Alright.

[Ryocchi]

Hello, let's pretend I'm drunk.

Here's the thing, I'm sabotaging myself, I know I'm sabotaging myself, sadly, usually when it happens I usually spot it too late.

Up until recently I didn't notice this but when I meet guys they usually fall into two categories, guys who I'm attracted to, and guys who I'm not.

With the guys I'm not attracted I'm naturally myself, nice and friendly, with the guys I'm attracted too I bulk up and raise all my defenses up, to the point that if we become friends somehow I become annoying.

Latest case, I reconnected with and old high school friend lately and in my birthday party he confessed to me, but I'm not attracted to him, It's not the first friend I have who has made a pass at me, but I'm not attracted to them, sadly and stupidly because some of them are great dudes, on the other hand I'm attracted to my coworker, but we fought last week, before the fight I didn't saw it but it seems unconsciously I was always antagonizing him, now we made up and are nice again but I'm doing my very best to keep my mean stroke at bay.

Worst thing is that I'm not sure if I want to try to change myself, or maybe I'm just doing it wrong, but when I try to open myself more, depression gets to me quite hard, I know it's wrong, but when I don't have my emotions on a tight leash, I cannot control my depressive bouts.

I'm probably a coward, I'm deep bone scare of rejection, I hate feeling weak, and to top it all, self-esteem issues, I like myself in the mirror, I'm nowhere near a model, nut I know I'm not ugly, theoretically, because when I'm attracted to a guy I always think they would never look at me that way, and even if by some miracle they are attracted to me and make their attraction clear, I can't brush of my self doubts, It's maddening... sigh...

I'm sorry for the long rant.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Welcome to the club - I sabotage myself in many areas of my life as well.

The fact that you know what you are doing wrong is a big step - you can choose to change it or not - that is up to you. You don't have to - I'm not going to tell you to do so.

However I am going to now scare you half to death. You will soon be 40. Way hella soon.... I assure you meeting the right guy gets harder once you hit 30.....Its about ten times worse when you hit 40. By 40 if you dare to go to the clubs and general places that LGBT congregate you are the 'creepy old dude' - even if you don't talk to the twenters...

Time runs out - so you need to decide if this methodology works for you, or if you seriously want to chance your status from single to married before you regret not taking chances, making changes.

Understand most people regret most what they didn't do, instead of what they did.

[MisterTinkles]

Been there, done that.

[Ryocchi]

Thank you for the answers, Boewyn, that's has been on my mind for sometime, I don't know what I will do yet, but i felt good voicing it, thank you.