So, in the category of things I really should have thought better of, I am living with the guy I'm in 'L' with...and his boyfriend. I know I'm smarter than this, but it's getting worse than I would have ever guessed.
So, I live in the biggest small town in the South. I kind of hate it here. I ended up staying here for so long because I wanted to be around for my dad when he was dealing with his declining health. He been gone for 5 years and there is no reason to stay anymore.
Back in 2011, someone new moved to my town. Someone who sparked my interest like crazy. The weird thing was, we had only encountered each other on Facebook. We both were social animals, each of us managing our own community events. When my plans didn't conflict with his, I always made an effort to get out to see him. We always missed each other. We idly flirted online here and there, but I calmed down. I reasoned I would meet this guy eventually. We had so much in common as far as outlook goes. We are both political, snarky, empathetic, and hotheaded. (Broad strokes. The point is, I wasn't a stalker. Really.)
Let me step back and talk about myself for a minute. I DON'T have feelings for guys. I almost NEVER want to pursue a guy. I'm fairly self-aware, talented, creative, funny, and pretty easy on the eyes. I see no point in pursuing something unless there is going to be some return on investment. So, to meet someone who digitally sets me off intellectually is just insane. I can count on one hand the times I've felt this way and the last time was around 1999.
SO, fast forward to the summer of 2012. I am going to a masquerade for the LGBT community. I'm hanging out with two good friends, trying to avoid the eyes of exes and catch the eyes of the solitary wanderers. I'm just realizing how boring this event is when I turn and look up the staircase. MY guy is walking down the stairs, like some totally butch Scarlett O'Hara, and his eyes are locked on me. I ask his name, though I know who he is. He says mine in return. We bask in each other's glow for a hot minute and then he introduces me to his new boyfriend. My friends grab the boyfriend and chat with him, while my crush and I stand and continue to talk. Inside my head, I am cursing our timing. Cursing this young upstart who got a crack at the guy before I did. Cursing ever having feelings. We chat as long as possible before the other three are totally bored and ready to return to a party. We realize there is no continuing this conversation, not here, not now. Maybe not ever.
So we actually know each other now. I hang out with him and his boyfriend and find that I can't bring myself to resent the boyfriend. He's a good guy, smart, handsome, other stuff too, I suppose. I choose to behave like a mature adult. I tuck my feelings into a soft velvet lined casket and bury them deep in the dark recesses of my mind. I reason, it's always better to have two friends, than the possible alternatives of no friends.
My guy lost his mom soon after that. Due to finances and life, he wasn't able to hold the funeral for her until May of this year. I house sat for the boys at this time. At the time, I was in a living situation that was more misery than stability. I had been telling them I was on the look out for a new place to live in a few months. They told me they'd listen out. MY guy also told me that they had had roommates before, but it wasn't a good situation. Flash forward one week, they call from the Denver Airport and ask if I want to live with them. I play stupid, remind them of their 'no roommate' rule, and tell them to think about. They confirm the next day, they want me to move in. So I do.
Before I do, I figure it's a good idea to start some therapy. No sense in putting myself in a crazy situation without an emotional life raft, right?
Well, since I've been there, they've broken up a handful of times. Things have been said that can't be unsaid. It looks like these boys love each other, but are incompatible. There is a 14 years age difference and on them, it shows. It is the source of their unhappiness with each other.
My guy is spending scads of time chatting with me. The boyfriend is unhappy about that. I have tried to sooth the troubles on the home front, cooking and cleaning. I have turned the fridge from a bachelor fridge to a family fridge, which foods and things. I go above and beyond on the trying to make things nice. The boyfriend is obviously jealous of me. I talk to my therapist about this; he tells me that it is up to the couple to lay out the boundaries of their own relationship, not me.
After the most recent break-up, my guy announces he's moving out of state. He wants me to stay and live in his house until he comes back. He wants the boyfriend to move out one day, then he wants me to stay here with the boyfriend the next day. I am REALLY unsure about this scenario, on many fronts, but mainly the boyfriend doesn't like me. That's a problem.
Around this time, I realize that the zombified feelings I had for dude have risen from the depths of my mind, out for blood. I'm finding myself in a weird bubble of conflict. I want the m to stop fighting, but maybe I don't? Maybe I want this to end because I hear how unhappy there are and see they won't solve this problem. There is a part of me that want s to punch the boyfriend in his mouf, because he doesn't get it. There is a part of me, growing larger by the day that wants to put my arms around my guy until the shit storm stops. They are sporadically sleeping in separate bedrooms from this points forward.
One morning, the boyfriend catches both my guy and myself coming out of our own separate bedrooms. This unleashes hell. I pee and stumble back to bed and hear "I know what's going on!" followed by accusations about my guy and I's secret affair. The boyfriend arrived at this conclusion after much prompting from his friends. I sigh and realize that our world has changed and it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
Over the next few days, the guy I desire asks me four times if there is any truth to what the boyfriend said. When I realized I could no longer evade the question, I told the truth. I let my guy know I had the feelers for him and that I should have never moved in. He told me that he pretty much felt the same at one point, but the boyfriend and timing changed the picture. He kind of validated my feelings. He later told the boyfriend what I had told him and I had tried to make nice with the boyfriend, knowing this is humiliating for both he and I. I explain to him I'm not a home wrecker. He agrees, recognizing the stuff I do around the house and my refusal to take sides in their fights. I joked with them, that this is what the guy who's face I want to kiss really wants, to leave two guys infatuated with him back in his home, pining over him and lighting candles to his misery.
I'm realizing that my feelings have developed into a monster I'm no longer in control of. I should have never been honest. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I can't stay there with the boyfriend, that is a terrible idea. I know that my guy wants the boyfriend to be snapped up by a good guy. But then I'm on the fence wondering if I'm should wait for the timing to be better for guy and myself. Or finally, should I just move, putting this all behind me?
I don't really do drama. I'm way out of my league here. I'm not stupid, but I am tenacious. It's so hard to meet kindred spirits, especially kindred spirits with sexual chemistry at me and my guys age. Should I fight for something that may leave me miserable, but might offer a few shining moments of happiness? Guy and I, he'll admit this, are so compatible it can be scary. He tells me that I am able to redirect his rants and I know that he's able to temper my tendency to be bossy. We are a force to be reckoned with when you get us going about a social issue. This is a drop in the bucket of things that spook me about this guy and yet still get my heart racing. If you have sparks like that, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to find out if you are right or not?
Last night, as I heard them fighting, (I usually pop in my iPod, but I was cornered in a room last night.) my name came up. I was used as a prop in their argument. Not the first time, I'm sure, but the first time I've heard it. The boyfriend was sneering at how I'm 'in love' with my guy. I realized that he was right. I have fallen in love with someone I've never even touched! I call shenanigans, on myself! I also realized that no one cares about my feelings in this situation. They don't seem to be aware that I am a real person suddenly. Maybe they are caught up in their fights, but I marvel that I cook and clean, and I'm the punch line, problem, and solution to their relationship issues. Never mind that they were fighting before I arrived on the scene. I'm angry, and hurt. I'm humiliated. I'm a mess.
What should I do, please? Should I have patience, which is what all of the fortune cookies I've had in the last two months have said. Should I start looking for a place to move? Should I hope for the best and expect the worse?
Please be kind, if offering your thoughts. My heart is sore. Therapy is not until tomorrow, so I've been flailing in the dark on this one.
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