relationship advice

[Ozguy82]

Thanks for taking the time to give me some advice, 30y/o gay male i live in Australia in Sydney I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 3 years, he is 33 we are both masculine I am from the city he is from the country.

Our relationship has never been a stable one, we both met at a down point in our lives, he rescued me from a bad group of friends and i helped him out of a situation he was in with his employer who didnt pay him when he just moved to the city.

We became best mates, things were a little odd to start, i caught him doing meth and injecting. I was totally blow away never seen that sort of thing before, he convinced me that was his thing because i liked the occasional party drug this was no different.

I started to get my life together about 2 years ago, i have good friends and I have a successful career again.

I have a business in real estate, he has no interest in it, I work and make the money to pay the bills.

We have lived in a couple of houses in the past few years, he has punched holes in the walls in every place when we would fight, I have been carrying him for 3 years he has never had a job, when i met him he had one backpack, bit of a gypsy, hes been using recently on and off and lying to me about it, finally i cracked it the other night when i found him using so I packed all his stuff and changed the locks.

He promised me that he would change and needed help so i arranged for him to go to a private clinic and get help, hes been there two days and will be there for another month.

Trouble is now ive had two days to myself finally after three years, i feel relived and
wonder if its really worth putting any more effort in, when there is a world out there with no pain attached.

I think hes only doing it for me and not himself and he is scared of loosing me.

His brother had a major problem with drugs still does and so do the rest of his family, our families are completely different. He has lots of unresolved issues from his childhood and hasn't made any friends here, most of the friends he has are all users and bad influences, and not the kind you would take to dinner with your family.

I feel like i have outgrown the relationship and i have only stayed in it because i might be afraid of being alone and starting again and of course breaking his heart.

So my question is what would you do? would you stay and support him through the process of rehab or run with the wind and why?

My mother said he has some lovely qualities (the other side of him) but didn't think long term he is the one for me.

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS, Ozguy!

You're the only one who can decide what's right for you in your relationship.

That being said... LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!! And listen to yourself. You didn't say one good thing about your partner other than he helped you out of a bad group of friends 3 years ago. You went on for a long time without saying one good thing. That seems to me like a sign of how things are.

You've led him to rehab, and hopefully he will be grateful and follow through. Breaking up is no fun, but it's important for you to take care of yourself, if that's what you decide.

Good luck!

[MisterTinkles]

You apparently have made up your mind about it already, and are just looking for confirmation.
" i feel relived and wonder if its really worth putting any more effort in, when there is a world out there with no pain attached."

As the saying goes "no pain, no gain". Well, you have obviously had your pain, now its time to find some gain.

You are nothing more than a meal ticket to this guy, he has proven this to you from the time you have been together. Drugs are more important to him that you will ever be, he has proven this to you also.

Time to get rid of the problems in your life, that are dragging you down.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the Forum OzG.

I hate to say this, but he's simply using you. You have invested enough in the past 3 years, to realise that its all going to come to nothing. Not only that, but his drug use, recreational or not, is also putting you at risk every time you are intimate with him.

It seems to me that you've matured over the past few years and now have a clearer vision on what you want from life. He on the other hand has become comfortable in his dependance on you, and seems to be taking it for granted.

I spent 3 months working in Sydney earlier this year. Its a fantastic place, and Im sure you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are, not what you can provide for them.

Move on my friend, you deserve better.

Good Luck,

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

As an addict in recovery I can tell you that quitting is not easy. I did meth, IV use (slamming) for about a decade. Unlike your partner 9 of those years I was a functioning addict, a weekend and vacation warrior - maintained my job until the company closed its doors - that's where things got sticky for me, too much free time, a decent pension/settlement - well all of that money went into a vein.

Meth is particularly attractive to many do to the fact it gives you power - well the sense of power. False that sense of power may be, but its strong and it 'worth' the bad shit that takes place.

And the rush of slamming is like sex - but if sex was like being hit by a toddler on a tricycle, the rush from meth is like being hit by a fully loaded 18 wheeler traveling at 80 miles per hour. And it keeps going and going for hours - can't top that with sex or many other experiences (other than a few other different drugs).

What are his chances of quitting? Relapse rates vary, I have heard that most meth addicts on their first go-around relapse 98% of the time. The best I have heard is about 85% of the time. Second time around fares better for many, with 60% relapse rate.


You cannot comprehend what meth does for him - you cannot comprehend what meth does to him. Unless you become an addict yourself - they it will suddenly make a lot of sense and your feelings here would be somewhat different, perhaps you would even be more willing to keep to the grindstone a bit longer and try to help him stay the course.

Another aspect here is you are 30. 30 is one of those Big Zero Years where most people (not all, but most) undergo massive changes in how they live life. That alone is going to cause you to have a far different opinion about a lot of different things. If he is close behind you he may actually be ready and able to up and change the direction of his life.

I stopped using between my 29th and 30th birthday the last time around (I tried for a fear years near the end) and meet with success simply because the magic of 30 worked on me and brought about new maturity and responsibility. It happens with a lot of drug users/addicts this special time.

And 40 and 50 are also big birthdays that have profound impact on people.

I strongly suggest YOU find Alanon meetings in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

This is a program for you and people like you, people who are not the addict/alcoholic but do have an addict alcoholic in their lives. These meetings will teach you a lot of things and help you to help yourself (and to some minor degree him) in figuring out where to go from here.

IDK - you seem to have invested a lot of time, energy, money whatever into him and this relationship. In all honesty if you were going to end it you should have ended it a while ago.

What really sucks here is now that you have forced him into rehab and he has started working on a program of recovery NOW you decide you are going to kick him back down and demonstrate to him that getting clean is not the right choice because now that he is getting clean, now you are going to leave him.

The message this will send is that you do not really want him clean, and his effort for getting clean is to be punished.

That makes you into an epic jerkwad, a bastard and will have a profound, negative impact on his program of recovery. It is very possible that what happens is with you breaking off this relationship at this crucial time in his recovery you send him into the depths of addiction and he never tries to get clean again.

You dedicated him to recovery, made this huge issue that this relationship ain't going to work with him on drugs - now you have no other choice but to see it through and walk with him until he is clean and sober.

Regardless of how relieved you feel, or how now you have grown all of these ideas that you would be better off without him, you are the mature, responsible party and have to take one for the team (yes I know, again) and see this through.

Look, at one time you loved him - find that - lean on it for a year or two.

Never know, if he gets clean and sober and can sustain himself for two years you may find him to be the 'perfect man' again. So there is a chance here.


I won't lie to you and tell you that massive changes will take place over night. He has years of wreckage to clean up - it took him years to make that wreckage, it will take as many to clean it up.

Again, get yourself to alanon meetings.

[Ozguy82]

Thanks very much everyone for your comments and feedback, will let you know what happens.

[dfiant1]

I lost my partner to drugs in 1999, he passed away under the rail bridge in Cabramatta. I no longer live in Sydney because I don't feel like I belong there any more.

From this experience I would say remove yourself from the situation because it won't end well for you, I don't think there is any room for maybes or probably's...it will definitely end badly for you.

I would encourage you to continue supporting him through rehab because at this point in time it is the right thing to do. It is an opportunity for him to do something with his life, but I suspect given that his friends and family are so involved, that is always going to be his calling.

You have to do what is right for you and it seems like you have the chance now to think about what you want

all the best mate.

[Ozguy82]

Thanks mate for the reply. My partner called me yesterday and said that I should say away from him and that he believed he was a psychopath and that he was destructive and he told me what i wanted to hear for the last year. He also said that i should "run" I was so shattered by this, so today i met with him with my Father and confronted him about this, he didn't like it at all, that I finally raised the hard to talk about topics in front of someone, he said to me that its not true and he was having a bad day.

Its all too much drama for me at such a young age and i have to go with my gut so i broke up with him at the clinic, figure its the best place for a person like him to deal with the separation.....

[dfiant1]

Indeed it is too much drama, more than anyone needs in their life.

I think you have done the right thing and we are here for you if you need to get anything off your chest or just relax and have a chat