What Should I Do?

[chokiemilk21]

Hello, I haven't been on here for a while but today i'm going to tell you something that i've been meaning to since I started.

I'm in love with my friend ,who's obviously a guy, but theres two problems. One i don't know if he feels the same way or is even gay or bi and two he has a girlfriend.

The problem with his girlfriend is that since he started going out with her i've noticed something no one else has which is he always looks less happy and less "full of life". It makes me feel concerned.

I guess the questions are:
How do i find out if he's gay?
How do i find out whats going on with him?
And what should i do to get to asking these questions without him finding out i'm gay myself?

Please help its been going on for at least 2 years now!

[James]

There is no good way to find out for sure, even if you asked, he may deny it even if it should turn out he is. We all come out when it is our time, I know some who gay bashed when they were younger, only to come out in later years.
From your post I guess that you are not out yet due to your own personal circumstances, so just be a friend and wait to see, James

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is no round about way to find out if someone is gay.

You need to ask him, and you should seriously contemplate coming out to him and others as hiding our sexuality leads to interesting (although sad) situations such as crushing on a guy who is already in a relationship.

BTW he is in a relationship - any guy in a relationship should be considered forbidden and untouchable thus unattainable. Bi/Gay/Straight it doesn't matter he is in a committed (well lets hope its committed) relationship and the last thing a relationship needs is a third person putting stress on it.

Reverse it and put yourself in this place. Would you be amused to be in a relationship and find out that your mates buddy has the hots for your mate? Most likely you would find that situation intolerable an untenable.

Respect HER and HER relationship.

[southbiochem]

As long as there's a girlfriend involved....you can't directly ask him anything...

if by any chance he is bi or gay and in the hiding..that puts you 2 in the same situation...so how could you tell?

the only thing you can do is stay a friend to him and don't let your emotions get in the way of that..

it will be easier for him to confess anything should there be anything to confess to begin with, if he has a friend to talk to..

in the end, if nothing can happen with this guy, you'll get over it...at your age there are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and it'll be easier on you once you are comfortable enough to come out

good luck!

[Vigilias]

I think this is more a case of you projecting your wishful thinking on to this guy - sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but it happens.

You have no evidence at all that he might be gay save your own biassed observations.

To answer your questions directly:

1: You don't.
2. Unless you have access to the resources of GCHQ, you can't.
3. You can't - not without exposing your own sexuality.

Are there any LGBT people nearer your own age whose company you could join? What about a Gay Youth Group. I found the following Facebook page which may help:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/qylse/

If you go at your friend like a wrecking ball you'll damage your friendship. Maybe when you've gained a little more confidence in your self and your sexuality you can come out to him and see what happens then.

Time and patience will be your rewards - you're only 16 yet, you have lots of time for boyfriends, breakups, and all the rest of the gay dramas that come our way - they'll meet you more than half way, why go rushing to meet them?

Let us know how you get on with the youth group thing - if it's for you and if not we'll put our collective resources together to try and help further.

Good luck!