Boyfriend Says he was Unhappy :(

[gboy]

I don't know what to do right now, I have been dating this amazing guy for the past 11 months. It was our first gay relationship for both of us and I even came out to my family which was very hard 2 months in. I'm 22 and in my last year of university and he is 23 in his last year of his masters degree (so he has been very stressed about writing his thesis...etc).

Everything seemed fine for the past 11 months he never mentioned to me that he was unhappy we did everything together I saw him almost everyday and practically lived with him. I understand that I have to give him space. He says that it was nothing I did, I was perfect it's just he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He needs to concentrate on writing for a while.

I haven't seen him this past week, his friend came to visit (single and gay). I saw him last wednesday we all went out to dinner and then I saw him again this tuesday he came over to my house. He was busy that week with his friend going to conferences etc. I have a gut feeling something happened with this friend and he is overwhelmed by guilt and could not tell me. Things were just fine before he came and "visited".

I told him that I love him no matter what happens and everything happens for a reason and when we first started dating, I told him that I could never get mad at him for anything he is just way too cute. I reminded him of that also...hoping he would admit if something happened.

I'm just so crushed I never want to love anyone again, he was so perfect...my everything. I loved him so much. I dated a few girls before in the past but breaking up with them was so easy for me because I never liked them in the first place..yes I know karma. This is technically my first "real" breakup and they are HORRIBLE. I'm finally gay and free and it's only because of this guy.

Is there any hope? I want to give him space and time and I will do that.

Any help appreciated.

[Vigilias]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

Pitty it's under such circumstances but welcome anyway.

Break ups like this are something you have to go on with your instinct, you will know in your heart of hearts if there is any possibility of a reconciliation. What does your instinct tell you?

You may be right about something happening between him and this friend of his but you know, in a way you sort of gave him permission to do anything he liked.

"I told him that I love him no matter what happens and everything happens for a reason and when we first started dating, I told him that I could never get mad at him for anything he is just way too cute."

"he was so perfect...my everything"

Others treat us the way we let them.

I really hope that there can be some reconciliation between you but from what you've told us, it doesn't seem likely.

Do you feel that there is anything you might have done differently that could have acted as a catalyst to your break up. I noticed that you mention spending quite a lot of time with him. Perhaps because this was your first gay relationship something made you somewhat needy. Not everyone can cope with that.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, like the bottom of your world just fell out, but time is a great healer and you WILL get over this and you WILL meet someone else when you've gone through the grieving process and come out the other end.

He must have been attracted to you for your relationship to have lasted as long as it did, and those qualities will attract someone else in time.

It's rare that we fall in love with and remain with the first person we find for ever.

Keep your self busy and if you want to come back here and let us know how things are going. We may not have a collection of magic wands to wave but we try our best to help where we can.

one day you wont feel as bad as you do right now.

Someone else will be along soon with their take on your situation.

I hope that's of some small help!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First, Take a deep breath. Let it out, repeat - and again, and again....

Humans tend to forget to breathe when the most need to.

Now, the old standby for every situation that you can either learn from me or wait until life hands you enough experiences:

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I know you have the hopey thing already down pat - Hope comes easily. What doesn't come easy is preparing for the worse. Sorry.

One thing I can assure you is that once you are through the Denial, the Bargaining, the Anger and the Depression and the 'stupid' that these will make you do, there comes Acceptance and moving on.


Yes it hurts a lot. I can't even begin to tell you how crippling this pain will feel at times. You will end up wishing you were either never born or you were dead. Yes it will hurt that bad. Hang in their though you will get pass that.

Right now it hurts 24/7 - in a while it will only hurt 23/7, then 22/7 and the hours between the pain will grow wider until you are going whole days then whole weeks and eventually you reach a point where whole years, even decades will pass.

It gets better.

[Vigilias]

"Someone else will be along soon with their take on your situation."

I hate to sound smug, but I told you! lol

[southbiochem]

First you should take into consideration your personal knowledge of him..

Has he ever been dishonest with you? Has he ever kept things from you? If so, then you can suspect things are going on...

Now, being a science major, I know for a fact that the process of getting a degree is stressful to no end...I personaly didn't even talked to anyone while I was working and writing...

So maybe he indeed maybe just uber busy...an giving him space can be good for him..

My advice is that you adress this situation with the "are we OK?" kind of question, whenever he decides to spend a little quiet and relaxed time with you...never do so while he's busy...

study his reaction closely, whether he is calmed, or he gets anxious...that will be more telling than any answer he may or may not give you..

Good luck

[Matt]

It always gets better.

You don't want to hear this, but I'll say it anyway. This pain is a lesson in life. And it will eventually full. Is it over for good, probably. But think of it this way. You're out, you're free. Thank him for it. But then move on. It will take time. No one can say anything to make the pain go away.

Just remember. It gets better.