Matters of my Heart - I'm Lost - Very Long Post!!!

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Okay, this is my first posting as I had no clue where to go to or who to talk to. Be warned this will be very lengthy, maybe I just need to vent it out, but those whom read and give advice I greatly appreciate it.

I'm a 30yo gay male who lives in a rather conservative part of VA. Not so much as lynch mobs and all, more just deeply rooted beliefs and religion, but it's rather live and let live. I did not come out to anyone until I was 27 so a late bloomer. First was my best friend, then my mom and another 3 years later, recently to my dad. All were very good and positive, they love me the same and just want me to be happy, so I'm quite fortunate there. I've worked the same job for over the past 10 years in my home town, and recently have went back to college to finish my B.S. degree, as I want to find something else to have a better life for me. I've always worked hard, consider myself a good guy, and I'm there for everyone who needs me, or try my best to be. I've always had a good head on my shoulders as being a Type 1 diabetic all my life I've had to be disciplined. My strong suit is I'm a good listener and can solve other peoples problems, as I'm a thinker by nature, however I'm really struggling with my own.

Since coming out I've yet to have an actual relationship with anyone. I've put myself out there but I suppose either living in a rural area that there really isn't a big dating scene. There are the more "seedy" sites and apps like A4A, Grindr, etc. but that's just not me, I'm sure you can find something meaningful on them, but I've always encountered people that want sex and that's about it. So being full of heart and knowing from the beginning what values I hold and what I want, makes seeing that dis-heartening. I've "fallen" in love before and think that things were great, but turns out I'm more of a "stepping stone" for that person, and that nobody wants to try and "fight" for anything (separate story in that reference, but basically we liked one another, but since he didn't "know" what he wanted in his life I turned out to be collateral damage). So my luck in finding someone has not been great, and even though I'm growing my career and completing my education, I'm still missing that human bond and connection with someone.

So, here is my problem. A guy that I work with who is 22, so 8 year difference, has confided in me a while back and we have became very close. I pretty much knew he was gay just based on conversations and what he was going through. I feel great that he opened up to me, as I've been able to help him with coming out and dealing with being gay, as he was raised deeply religious. He still holds his religious values and wants to lead his life as close to God as possible, and I admire that. He has accepted being gay and knows God loves him all the same, as I've repeatedly told him all those things and that God wants us to love one another, etc. We have pretty much everything in common, same principles and values, what we want in life, etc. We make each other laugh, I'm always there for him and he is for me, we enjoy hiking together and just spending time together, and we are both attracted physically to one another. So for me he is everything that I ever wanted and what I seek in a partner. I feel I can fully trust him (which is rare it seems for gay or straight relationships). We did end up being together a few times, kissing, oral but not full on sex yet. Of course we are having to keep this under wraps as we work together, and also because no one at work knows either of us are gay. I don't disclose to work because for one it doesn't define me professionally, and second they are just.....well......it would go over to great.

So I was taking a vacation soon, and invited him to join me so he could escape all the pressure he feels being around his religious family and others. However he said he probably wouldn't because he wouldn't be able to "control" himself with me when we are staying at the hotel together etc. and that he wants to try and control that as much as he can, because he doesn't want to let his lust control him and want's it to mean something. So I completely get what he is saying, however at the same time it did hurt me because it made me feel like what we have done did not mean anything. I assured him that it meant something for me, and that I'm not the type of guy to just "do" something based on my lust, etc. So he apologized stating he didn't mean it like that, he was just mentally stressed because he was dealing with issues on his roommate (whom is straight, and he considers him a brother, but the roommate told him he didn't consider him as one.) therefore he feels like because he is gay that no straight guy would ever accept him. I tried telling him that it has less to do with the orientation and more to do with the persons attitude, because I have plenty of straight friends and they are totally fine.

His problem is he lets things like that get into his head too much and dictate his own life on how he should feel. I know "most" guys would not put up with something like this, or with someone who does not know what they want. However I just believe in him, and us, so much that I can't let him falter like this, nor do I want to loose him as I can admit I'm in love with him. He's told me that he doesn't want to loose me either, and always thanks me for walking him through all this. He even researched diabetes because he grew up so sheltered he wanted to know more about it, which for me that meant a lot. Because here is someone who is taking time to learn about a part of me so that they know. Believe me, I've encountered guys when I disclose my condition they either look at me like I have horns, or look at me with pity and all because I can't booze it up they think I wouldn't be someone fun, etc. So yeah, that meant a lot. But he also makes comments about me being diabetic and that he wanted to know life expectancy because he did not want me dying first and all if we would ever marry. Which dear reader, I'm perfectly healthy, active and everything under control, so I'm not ill or don't pay attention lol.

We both want kids and just the whole "American dream" type of thing. He always comments that my different quirks makes him smile, he likes when I'm near, he gets "excited" when I'm close, touch, etc. And I feel all these things for him as well. And I'm not saying that because we aren't sexual anymore at the moment, means that's my issue. I totally respect him and told him that, and that I'm not that type of guy, and I would wait for him, etc. But my issue is I'm so in love with him I'm just seeking the return validation I suppose? He says he doesn't know where his life will be, and he doesn't want to stay here, which my response was that I don't either, and the only reason I have not left is because nobody has given me reason yet. So it's almost like every excuse he has, I tell him how "we" can fix it or work around it. I've literally never cared so much for someone like I have him. But I'm afraid if I sit him down and express all this he will shy away and that will be it. I dont' know what's worse, going through this strain on my heart, or being "just friends"? I"m just so confused and feel lost.

So I don't know if I"m chasing a lost cause, because being I'm 8 years older? Is it because I'm his "first" guy he's equally attracted to on physical, mental, emotional levels? Maybe he just wants to run from the area and his family and doesn't want me with him? I just don't know where his head is at with me, and it's very hard for me to be supportive but at the same time not allow myself to express everything. I know he has to see we are "perfect" together and a good match. I'm just tired of searching and I'm ready to find the "one" and settle and build a life together. I'm the type who fights for what he believes in and when I believe in something it's not a quick moment in time, but a lifetime. I know there may be bad things, like us working together, the age difference of 8 years, and maybe his un-accepting religious family, versus my accepting family ( which I told him that sometimes we have to make our own families). I'm just tired of having a constant knot in my stomach worrying about finding this validation from him.

I'm sorry all for this length and craziness, but just had to get it out, and I'm sure I've missed things. I appreciate the help or people who read.