Totally confused in my relationship...

[hexogen]

Hi Guys, I'm not very experienced so I hope you can give me some piece of advice.

We've been dating with my boyfriend for about a year and for the last two months we went through a serious crisis. At first, I noticed that his passion for me had faded, I thaught I didn't attrack him very much any more and later I discovered that he'd cheated on me. Although it was a hard time for both of us, we realized that we wanted to stay together and I thought I loved him.

When we discussed the issues of our relationship, one of the things he pointed out was that I'd been too commited to him, that he would like me to flirt with other guys, that he wanted less certainty in our relationship. I understood his point and admitted some mistakes I'd done but I couldn't imagine doing anything like that since he was the only one for me and I was not in a mood to do anything with other guys, especially when I relly missed the passion from him.

And now the problem comes. After some period of pressure from his side I realized that I would have to be less dependant on him, that it was the only way to get rid of the frustrassion. And by coincidence, I attended a party few days ago where I met a guy. We were just chatting till the morning and I experienced again the romance which I'd been missing with my boyfriend for a long time. Finally, I had to tell the guy that I had a boyfriend... He was (no wonder) disappointed and kinda angry. I thought it was all. But now I still have to think about him. I cannot get him out of my head.. But I feel that I want to be with my boyfriend, especially now, when the things are slowly getting better and we both work hard on our relationship..

I am totally confused now and don't know what to do... What would you guys do? Thanks for your comments.

BTW Sorry for my english I am not an english speaker.

[southbiochem]

First of all: přivítání!..I think that's the word

Second : I dream about visiting Praha!..mile:

To your problem: It's a bit tough...

Cheating is never acceptable....

clearly he wants an open relationship, if he wants a relationship at all, that is..

at least he was honest with you on this...

I'm afraid you'll be needing to ask him if he's ever going to want certainty and monogamy..if not, the healthy thing for you is to end the relationship and look for someone who shares your interest ina a relationship.

I tell you this because I see that you're going to be always suffering about him, cause you'll be wanting him and he will not be corresponding fully..

If you can endure him being with other people and not being fully commited to you, then do it.

If not, save yourself from some pain and look for another guy who wants to be with you and you alone.

Best of lucks mile:

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to GS, and your English is much better than my Czech

You need to sit down with your bf and discuss what you both want out of the relationship. Its normal for relationships to go through periods of difficulty at some point. Good communication is key to survival.

If this other guy is distracting you, then you should stop all contact with him until you have talked to your current bf, then decide what you want to do.

Good Luck,

ObW
X

[hexogen]

Hi,
first of all thanks for a warm welcome. Where did you learn Czech?

I considered all possibilities and tried to think at least a bit rationally... And I concluded that we couldn't stay together with my boyfriend. That in certain aspects we are simply incompatible. So we broke up... But although he was very disappointed we agreed on staying friends. So at least It has a relatively possitive ending...

Thank you very much for your advice.

[southbiochem]

Hi,
first of all thanks for a warm welcome. Where did you learn Czech?

I considered all possibilities and tried to think at least a bit rationally... And I concluded that we couldn't stay together with my boyfriend. That in certain aspects we are simply incompatible. So we broke up... But although he was very disappointed we agreed on staying friends. So at least It has a relatively possitive ending...

Thank you very much for your advice.

well, at least you ended it on good terms...

now go look for someone who will be right for you..mile:

(eeeh...that, "ahoj" and "děkuji".....is all I know of Czech....from a Czech dude I knew in college, who was visiting.....and that and Serbian "zdravo" are the only things I know about Slavic languages...:p...without having to look for a translator..)

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I can't see a place where there is being too committed, loyal, giving, whatever to a partner can exist. To me its like saying 'oh you are too committed to your foot, cut it off and give it a rest.'

I think dependency on your partner, especially emotional dependency is where a relationship should be - sort of like you are dependent on that foot to walk around. Why? Because I and you become 'Us' or 'We'. I have no idea what sorts of cute phrases for married couples you have in the Czech R, here in the states we refer to our mate as our 'better half', ye old ball and chain, and various other things that indicate a closeness and wholeness that two people becoming one signifies.


I think you are of that mindset as well and your partner doesn't see a relationship as two halves of a whole becoming one, but two individuals who happen to share the same space when it is convenient to one of them (and its not your convenience he is thinking about).

I assure you, you change who you are to meet his needs, his needs will change demanding more change from you.

Your partner wants the freedom and chance to explore being a single gay male in this world at the same time he wants a butt-buddy who is steady to do god only knows what - cook for him, tend his house, do his laundry, clean up after him, be there when the Grind'r or whatever app he is using is off line????

I'm not seeing any love from him in your direction, I see an opportunist who is keeping your around for his convenience. That ain't love.

This relationship is convenient to him, but not all together convenient because you are clingy, committed, loyal, expecting him to be monogamous and all of those other 'horrible' things (which many guys are dying for so it must not be that horrible). Thus he demands you change to meet his needs - where is he changing to meet YOUR needs?

This 'problem' you have - isn't a problem at all. It is a wake up call to you that your NEEDS and wants are not being fulfilled in the relationship you are in. You have decidedly romantic notions about what 'Us' (a relationship) means and those needs are being denied and starved, worse you are being made to feel less than because you have those needs and your partner is telling you that YOU need to change, instead of his seeing you have needs and rise to the challenge of filling those needs.

Would you deny your partner his feelings? Would you not desperately try to meet his needs? - Oh wait you are by denying your own needs.. Is he actually doing that for you? If not then do you think that he is actually capable of providing you the love you deserve?

No you do not feel he is capable, thus you are easily enamored of another man who can spark the hope that love is possible, that your needs can be filled and all sorts of other things.

Look you are a good guy, you have nice romantic notions and most likely a heart full of love that some guys would kill to have in a partner. Dependency on your partner isn't really that bad - especially emotional dependency - we are a species that are designed to cleave to another:

cleave 2 (klv)intr.v. cleaved, cleav·ing, cleaves 1. To adhere, cling, or stick fast.
2. To be faithful: cleave to one's principles.

We all suffer from loneliness and desire to be with a person its a deep, psychologically profound emotional and all to human experience. We seek to fill that in a partner. So dependency is not just natural, its perfectly ok and sort of the idea behind relationships.

Yes there is codependency which can be unhealthy, and a few other unhealthy character traits which I don't see expressed in your post.



I think you have a well balanced idea of what romance and partnership is supposed to be about and you try to give it to your partner who for whatever reason can't or won't give it back.

Honestly, there are a lot of single gay men in the world who wants a partner to try to be too dedicated to them. Men who would cut of their foot before they would sleep around, men who wouldn't see your need of them and being with them as being something that makes you less than - but actually wants to be needed.

Now I'm not going to tell you to leave what you got - but I think you need to seriously consider what time it is in this relationship and seriously consider what it is you need from and in a realtionship and consider that there are other men in the world who most likely can and will fill those needs.

[Jordi]

Maybe your boyfriend is the kind of person that feels uncomfortable without some space and uncertainty. It might not necessarily mean that he doesn't lust you, but it all depends on the two of you and your personal relationship.

The only thing to do is talk to him about it. Once again, it's hard to offer advice because every relationship is different. I can only talk about what I would do in mine. If I were in your shoes, I would have a very honest conversation. Tell him that you met this guy, that you felt those romantic feelings again. You should be able to talk about anything with someone, especially that you're with, and not be judged for those things. Just be open and honest and patient with each other ^^

All the best!

[hexogen]

Thank you guys once again.

Since we broke up, I feel much better, without frustration and I can look for someone with better match. The only thing I regret is how it happened and that he is suffering now, which was not my intention. But there wasn't any other way...

Good luck to all of you.

[ExpatBrit77]

Ahoj a mluvis anglicky moc dobre,
Sorry I didn't see this before now.....
Suffice to say, he didn't deserve you, I'm sure you'll find some one else who fits you better
All the best xxx