Ive known this person for about three years now and we both have a lot of things in common. Hes a bisexual and has a girlfriend which I thought was great. Last winter, she was at his place for about two weeks or so and he was put through hell. He complained to me constantly about her there and he felt unhappy.
I for one have some physical issues but I still do everything that a normal human being can do. She was a victim of domestic abuse and still is, she is in her mid 20s. Me and my friend tried to get her motivated and It just doesn't work. This frustrates me at times when they argue.
I stayed at my friend's house for about a week a few months ago and it was pretty much one of the best weeks of my life. We did everything together and I never seen him that happy. He and his GF were having problems and someone encouraged me to tell him how i felt. I told him how i felt about him and he said "I'm already in a relationship, and I can't date my best friend"
I find him questionable because she has told me things that he sent during arguments. He said things like..
"He is better for me." "Im tired of you being a lazy cunt" and other things that I don't know he said, Yet, he wants to be "Just Friends"
Other people have told me that I would be better for him. He admitted that he likes to talk to me more cause im not depressing like she is. One person said that "He should dump her, its not healthy" Everyone, even his friends, think they should leave each other.
Time is going on and I'm getting impatient. I know he has feelings towards me because of the way he acts around me and the way he talks. He just has not told me those things. I don't know if i can still be friends with him. He says im "the only other person hes close to" Im sick of being a number 2. A Number 2, who SHOULD be a number 1. I really don't know why he stays with her. I don't know what makes her better then me when he clearly says I'm better.
We were just talking and she dragged him out of the conversation. I feel like that close connection is gone. I don't want to lose my best friend, but in my stomach i don't feel as close no more.
I wish he was my boyfriend.
Can someone give me some advice?
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Being best friends with someone who is already in a relationship is one thing, but wanting to be in a sexual relationship with them, regardless of their sexuality, is getting into dangerous territory, and in my experience usually ends up in tears and a breakdown of the friendship.
I think the best thing you can do for now, is simply be there for him, a shoulder to cry on if needed. The worst thing you can do is assume that because he's comfortable enough around you to discuss his relationship with his gf, that he would prefer you over her. It sounds like your his best friend, so its only natural that he confides in you, and its great that he's comfortable enough to act however he likes around you.
One thing I will caution you about is that green eyed monster, jealousy. If the gf sees you as a threat to her relationship, no matter how bad you may think their relationship is, she could make your life hell.
If you value your relationship with your friend you need to put all thoughts of being his BF out of your mind, at least for the time being. The situation with his current relationship is too volatile, in fact you may want to consider taking a break from both of them for a couple of weeks.
ObW
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This isn't going to end well.
Even if you get your wish its not going to end well.
i would strongly urge you to back off and allow them to be a couple without you as the third wheel bringing more pressure into an already stressed relationship.
I got the understanding here that he is abusing her? Is that what you said?
If so, why on earth do you want to be with an abusive person? Do you not understand that once he is with you that all of that abuse will be channeled in your direction?
I would say run - run away, far, far away... This fella, if an abuser, is not a good one to be friends with.
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he sounds like a horrible person .
why would you want to be with someone who treats his girlfriend so terribly ?
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The thing is he ISN'T your boyfriend, for the moment; he's just your friend, even if he is your best friend. He can't tear himself away from a relationship that probably made sense in the past, at least, if it has lost its meaning now.
At some point, if your friend does let his current girlfriend go, he'll have to go through a stage of mourning his lost relationship. It won't be easy and even though you two might still be on good terms, you might not want to be the rebound guy, the one that picks up the pieces.
It may be that your friend is experiencing doubts about his own sexual orientation but has initiated this straight relationship (for whatever reason) that is a bit inextricable. It's probably linked to all kinds of expectations and pressures. The last thing he needs is pressure from you and from your needs.
If you can play the card of patience, and wait for the other relationship to die, then there's a chance that you might share a nice time together, if he feels the same way you do towards him. Otherwise, you'd be better off remaining just a good friend and finding someone else to love who can love you back.
This triangular situation doesn't seem very healthy for the moment, and part of it is clamped down by the strains that are put on the different relationships here (yours with him, his with his girlfriend, his own wishes and desires, etc).
Maybe your common friends are more clearvoyant that he can be right in the middle of his own mess?
I would say, be there for him, since he clearly needs support but try not to put the extra pressure on him to get out of his current relationship. He'll soon see whether it's going anywhere, or whether it's time to quit, or patch it up. You could help so much better by helping him to see and talk things through, but that means passing no judgement, just helping to ask the right questions and for him to find the answers for himself.
Good luck with the whole affair.
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I think some people who answered the post here have not understood that the girlfriend was a victim of abuse from another source (not the boyfriend), which is what I understood. Probably the bisexual friend has tried to withdraw the girlfriend from that abusive situation (which is ongoing, from what we understand) but that makes her very cagey and indecisive about how to end things. Probably this is a source of frustration for Player4 and his friend, since the girlfriend has not been saved from her situation yet, nor is she willing to move on by adopting whatever advice they have given her. So things are already complicated and tense with the girlfriend on account of her own difficult situation.
I don't think Player4 can do very much about it, and his wanting to be boyfriends with his bisexual friend can't help to untangle the situation without there being grief as the outcome. So the advice we've all given to back off, or at least to take a few steps back, seems to prevail.
Good luck, Player4.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:This isn't going to end well.
Even if you get your wish its not going to end well.
i would strongly urge you to back off and allow them to be a couple without you as the third wheel bringing more pressure into an already stressed relationship.
I got the understanding here that he is abusing her? Is that what you said?
If so, why on earth do you want to be with an abusive person? Do you not understand that once he is with you that all of that abuse will be channeled in your direction?
I would say run - run away, far, far away... This fella, if an abuser, is not a good one to be friends with.
Hes not abusing her it was her mom
We talked stuff over yesterday and everything is resolved. I told him I would back off with that stuff.
conversation helped. thanks for the advice
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player4 Wrote:Hes not abusing her it was her mom
We talked stuff over yesterday and everything is resolved. I told him I would back off with that stuff.
conversation helped. thanks for the advice
so , he's in a relationship with a girl who was abused by a parent (who , by definition should have been loving and supportive and definitely not abusive) , and yet still calls her depressing and "a cunt" and constantly complains about her ?
that's really nice . if he's trying to support her and it's not working , she clearly needs more than just her boyfriend . she needs professional help and for someone to really help her out of the abusive situation (assuming it is ongoing) . even if she gets out of it , abuse has long lasting effects . some people find it extremely difficult to "get over" something like that. some people never do.
his attitude towards this girl makes me question why on earth anyone would want to be with him.
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I don't know what to do.
