Hard time trusting guys. Need advice.

[ZahofCalif]

I have been single for almost four years now. I've been on dates with a few guys but it never goes anywhere. I'm having a hard time trusting anyone at this point due to past relationships. I know all guys aren't the same and i shouldn't treat them as such but I only seem to attract horny guys or liars. Is it me?

[Pix]

It may be you, especially if you're passive. Many casual liars who want to use you and lose you need to find people to use & lose, and that means aggressively seeking "fresh meat." As he has a specific goal in mind and has studied his prey he knows how to put himself out there, say the things his prey WANTS to hear (and it's well known that if someone WANTS to hear it then they'll likely believe it no matter how absurd it is, otherwise con-artists and politicians wouldn't be anywhere as prevalent). He doesn't care about your feelings so he doesn't care that his lies will be exposed, and if he's lucky then he'll be done with you before you even lift the tail of the bull and face the facts for yourself.

Why do so many women and gay men fall for this type? The best I can tell is that not only are these bad apples who use & lose are so dedicated to their "game" but that their victims want men to "come to them," like a pretty flower that draws in the bees...but it doesn't work like that, if you're going to wait to be chosen instead of going out to choose then most (if not all) times you get chosen it will be by a lying manipulator with "game."

The guys who are more down to earth, honest, wholesome don't go out of their way to tell you what you want to hear just to get in your pants, they don't harass you (and even their flirting tends to be subtle enough to be overlooked), they don't spend a lot of time on their image to make themselves look a lot better than they are, and as a result those desirable guys aren't going to snatch you up as the liars will, and adding to it is that the liars often know how to come off as more exciting, too (so that many people would foolishly choose the exciting rake over the guy next door and then wonder why they got burned).

[Bowyn Aerrow]

ZahofCalif,

First, Welcome to Gayspeak.

No sir, it is not only you. I fear there is a lot of players out there, guys who are looking to score another booty call or to add one more notch in their belt.

I devised the 30 day no sex policy as a means to separate the wheat from the chaff. I make it clear that there will be a snowballs chance in hell that a potential mate will get in my pants the first month we are 'dating'. That usually sends a majority of the ones looking for 'just sex' scurrying back to their rat's nests.

During the course of that 30 day period, conventional dates should reveal more about the guy and his intent. Those few 'conquers', guys who have a serious desire to add you to their list of 'I did that' will tip their hand in subtle ways.

There are some - rarer cases - that are real good and can keep up the act. So a few can get through.

If you are meeting guys through bars, clubs, Grind'r then that may be the problem. Nice guys, guys who want serious relationships usually give up on these scenes because they, like you, discover a world of sex-junkies who are all about the hook-up and not about substance.

So where do you go to find men? The library, work, AA meetings (If your not an alcoholic then that mayn't work for you) , the grocery store.... All of those natural places that people tend to go to in their life to do other things - there are men out in those places, some of which are single and gay and most likely will like what they see (you) and most likely are more sincere.

I understand that LGBT centers are 'safer' places to go to to meet quality LGBT. IDK, these are a relatively new invention and their isn't one in my local area.

Betrayal of trust is a serious matter and it does thing to the person who has been betrayed. I'm sorry to say that you will carry all of that distrust and other emotions for a very long time. The best you can do is try to turn it around and use it as a tool to sift through people you meet and hang with to remove the chaff from the wheat.

If it is serious enough of an issue, I would suggest therapy to isolate the root cause(s) and to figure out ways to work with it, and get your own personalized set of tools to deal with it in a manner that causes less harm.

[pellaz]

figure who you are dating
and
who you are just having a good time with.

do you want a relationship?

[ZahofCalif]

Thanks for the insight guys.
Pellaz, yes i do want a relationship.

[ardus]

Relationships, hmmmm, such a thing. I'm one of those guys who sees a lot of guys he meets online. The way I look at is it is that i want to meet people. Normally

I recently met someone who wasnot normal, at least according to the normalstandard. No sexual questions at alll. We just had our first date. It was nice.

We had dinner and went for a walk in the park. It was really nice. We kissed at the end.
It was a quick kiss goodbye.

It was GREAT. I loved our date.

Richard