Hi guys,
I'm 22 and have dated before but never really had any meaningful relationship. A few weeks ago I met this guy at a bar, went back to his house and we have really hit it off. (He's 41, I've always been attracted to older men) We text constantly and I've stayed over at his several times, just spent the whole weekend with him and I think I may be falling in love for the first time BUT my problem is that he lives with his ex-boyfriend. He says they were going out for 4 years then broke up 3 years ago and never moved out, apart from a few one-night-stands I am the first person he has been with since then, I am the first person he has brought back to the house when the ex has been there. The ex hasn't been with anyone since they broke up but has gone on a date with a long-term crush since I started seeing this guy. I have met the ex in the house and have got on with him, he seems like a nice guy though with obvious emotional issues. I do believe that they are just platonic but for example the guy only invited me to spend the weekend with him because the ex wasn't going to be there, he asks the ex's permission before he asks me to stay over and then yesterday he was supposed to come see me off at the bus but stayed in the house instead because the ex's mother had gone into hospital and the ex and the ex's mother were coming to the house and he felt obliged to stay to play host to them. On Friday he met me in town as opposed to my coming out to his house straight away as the ex was still there at that stage. They are renting their house so they are choosing to stay living together, he says he would rather live with the ex as a friend than move in with a stranger. I have so little experience with relationships and think I am being blinded by the powerful emotions I am feeling for this man so would really appreciate an outsider's opinion on all this. Is this a situation I want to be getting involved in? I suppose really I need to talk to the guy himself about it.
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Sounds you're quite serious about this relationship. Do you think he feels the same as you do? if so, i think to level with him is the right thing to do. It seems his ex has become an important part of his life. Be their relationship platonic or not, it's good for him, not for you. Maybe it won't seem to matter at the beginning, but from the long run, i don't think it's rational to get into something where you constantly feel the need to compete with someone. Even if that someone is just a nice buddy he's got. Isn't feeling special the point of being in a relationship?
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you will never get rid of the X, just so you know
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Why is he still living with ex after they broke up. I for one wouldn't be able to do that. I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he's still there. Is he working can't he find a place off his own.
An eye for an eye
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I could have happily lived in the same house as my ex.
Problem was the landlord had this prissy rule about bodies under the floorboards!
Sheesh, some people!
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Run to the hills.
Fast.
Now!
Really, his mindset is "I'm better living with the ex, a relationship that for some reason failed, than with a new guy", he's 41 what about living alone?, wouldn't it be better to live alone so when he meets a new guy that he really likes he wouldn't be dragging all that baggage?, and it's totally ok to be friends with your ex but changing your plans all the time to accomodate him, and not seeing you to stay and play host for his ex mother in law, well, that's not the best beggining of a relationship, his and his exboyfriend lives are so intertwined you will never be able to tear them apart or have a healthy monogamous relationship with him, it will always be an unhealthy threesome and when it come to him deciding between you and helping "the ex" you will lose 90% of the time.
Now there are some veeery rare cases when the guy snaps of it and leaves his ex-partner, but this man doesn't seem remotely there at all, when you begin a new relationship you try to give it your utmost care because you care for the other guy, if at this state he's neglecting you for the ex, imagine what you can expect if it gets serious.
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This will be short and sweet.
If you told us he is 41 and after a four yr relationship they broke up LAST MONTH but they're still living together while he looks for another place to live...
In that case I would say, you could be in trouble because one month after a four yr relationship is too soon to feel comfortable with another person.
But in fact this has been three YEARS and he has no intention of moving out.
Forget about it. This is TROUBLE brewing.
He's old enough to realize this, but he's actually TAKING ADVANTAGE of your (excuse me) naivete' and inexperience to have his cake and eat it too.
Sorry to say it that way. Look for a better romantic partner. You deserve better.
Good luck.
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Thanks for the replies everyone, oh dear that's what I was afraid but I just keep trying to see a positive angle to it, I mean maybe it is possible for two ex people to just remain really close friends? I just feel so miserable about this, can't believe I've been played for a fool and how much I let my emotions blind my judgement
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Talk to him about it, it could probably be perfectly platonic. I lived with one of my exes for about 3-4 months before he found another place to stay, and it was perfectly normal. If anything we became closer as friends, because it was the first time we'd been in such close-quarters without the relationship being priority... so I can understand how he'd want to be there for his ex in his times of need. At the end of the day, they may be exes, but they're also just friends who share a house. They see each other every day, they know a lot about each other... they're bound to be close - but it doesn't necessarily mean you should be seeing red lights. Just converse with him on the topic and make sure the air is clear, you can see where you stand, how serious the relationship is, and what future implications their living arrangements may enforce.
But seriously, exes get far too much stigma. People usually break up for a reason, but that doesn't mean they have to stop being friends - and it doesn't mean they can't be around each other without having to ravage each other sexually every five minutes. I blame TV...
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kidchameleon Wrote:Talk to him about it, it could probably be perfectly platonic. I lived with one of my exes for about 3-4 months before he found another place to stay, and it was perfectly normal. If anything we became closer as friends, because it was the first time we'd been in such close-quarters without the relationship being priority... so I can understand how he'd want to be there for his ex in his times of need. At the end of the day, they may be exes, but they're also just friends who share a house. They see each other every day, they know a lot about each other... they're bound to be close - but it doesn't necessarily mean you should be seeing red lights. Just converse with him on the topic and make sure the air is clear, you can see where you stand, how serious the relationship is, and what future implications their living arrangements may enforce.
But seriously, exes get far too much stigma. People usually break up for a reason, but that doesn't mean they have to stop being friends - and it doesn't mean they can't be around each other without having to ravage each other sexually every five minutes. I blame TV...
3-4 months =/= 3 years, your ex still moved out by his own will, as op pointed here this dude is still making plans with the ex as in long therm, to keep living together, as I said on my previous post is totally okay to be friends with your ex, one thing is to be there when in need the other to relegate the new guy you're dating, is not the ex behavior the problem, it's the dude the op is dating, it seems to me that more than being over between them, they just decided to take a break.
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