Angst

[Anonymous]

So, long story short, I've never encountered the problem of being alone, but I've been lonely throughout most of my life. I have plenty of friends and no enemies to my knowledge. Yet, I've always felt slightly distant from, well, more or less everyone. I have different interests than most people, I listen to music and movies that I never dare share with anyone because they'd probably reject it for various reasons and it seems I can never really connect to people on a deeper level because I keep my private life VERY private and never discuss my emotions.

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for many years because there are many moments where I don't see any point in living. I don't have low self-esteem but I hate myself and that's a paradox I won't even attempt to explain. Usually I get by just fine, even if I'm a little withdrawn and shy during social gatherings. I party like most people my age and there are many times when I feel happy. Overall though, there's always this creeping sense of alienation and depression.

A few weeks ago I met a gay man, slightly older than me, and we connected quickly. He was more intelligent than me, very sweet, and didn't bring up the topic of sex until enough time had passed to make it appropriate. We basically entered a relationship and while there were a few things bothering me (like my parents) I was happier than I ever remember being, except for the years of childhood naivety. He's stopped talking to me now. Completely. He sent a message explaining that his sister had gotten hold of some of our skype messages somehow, which revealed her brother's sexuality. His family is extremely religious and since he's not talking to me I can only assume he's thrown me away to maintain his family ties and probably deny his sexuality forever.

Now I'm left with that same vague feeling of "kind of wanting to just put on an appropriate record and die but not doing it because of family and friends". I never talk about my emotions with my friends even if I know they'd listen. I don't want them to know what a naive being I am and I don't want to hear all about how some older person wanted to use me as a fuck-toy and threw me away when I didn't put out enough. Yet I'm talking about these things, anonymously, on a god damn forum. I seem to take care of my own pride in very bizarre and counter-productive ways. Lately my thoughts seem to kind of drift away and I can't help picturing myself in a bloodied bathtub or hanging from the ceiling. I don't get it - I'm free from most of the usual teenage angst-related problems; I don't have a shortage of friends, I don't feel neglected by family or friends and I don't feel ugly. I just feel like a freak, pathetic enough to take pride in hiding his melodrama from other people and who ought to just die already.

Does anyone have anything cheerful to say?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My nose whistles when I lean over... Is that cheerful?

I use humor to hide - Its really funny in a sad way....

So when I'm thinking most about 'opting out' of life I'm actually at the top of my comedic game....

BTW a priest a Rabbi and a Lion walk into a bar...... :eek:


What I am saying that you are not the only person who is FINE (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional). And you are not the only person who hides what they feel.

A lot of people deflect and hide what they are really feeling.


As for this situation with this guy - I'm sorry. It was crappy for him to do this to you.

As for talking anonymously on a goddamned forum - well that's something. You are trying and that is commendable. It is a step in the right direction.

Pretty much all of that sense of inability to connect, alienation, etc everyone has that to one degree or another.

The truth is that most people hide it very well so well that everyone else feels that there is something wrong with them because they know they are hiding their 'shit'.

[dfiant1]

You seem to be awfully hard on yourself, how about trying to ease up on yourself for starters?

It's ok to trust someone which is why you ended up in a relationship, but sometimes we ALL trust the wrong person/people. The fact that you feel taken advantage of is NOT your fault, it is HIS fault, he chose to do, he chose to lie to you and string you along. We all learn from having these experiences.

A 'few weeks' is not even close to a relationship, and in my honest opinion if you were having sex 3 weeks after meeting then you were rushing things. You need to be friends with someone before you can profess your love for them.

You do have a problem, but what this guy did to you is not your fault at all, but your problem relating to people means that you didn't see this coming...you just learned this lesson a little later than others. Since you are essentially a 'closed book', you have closed yourself off to a lot of experiences and you are going to have to go through the motions of opening up your emotions to new experiences?

You fear of rejection isn't healthy and it is holding you back from LIFE, I would perhaps seek some counselling for this issue because I think this is the root cause for everything.

[Anonymous]

I never said we were having sex, but it doesn't really matter.

Maybe I am hard on myself, but I can't make this irrational behaviour go away. I'm just disgusted by myself at every turn and the way I stay angry with the world for not giving it what it owes me - when, as a matter of fact, it doesn't owe me anything. I'm obviously too concerned with concealing this from everyone else than working on the problem itself. Everything is my fault but even as I realize this I'm too pathetic to actually take responsibility.

My plan was always to grow up faster than other people and never rely on everyone. But that's ruined me and now the disappearance of someone I only knew for a few weeks is triggering these emotions.

[dfiant1]

Sorry about the assumption

You are correct, the world owes you nothing. Everything you get from life and from the world must be earned.

Don't see what has happened as a fault or a mistake...see it for exactly what it is...A LEARNING EXPERIENCE...and learn that rejection really isn't that bad, it gives you the chance to assess and reassess your beliefs and allows you to see things for future similar encounters.

[nfisher1226]

First thing to learn, and this has been said many times before. It's almost impossible to have a relationship with a guy who isn't at least as "out" as you.

Relating to that, flowing from that in some ways - if a guy can't introduce you to those he's close to as his boyfriend, it's just not going to work. I know it's hard to find guys sometimes, but the type of guy who is ashamed to admit he's dating you is exactly the type of guy to avoid. He may even mean well. That's not the point. There's just probably not a future in it.

This guy who dumped you, he may even be hurting as bad as you are right now for all any of us know. But it's still his fault in some ways. I'd also say his family sucks for not accepting him. There's blame to go around. Don't try to take it all on yourself.

All that said, I feel for you. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Been there, done that. A lot of us have, and we have the scars to prove it. Keep breathing, live the long life you have in front of you, and don't let this experience drive you into seclusion. There's better guys out there. There's a lot to live for.

[davearoo]

Sorry about the assumption

You are correct, the world owes you nothing. Everything you get from life and from the world must be earned.

Don't see what has happened as a fault or a mistake...see it for exactly what it is...A LEARNING EXPERIENCE...and learn that rejection really isn't that bad, it gives you the chance to assess and reassess your beliefs and allows you to see things for future similar encounters.

Not to mention that EVERYBODY gets rejected - many, many times - throughout their lives. The ones who succeed in reaching their goals are the ones who learn from each of these experiences.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I never said we were having sex, but it doesn't really matter.

Maybe I am hard on myself, but I can't make this irrational behaviour go away. I'm just disgusted by myself at every turn and the way I stay angry with the world for not giving it what it owes me - when, as a matter of fact, it doesn't owe me anything. I'm obviously too concerned with concealing this from everyone else than working on the problem itself. Everything is my fault but even as I realize this I'm too pathetic to actually take responsibility.

My plan was always to grow up faster than other people and never rely on everyone. But that's ruined me and now the disappearance of someone I only knew for a few weeks is triggering these emotions.

How accurate these statements are I do not know. I think I will disagree with the 'too pathetic' part and 'everything is my fault' part. I find it difficult to believe you have the power to make choices for others in life.

For instance this guy who used you emotionally and made a choice to hide in his closet and push you away. That is not a thing you did, not did you choose it. This is on him.

However it appears you have some idea of the 'problem' when it comes to self.

Like the confession you are working too hard on hiding it, and the plan to be fiercely independent.

Can you bring yourself to the point where you can start thinking about potential avenues of 'fixing' these things? I'm not saying that you actually start fixing, but just sit down and think of potential methods to 'fix' these?

You may not understand this (but then again you might), but your biggest problem with all of this is you feel like you have no control here. I think that thinking about potential solutions may actually restore some sense of control.

You had no control over falling in love (Falling is a key, like gravity, once love takes over you are pretty much powerless to stop the experience). you have no control over this guys actions. You feel powerless over how you act/behave - and ultimately this plan to rely on no one means you seek absolute control over everything that happens to you.

You view your feelings as irrational behavior, you are angry at yourself because you can't just manage to control those emotions, those passion that rule you.

Understand you will never, ever control your emotions. You may learn how to temper them, to flow with them and accept them. You may actually learn how to maintain rational thought to direct how you express those emotions.

This is not really controlling them. This is mastering ones passions.