere. For me as an Atheist there’s no afterlife, god is a figment of the imagination of billions of people in my book the life I have now… the person I am now is Jake… when Jake’s gone, he’s gone and will leave on among the livings memory that’s it. So I try to make my life the most beautiful I can and that start by being myself, accepting myself, love myself and others and help other to figure out who they are they need help and are ready to embark in the journey to discover a whole new person they may have never met even when looking at their reflect in the mirror.

That person is YOU.

[starbelly]

I hear you, OP. I sometimes feel inferior to my peers too, and I know for a fact that I have insecurity issues; I don't feel confident in myself even if at times I know subconsciously that I should. The only thing that you can do about the problems you're having is try and chip away at them one day at at a time. If the weight thing is an issue, change it. It's doable. I lost over fifty pounds in six months just by changing WHAT and how often I ate; I didn't even work out. Oddly enough though, I'm thinner than I've ever been and am MAYBE 10 pounds overweight still, if that, and I still don't feel confident about myself. Perhaps it's because I've struggled with my weight for most of my life and that's just still residual, or maybe it's because confidence is really an inner thing and losing all the weight you wanted to won't really boost it. I still find things that are "wrong" with me, but I'm trying to work on my thought patterns. Do you have a faith? I know that sounds sort of silly, but it does help. I'm a Buddhist and I know that doing my chanting really does help me sort through the maze that is life. I'm the kind of person who needs a support system or semi-routine or I will literally go off the rails.

[Anonymous]

If motivation is a problem, hire a personal trainer - a cute one, preferably

Good idea,although that'll cost me a fortune as a student.

Perhaps it's because I've struggled with my weight for most of my life and that's just still residual, or maybe it's because confidence is really an inner thing and losing all the weight you wanted to won't really boost it.

That's a bit sad. =/

Do you have a faith? I know that sounds sort of silly, but it does help. I'm a Buddhist and I know that doing my chanting really does help me sort through the maze that is life. I'm the kind of person who needs a support system or semi-routine or I will literally go off the rails.

Obviously you didn't read my final point but that's okay,I don't expect many to reach there.

It does sound silly in this forum full of atheist and agnostic,right? Haha. Yes,I do have faith,and I do meditate myself by praying and chanting to get through some of the hardest time of my life. We all need a support system,be it religion or something else.

Thanks for the reply,I wish Andy would just close this thread cause it's full of embarrassing info of myself. >.<

[starbelly]

Good idea,although that'll cost me a fortune as a student.



That's a bit sad. =/



Obviously you didn't read my final point but that's okay,I don't expect many to reach there.

It does sound silly in this forum full of atheist and agnostic,right? Haha. Yes,I do have faith,and I do meditate myself by praying and chanting to get through some of the hardest time of my life. We all need a support system,be it religion or something else.

Thanks for the reply,I wish Andy would just close this thread cause it's full of embarrassing info of myself. >.<

Sorry dude, yeah, I missed the last of it. I hope you've gotten some reconciliation with your faith, that's terribly important if you have one. A lot of people on here seem not to have any sort of faiths, which I guess is understandable considering Christianity is the dominant faith of the Western world and a great portion of it shuns homosexuality, but I'm surprised more gay men don't pursue some other sort of spiritual path. I swear mine is just about the only thing that keeps me from going off the rails sometimes.

[sillyboy86]

I AM the inferiority complex... It depends on your ambitions, maybe you're only not satisfied by human mediocrity.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm fat, I'm lazy, I hate to sweat...

These are things you can change:

People don't like me, judged as drag queen or even trans... Things you can't change.

With the things you can change - well list them and somebody is bound to have advice.

With the things you can't change - accept it with peace.

You can't change other people, can't change what they think of you, can't change what they want to say at you/to you.

You can change your behaviors, your words, your feelings.

As for the whole 'I select good looking people' then you fall in love with them, if you are fat chances are pretty damn high they have no interest in you 'that way'.

Hemorrhoids. I don't know when this started, but I distinctly recall that hemorrhoids were an 'old persons' complaint back when I was a kid. I don't know when it happened, but no suddenly it seems like everyone is complaining of hemorrhoids.

It is associated with piss poor diets? I don't know. I seriously doubt sticking a finger up your butt occasionally will result in hemorrhoids. There has to be straining to cause those to happen.

Eat more vegetables and fruit - aim for 6 servings of that a day. I bet it will do two things - 1. help clear up that hemorrhoid (because your BM will be soft, and you won't be straining) 2. help you to lose weight (fat).

Eat six meals a day instead of three. No not 6 large meals, take breakfast and divide it by two, and lunch by two and supper by two, now have a half meal or snack between breakfast and lunch, between lunch and dinner and about an hour before bed.

If you are doing 6 servings (at least) of fruit or veg - well have one of those per meal.

I eat a very low meat diet, and low grain diet. I was able to maintain a relatively low weight for decades - before I just gave up on eating that is - now I'm on the lean side - ok too thin - so shoot me.

How much exercise? Well start parking your car as far from the door of the store, the office where you work, or school and walk. Granted its not a major exercise, but its more exercise in your daily routine. Take a flight of stairs over the lift/elevator or the escalator.

I don't just vacuum the floor or sweep the floor - I dance with the tool as I do the floor (same with mopping, though I do prefer to get on my knees and scrub the floor - only way to make certain its clean). Take an after dinner walk around the block, etc.

Shopping at a store, go up and down each and every aisle, starting from the produce section (where you are loading up on you6 six servings of veg and fruit) go through the bread aisle, the canned good aisle, the baby diaper aisle (you can look - it won't kill you) the Fem Hygiene Aisle (yeah I know, the point of this exercise is not to buy stuff, its to exercise). Stop, read labels get an idea of what has been loaded with extra sugar and added fat - get the reduced fat and no sugar added stuff (tons of calories are tied into that crap - empty calories).

Frozen Corn is better than canned corn. Why? Because Frozen Corn does not have sugar added (For flavor). Canned corn does. Ergo the label 'sweet corn' meaning its been loaded down with extra calories you don't need or want.

Don't know how to cook, well get a kitchen, a pot and a pan and then go to You-Tube. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_q...ow+to+cook how to Cook. Walla. Educate yourself on how to cook.

Extra Bonus homework - go find yourself some ugly friends. This whole buddying up with pretty people knowing you are going to fall in love with them is creepy. Stop being creepy. No one likes creepy.

Find a few ugly people who will be your friends first and foremost. This way you stop the whole 'attracted to by friend' thing and actually build a friendship.