i gotta tlk 2 sum 1

[fjp999]

the thing is im not sure what the problem is. it's not that i feel any kind of rejection for being gay, in fact i don't think it's any kind of rejection at all. i don't kno, it might just be the way my brain works.

Probably good analysis on your own part. It might be how your brain works and to be healthy you have to understand that if it is a "problem" then how can you fix that "problem". Can this problem be resolved with talk therapy? yoga? meditation? reading books? medication?

Marshlander is so correct on what he wrote. Anti-depressants were made a black label a few years ago. Black label in USA means that they are a very dangerous class of drugs and must be monitored closely. They found that teens taking ADs could become worse off. I was on a heavy treatment for Hep C and that treatment causes depression. I became suicidal and was put on ADs. They stopped the suicidal thoughts but the side effects were horrible for me. When Hep C treatment ended I couldnt wait to get off the ADs. I finally started taking anti-anxiety meds (they are the cutest tiny pills in the world). The nice thing about anti-anxiety meds is that you can take them when you need them. I think a lot of people use them for fear of flying and such for short term. My living situation has changed in four months and in that short time I was able to cut down my anti-anxiety meds by half.

Hopefully you can get are in a comfortable place where you live and can find peace where you are.

im worried about it now because since the last time i tried to hurt myself i was caught, i got put into lots of therapy and stuff, but that is nearly finished, and i can't bring myself to tell the doctor i want to carry on the sessions, although it makes me feel better, i hate the sessions, i hate psyco-analisis. im scared that if i carry on with sessions much longer he will prescribe something, and i don't want to have to take anti-depressants.

I am a little confused here. You say that you hate the sessions and I am guessing that is due to the self-analysis. But you say you want to carry on with them because they make you feel better. How do they make you feel better? Maybe you are really benefiting from the self-analysis. You certainly sound intelligent. I hope that your doc or therapist isnt directing your self-analysis in a direction you are uncomfortable with.

I have gone thru so many psychiatrist and therapist. I have a great psychiatrist and my current therapist is OK. I think it is difficult to be a good therapist. You have to be that third person Marsh describes but also have some connection with what the patient is suffering from. My best therapist was a woman who was just recovering from a long term illness & we connected perfectly. My worse was this horribly loud American who kept saying I had to eat more steak and potatoes because that is what Americans do. I couldnt tell if she was joking or not. I hated her.

Maybe it is time to continue your sessions but also make a change with a new therapist??? But like I said not sure about where the problem is except that you want to continue???

The last thing you want is to feel that you are forced into taking meds you dont want. ADs could be the thing you need to put your brain chemistry right but you wont be able to tell until you try them and it takes weeks for them to be effective. Marsh gives excellent advice on this as well...

i haven't told the doctor, my family or any of my friends this, and i think the furthest it will go is my friends if anywhere at all, i don't want to tell my family, they'll freak out, and if i tell the doctor he'll extend the sessions or prescribe me something, if i told my friends the school would find out, then my parents etc. i can't handle that.

Marsh is right about this one too. Again you sound so intelligent and maybe you dont need a support group but are strong enough on your own. Maybe you need to be in a group therapy setting so you understand you are not alone in your feelings or thoughts. I have never been in a group but always thought this would be great. I know I get great comfort from the Hep C forum especially when I see that many have gone thru the same as me.

oh, and im pretty sure i have depression, or even manic depression, but im not sure which one, also i get some minor OCD, and varied aggression and paranoia. i know you're going to suggest me telling my doctor or my family, but i really can't, it's not easy talking to them any way.

OK, I am a little confused about this too. If you are in therapy it must be obvious to the therapist or doc that you are one thing or another. It seems that you are saying that you havent been properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist or psychologist. Maybe a psychologist is best here since they cant prescribe meds but can make a definite diagnosis. Self-diagnosis can be beneficial but you might be wrong.

i think the suicide attempts might be something to do with this feeling that i get that nothing will work out, not only in the short-term, but ever, i normally get it while im alone, or even if i just feel alone. it usually causes me to leave whoever i am with and go to be alone. i'd destract myself with a book or something but i can't go and sit and read anywhere unless i'm at home.

I am guessing that you are young unless you are a university student... but all young people think nothing is gonna work out. It can last thru university and beyond. It takes a lot to find your feet. I think many do as you do and make themselves busy. I know that is what I do when I get down. I busy my brain with a lot of activities I enjoy so I dont settle on negative thoughts.

Well, enough of my blabbering. Hope you hang around here some and find good conversation. If you care to write more about your thoughts and what makes you nervous about working things out in the short term and long term. Also you could write about what you find positive about yourself. It seems that you are at least comfortable with being gay. That is really wonderful.

hugs,
frank