Absolutely hating myself for a decision I've made

[Anonymous]

I recently lost my virginity to a loving, sweet and selfless man.

However, there are a few plot twists.

1) He is at least 3x my age.
That's totally cool with me. Age is a number that is completely meaningless.

But there is another factor at play here
2) He is a father
And he doesn't just have 1 or 2 kids. He has 6.

Honestly, that fact literally makes me want to crawl up in a corner and die. Of course, knowing the person this man is, he would be absolutely alarmed if he knew that I was even mentioning suicide.

There are a couple factors that mitigate my wrongdoing, possibly.

1) He is not monogamous and therefore I am not the only young guy he's been with

And
2) He invited me over

I don't blame this guy. He simply has a ton of love in his heart. I blame myself and I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life.

[LONDONER]

Self hate is absolutely pointless. It's done. It's over. Get over it.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

The old saying of it takes two to tango comes to mind.

You didn't set out to seduce him, your both consenting adults, and as you said yourself, its not as if he's behaving like he's in a monogamous str8 relationship.

I hope the "loving sweet selfless man" used protection. If he didn't then you better get tested.

Don't be fooled into thinking he was doing you a favour, far from it.

If you enjoyed it, great. If you didn't then chalk it up to experience and think about what you want to do differently. Whatever you do, don't become his FB, out of some misguided loyalty to him.

You have no reason or need whatsoever for any suicidal thoughts or self loathing because of what you did.

ObW
X

[stu]

Why do you think you have done anything wrong?

[Genersis]

I don't think you have much to be guilty about.
The only thing I can think of is if he lied and is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship.
Even then, it wouldn't really be your fault for being unaware.

Relax.
I also should second the notion of playing safe.

[MisterTinkles]

You did not mention if this guy is married or divorced...or never married.

Seems to me, from what you have stated, that he is only "sweet and wonderful" to the point of getting what he wants from young guys. This is what we used to call a "chicken hawk". I think they just use the more generic term of "player" nowdays.

Seems this guy cant keep it in his pants long enough to cool off.

I would suggest staying far, far, far, far, far away from this guy.

No offense.

[Woollyhats]

You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, even though it doesn't feel like it, he actually took advantage of you. Please stop feeling bad... In the mean time, you should go to a health Centre and get tested if you had penetrative sex and stay away from this mam
Seriously, just from reading your post anyone can tell he isn't good for you..

Best of luck, you aren't any less of a person if you grow from your experiences...

[southbiochem]

Sweet and selfless as he maybe..

is he still married?...cause it doesn't matter if hes 3x your age, it doesn't matter if he's divorced and free to live his life...to a point

but if hes married no, no, no, no...get away from that...

you didn't do anything wrong, he did, but you are clearly not comfortable with this, so...cut it off before the poison spreads...

you need better people for your first experiences..

take from this what you enjoyed, cherish that and move on...

you ARE WORTH MUCH BETTER.

(remeber safe sex always)

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Lots of love? Are you sure that that is the emotion he is brimming over with and its not just lust?

Johnny, you are in a perilous position. Being on the spectrum and having admitted more than once that its difficult for you to read people, you are at greater risk of being used and potentially abused by people (men). I have to wonder if you are misreading what this fellow wants/needs with/from you. I do hope you are not stacking up a huge pile of love at his feet and he is really unable to give you love back.

3 times your age means he's around 60. Contrary to your mythology age is not just a number. He has been around long enough to sire 6 children and do gods know what else in his life. He experienced things in a world that no longer exists. He lived most of his life in a world where being gay was a very, very bad thing and that is going to affect how he has relationships with other men.

It may be the main reason why he is able and willing to have other boys on the side - the idea of a real commitment/relationship to one guy may be a very alien thing for him. I spend my 20's and 30's in a world where we were told men can't love other men - that way - were we told this directly and indirectly by the small fact that we were denied the right of marriage. Society told us our love wasn't really love.

That has an impact on how I view relationships - for older guys who not only were told it was impossible for men to love each other but lived through the era where being gay was illegal, hated, reviled they are affected even more.

You have never exactly said what it is you are looking for in a man - are you looking for LTR monogamy with commitment? Or are you OK with 'just sex' and 'Friends with Benefits' sorts of situations?

You feel bad about giving up your virginity to this fellow, because he has kids, because he is unable (might not be unwilling but do to a life spent in hiding is really unable to have a gay LTR) - perhaps you should use that to guide what it is you seek in life, what it is you need from a man.

If he was loving and gentle about the process if he was kind to you then it was a good way to give up your virginity. if he is still seeing you and still taking care of some of your emotional needs (cuddling/snuggling) then its OK - perhaps better than merely OK but actually a good way to go through this process.


(PS - your signature still claims you are 18..... need to update that don't cha think :tongue

[princealbertofb]

I recently lost my virginity to a loving, sweet and selfless man.

However, there are a few plot twists.

1) He is at least 3x my age.
That's totally cool with me. Age is a number that is completely meaningless.

But there is another factor at play here
2) He is a father
And he doesn't just have 1 or 2 kids. He has 6.

Honestly, that fact literally makes me want to crawl up in a corner and die. Of course, knowing the person this man is, he would be absolutely alarmed if he knew that I was even mentioning suicide.

There are a couple factors that mitigate my wrongdoing, possibly.

1) He is not monogamous and therefore I am not the only young guy he's been with

And
2) He invited me over

I don't blame this guy. He simply has a ton of love in his heart. I blame myself and I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life.

My partner is also a man who has six children and now nine grandchildren.... He made a mistake in marrying early because he badly wanted children.... He realised too late (religious upbringing not allowing even the perspective or thought that he might be gay) and that was that. Some water has flowed under the bridge since then and we've been together ten years. We are of similar ages, however.

Don't blame your partner for being neither monogamous (How can he be, since he's probably gay but needs to behave as a straight family man?) nor out. He's cornered himself into a very hetero sexual life which must be very difficult to extricate himself from. He, like so many others, have probably come to a late understanding of who he is and what he needs to maintain his sanity. Unfortunately his early bad choices have imprisoned him for a lifetime. The older the man, the more difficult it is for them to see a way out.

My partner is not the only man I know who has had that many children. We've made friends with another man who had 7 children, all of whom he loves, and who was miserable because he was gay. He thought each child would make him straighter, and it didn't work.

The only thing you could do is to find yourself a boyfriend or partner that will be devoted to you and just to you, if that's what you're looking for, or help your 6-kid man to free himself from his current situation, maybe? But that will be hard to do, whatever decisions you both make.

Finally, don't do the unthinkable, because this is a lesson for you to learn from, not a lesson that should end in anyone dying. Take care of yourself. Get tested and come back with some clean results. Just don't do anything sexual with him without the adequate protection, if your sex play requires it. And remember that every cloud does have a silver lining.