What Would You Do?

[NotCommon]

So, I really need some third party advice on my unique relationship with this guy that I like. We have known each other for about a year, we haven't had sex but we've gotten emotionally close. I'm 28 and he is 23. We have been on 3 vacations and numerous dinners but nothing seems to be happening. We wanted to stay friends and not date but we got a little emotional and things swung in that direction. The money we spend is generally mine as I am the one who makes more and has more affluence, but I feel like I might be getting used as he has been with other guys since we started to hang out, as have I, no one can wait forever. I know it sounds terrible but I feel like maybe he has been emotionally manipulating me into giving him stuff. I really did or maybe still do like him, we get along really well. I think that he has a physical hang-up for bears and that might be killing our chances of being together, I usually date twinks myself but I have no compunction with being with him (hes more bearlike). I am really afraid of being hurt by this and have no idea what to do. I feel like I should just drop this situation and just move on. Help.

[Memby]

I think you both ought to talk about this face-to-face. This is what I would do in your position. Tell him how you feel. I wouldn't try to gauge his reaction but just ask him how he honesty feels about it. Just talk - that's the first step.

I hope that helps and the two of you can just talk about it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Your situation is not all that unique. A lot of couples get into this place, usually because of unclear communication, not having clear goals and a general unwillingness or 'fear' of actually talking about what is currently on their mind.

From all the clues you have seeded in this post you are the dominant person and he is the submissive person. You are older (ergo wiser - in theory), you are more affluent (thus a provider).

He is into bears - Most guys who want to be with a bear-type guy associate bear with masculine - masculine pretty much means dominant.

Most guys who want to be with a twink are looking for a passive fellow - once again the cover of the book is a huge clue as to what is inside - not always the truth, but a pretty clear clue that is often right.

We wanted to stay friends and not date but we got a little emotional and things swung in that direction.

And how did "We" arrive at this decision?

I wasn't there to observe this conversation but I have a sneaky suspicion that what really happened is you informed him and he played along and followed what you were saying and has played it back to you in order to please you.

You may not have done that intentionally, but you may have left way too many options on the table and appeared to not be that interested in an 'us' with him.

Passive/Submissive types do that - they allow their partner to make choices and decide things and they follow along. Yes the dominant party usually thinks that our conversation was of two equals - well no, that is rarely the case. Passives rely on trying to read their partner because more often than not a dominant fellow attempts to be as inclusive to the choice as possible, thus leave way too much room for questions that a passive person will not point blank ask for clarity on.


So what was said exactly? Who lead the conversation and lead 'We' to conclude that being friends is best? Did you formulate your question in a manner that left lots of room to doubt you wanted a relationship at the time? Did you hint more along the lines you wanted to be 'just friends' - if so he may actually be trying his damnedest to give you what you want because its in his nature to try to please you.

When did this conversation happen, was it before or after all these trips? If it was before then most likely he isn't there for the trip he is there patiently waiting for you to decide that there is an 'us' situation.

Yeah be might be emotionally manipulating you, but it may not be for your wallet, it may be for your heart.


I strongly suggest you take charge and set out the options clearly. And the options should not include 'Just friends'.

Tell him you want more than 'just friends' and his choice is to pursue a relationship with you or move along. And don't try to be 'just friends'. Take that option off the table.

You do not have to ask him if he is manipulating you for your money. That will confuse the matter and confuse his reply.

KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid.... Clear black and white choices work far better than many choices with a lot of grey areas.

[NotCommon]

Well, I can answer those questions bowyn. We had the conversation at the beginning of us being friends. I was having a hard time with some of my friends and explained that I needed someone to talk to and a different person in my life. I laid out that I wasn't ready to be with someone at that time, but things changed and I grew to really enjoy the time we spent together doing stuff.

I suppose that I am more of the dominant one that makes plans and does the driving a lot. And, he can be pretty passive and is cool doing what I want. That always makes me nervous though because I do want to hear his input and he comes off as a little quiet to me as a result.

We've already had the discussion about whether or not to be together but he seemed really distant and didn't want to give me a straight answer when we talked about it. I was really forthright and told him what I felt but I might have left too many choices open. I really don't know.

[nfisher1226]

Being distant is exactly what it seems like. He's uncomfortable with where the conversation is going. While you can't really know why he's uncomfortable with it, most of the likely scenarios aren't in your favor.

What you need is a straight answer to the question, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me?". You can only get that from him. I'd say that you're either going to have to pry it out of him or else give up and more on.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well, I can answer those questions bowyn. We had the conversation at the beginning of us being friends. I was having a hard time with some of my friends and explained that I needed someone to talk to and a different person in my life. I laid out that I wasn't ready to be with someone at that time, but things changed and I grew to really enjoy the time we spent together doing stuff.

I suppose that I am more of the dominant one that makes plans and does the driving a lot. And, he can be pretty passive and is cool doing what I want. That always makes me nervous though because I do want to hear his input and he comes off as a little quiet to me as a result.

We've already had the discussion about whether or not to be together but he seemed really distant and didn't want to give me a straight answer when we talked about it. I was really forthright and told him what I felt but I might have left too many choices open. I really don't know.

If he is this passive he may not know what to do.

Its real difficult for a passive person to give an opinion because they are predominately going to want to please (even appease) their partner. This can even be a bit co-dependent. <--- that link is the short list of possible tendencies and behaviors of a co-dependent person, but remarkably they also can all be applied to most passive/submissive individuals. I would link you to a few sites on submissive behaviors, however the word is pretty loaded with BDSM now days....

He is in doubt. He has you in part, and was content (maybe not happy) with the situation, now suddenly it is changing. He most likely fears on one level or another that you are playing with him.

I still suggest you approach him on this again. Be firm with him and set it out with few options/choices.

He is most likely confused and uncertain and is in need of someone else to decide this. Maybe even needs you to take this bull by the horns and actually "order" him to be your partner....

Yeah a strong stance, a decisive 'This is what this is, there are no more questions' may be what he is looking for even needing.

I am not him, so I have no real idea what is really going through his brain.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I think BA has given you the in-depth answer. Here is my quick feedback for you.

It seems to me he is using you, however I don't think he's doing it consciously, I think its just a situation that has been allowed developed, probably at your instigation (i.e. Who asked who on the 3 holidays, and whose inviting who out for dinner?)

Here's what I would do, that should give you a very clear message about where the relationship is or is not going:

Take a step back, and wait for him to call you and suggest dinner or a movie or whatever. If and when that happens, make it clear that you have/had some big bill incoming, and that you can split the bill, but not pay for him outright.

If (and my feeling is that may be a big IF) he calls you to arrange, then thats the point to a) Make it clear your not paying all, and b) Have the bigger discussion about where the relationship is going, if anywhere.

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[Garystampa]

In my opinion, if it's not going anywhere, it's not ever going to go anywhere. Whenever I try to be "intellectual" about a relationship I always end up dissatisfied.

[MisterTinkles]

If you feel strongly for him, and you believe he may want to pursue a relationship with you, then you need to have a "yes and no" conversation with him.

Have an indepth, focused talk with him. BUT....this is the important part.....DO NOT give him any questions he has to think about to answer. Give him simple "yes and no" questions. Depending on what level of passive he is, he may be incapable of giving detailed answers or explanations of what he wants and what he is looking for.

Asking short, concise, direct questions that can only be answered with "yes" or "no" will help a lot.
It will also let you know where he stands and how he feels.

You need to figure out what questions you want to ask him ahead of time, and how you are going to ask them, in order to get a "yes or no" answer.

You can also play the "what if" game.
"What if" you won the lottery? What would be the first 5 things you would do?
"What if" you had a chance to move someplace else, where would it be?

You can ask a few of these types of questions also, as they are not usually perceived as intrusive questions, so he may not get defensive about answering them and become quiet in regards to answering them. This will help you figure out what he believes he is needing, wanting, or looking for in his life at this point in time.

Subtly is the operative word here. You can be too "in your face" or blatantly obvious with personal questions on passive/quiet people. You have to "beat around the bush" as it were.
Takes some time to get the information you want, but if you take your time and dont rush it all, you will get your information.