10-08-2013, 08:41 AM
Hello, let's pretend I'm drunk.
Here's the thing, I'm sabotaging myself, I know I'm sabotaging myself, sadly, usually when it happens I usually spot it too late.
Up until recently I didn't notice this but when I meet guys they usually fall into two categories, guys who I'm attracted to, and guys who I'm not.
With the guys I'm not attracted I'm naturally myself, nice and friendly, with the guys I'm attracted too I bulk up and raise all my defenses up, to the point that if we become friends somehow I become annoying.
Latest case, I reconnected with and old high school friend lately and in my birthday party he confessed to me, but I'm not attracted to him, It's not the first friend I have who has made a pass at me, but I'm not attracted to them, sadly and stupidly because some of them are great dudes, on the other hand I'm attracted to my coworker, but we fought last week, before the fight I didn't saw it but it seems unconsciously I was always antagonizing him, now we made up and are nice again but I'm doing my very best to keep my mean stroke at bay.
Worst thing is that I'm not sure if I want to try to change myself, or maybe I'm just doing it wrong, but when I try to open myself more, depression gets to me quite hard, I know it's wrong, but when I don't have my emotions on a tight leash, I cannot control my depressive bouts.
I'm probably a coward, I'm deep bone scare of rejection, I hate feeling weak, and to top it all, self-esteem issues, I like myself in the mirror, I'm nowhere near a model, nut I know I'm not ugly, theoretically, because when I'm attracted to a guy I always think they would never look at me that way, and even if by some miracle they are attracted to me and make their attraction clear, I can't brush of my self doubts, It's maddening... sigh...
I'm sorry for the long rant.
Here's the thing, I'm sabotaging myself, I know I'm sabotaging myself, sadly, usually when it happens I usually spot it too late.
Up until recently I didn't notice this but when I meet guys they usually fall into two categories, guys who I'm attracted to, and guys who I'm not.
With the guys I'm not attracted I'm naturally myself, nice and friendly, with the guys I'm attracted too I bulk up and raise all my defenses up, to the point that if we become friends somehow I become annoying.
Latest case, I reconnected with and old high school friend lately and in my birthday party he confessed to me, but I'm not attracted to him, It's not the first friend I have who has made a pass at me, but I'm not attracted to them, sadly and stupidly because some of them are great dudes, on the other hand I'm attracted to my coworker, but we fought last week, before the fight I didn't saw it but it seems unconsciously I was always antagonizing him, now we made up and are nice again but I'm doing my very best to keep my mean stroke at bay.
Worst thing is that I'm not sure if I want to try to change myself, or maybe I'm just doing it wrong, but when I try to open myself more, depression gets to me quite hard, I know it's wrong, but when I don't have my emotions on a tight leash, I cannot control my depressive bouts.
I'm probably a coward, I'm deep bone scare of rejection, I hate feeling weak, and to top it all, self-esteem issues, I like myself in the mirror, I'm nowhere near a model, nut I know I'm not ugly, theoretically, because when I'm attracted to a guy I always think they would never look at me that way, and even if by some miracle they are attracted to me and make their attraction clear, I can't brush of my self doubts, It's maddening... sigh...
I'm sorry for the long rant.