boyrfiend lied about his age by 20 years

[wwu]

I posted this in another forum and got almost no advice but people berating and judging me for being with someone so much older than me, so I am posting it here in hoped of finding some better support:

When I met my boyfriend of the last 8 months he told me he was 38 years old, which is already almost a 20 year age difference considering I'm 19.

8 months is the longest I've been with anyone and this wasn't just some older guy I wanted a free ride from, Ive been with other men considerably older than me (10-20 years), and I only feel 100% comfortable around this man out of every man I've been with.

However, I was under the impression that he was 20 years older than me, which I believed, don't ask me how, and I ended up finding out he is actually 58 when we were crossing the border to canada and the guard asked his age. He still tried to play it off initially, but I already had some suspicions and I knew he was hiding something, so he had no choice but to tell me in the car which was very uncomfortable but it had to come out I suppose. However we continued to have the dinner we were going to and went back to the hotel we were staying at, because I still wanted to be with him even though he lied to me, we went back to the hotel and cried with each other for a while, he felt so bad for hurting me and "destroying something special" we had a restless night of fairly emotionless sex.

I know age is just a number, and I'm not superficial in the slightest, but I've never seriously dated a MAN let alone someone 20 years older than me, so this was all new for me, and he made me so happy it didn't matter. But now I know he's 40 years older than me, and I think back to all the lies he told me to cover it up and all the manipulating he did, he told me he loved me from the second week we met, but how can you lie to someone you love for so long...

It it tearing me up inside because I know the person he is and I know he just made a lie when we met so he could have a chance with me and he was just too scared to lose me, and I loved him so much I can't just let him go, but now when I look him in the face half the time I just think about how he hurt me and it doesn't feel the same, but my heart is still in love with the person he is. I worry because maybe I am just blinded by love and he is bad for me, but I love him still and I want to spend my life with him but now I don't know if I can give him myself 110% like I did before, I've never been hurt like this.

He is seeing his therapist to talk about this and some of his issues wednesday, and I think I should probably see one about this to, I don't have friends I can talk to about this.

I know only time till truly tell, but I need some outside perspectives as to what you think about lying about something like this, what do you think?

[Anonymous]

I find it surprising you believed he was 38 what are his beauty secrets ?
Seriously if you love him and he loves you and you want to be together and can work through the trust issues then why not?
I was 22 when i met my boyfriend and that was 19 years ago, he's now 67 - do the math

[Edward]

Well, didn't you ever suspect his age by his looks? In 58 person usually doesn't look like 38 anymore.

In your place I would probably dump him. I can sometimes understand teenagers and very young people lying about their age out of the fear of rejection, but if 58 years old person does it......something is very wrong.

And if he lied about about something so important to you, how can you know he hasn't lied about something else too? Maybe all your relationship is one big lie.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Age is just a number, and if your both happy and the relationship is working for both of you, then talk through the numbers issue and see where it goes.

Not sure if your out to friends and family, as a couple, but if 38 is the magic number that keeps comments at bay, then why change it?

Sure you may get some heat from others on here, but at the end of the day your both adults, and other than this issue, you have both been happy with the relationship.

Hope you guys can work it out

ObW
X

[Waylon777]

In my opinion, if you re not comfortable, talk to him. If you still can't wrap it around, you may need some time to think over your relationship. Age is just a number, but it could also signify difference in generation and emotional maturity, sometimes, those don't match. On the other hand, if you think you could live with him, definitely go, it's awesome to find someone that you are in love with. It may get a bit weird if the guy has a kid since that could mean that you could also become a stepfather to someone that maybe around your age. Now, that would be a bit complicated..

[jimcrackcorn]

I can understand why he would lie to you about his age,, he didn't want to scare you away.

Hope you two have a good time together.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He lied he lied to get you to be with him, this is manipulation. If he is willing to manipulate you with his age, in what other areas is he willing to manipulate you?

I don't care if you want to be with an older man - or an old man. What I do care about is that he feels justified for whatever reason to lie to you to get you to believe one thing in order to have his way with you.

Honesty is key to a working relationship. If there is lack of honesty about simple things like dates of birth/age then there is going to be lack of honesty in other areas.

He lied - he betrayed your trust - betrayal of trust kills love.

Sorry.

[Pix]

Some people really try to convince themselves that they're younger than they are. I might give him a pass on this...up to 8 days anyway.

Does this guy have no family or friends? :confused: Even if his physical appearances are such that you couldn't tell he was nearly 60 instead of 40 then there are so many other things that should've brought it up. It sounds to me like you're just a toy that he keeps separate from the rest of his life and he's probably just playing you for as long as he can (such as now going to "therapy") before he has to go groom another toy.

And he loves you after only 2 weeks? BS! I'd excuse a teen who hasn't learned to tell the difference between infatuation and love for saying that but not someone in their 30s let alone their 50s!

Everything you said makes this guy sound like a deceitful, manipulative player. And that's bad when you come off as making excuses for him as it makes me wonder what you're holding back (possibly even from yourself).

[wwu]

Some people really try to convince themselves that they're younger than they are. I might give him a pass on this...up to 8 days anyway.

Does this guy have no family or friends? :confused: Even if his physical appearances are such that you couldn't tell he was nearly 60 instead of 40 then there are so many other things that should've brought it up. It sounds to me like you're just a toy that he keeps separate from the rest of his life and he's probably just playing you for as long as he can (such as now going to "therapy") before he has to go groom another toy.

And he loves you after only 2 weeks? BS! I'd excuse a teen who hasn't learned to tell the difference between infatuation and love for saying that but not someone in their 30s let alone their 50s!

Everything you said makes this guy sound like a deceitful, manipulative player. And that's bad when you come off as making excuses for him as it makes me wonder what you're holding back (possibly even from yourself).

Obviously I'm not going to lay out every facet of our relationship, however he has always put me and my needs first, even to his own fault, which is what leads me to believe deep down he's a good person and doesn't want to hurt me.

And when it comes to me meeting his family and friends, it's not like he's been hiding me from them, it has been more of me working through being comfortable enough to meet them.

I am a good judge of character and like to think of myself as a man of substance, and I want to be with him but I don't how much I can commit to him anymore, I don't want to move in with him to find I can think of nothing but his lies 24/7, it all comes back to the saying "time will tell" any more advice/thoughts are appreciated and thank you who have given me advice.

[Pix]

So how have you known a man for 8 months who's loved you for more than 7 and yet you never learned enough about him to realize he's 20 years older? :confused:

And forgive me, but I doubt you're a good judge of character. Witness this, several months and you never knew he was 20 years older. He took you to Canada, for your needs or to keep you separate from his regular life? Players like him can be masters of making you think he's doing it all for you when it's anything but. And why would you be uncomfortable meeting his friends and family unless he made you feel uncomfortable? People who are bad judges usually think they're good judges, if anything they think they're a lot better judges than people who actually are good judges.

People who love each other (which always takes time, at least to know for sure, not just a week and a half) get to KNOW each other and that includes enough to know there's an extra 20 years in his life story...and they get at least some passing familiarity with the other people in each other's life (even if they don't meet they hear about them). And then there are photos, mementos, all kinds of things that are easily seen and commented on which should clue you in on his age (assuming he doesn't hide them from you, which he probably does). If he loved you enough to share with you then why didn't he share enough for your "good judge of character" to kick in? There is simply no excuse that it took you this long for one random incident for you to realize he was 20 years older, that is assuming you were really in love with each other and the ONLY thing he ever lied to you about was his age.