Indian/Desi gay men non-committal?

[DinDin]

Hi All

I am an Indian gay man here in US; I always knew I am gay since I was 14-15 and was content with it. I recently came out to my parents after the usual Indian arranged marriage talks came up. My parents have remarkably accepted me well.

I plan to get married (same sex marriage/LTR) to a relationship-oriented gay man here in US. I prefer a Desi/Indian gay man here in US, just coz we would be of same culture. I've also registered at a couple of gay dating sites. I have spoken to quite a few good decent educated Indian gay men and while we've had a lot in common with respect to lifestyle, culture, expectations, coming out, family pressures and issues, etc., what I fail to understand is everyone wants to take it slow. They want to just be friends and keep their options open and just expect the perfect man/prince to come and sweep them off their feet etc. etc.

I hope we all find our perfect mates but perfect doesn't exist, let's be realistic. If one keeps his options open for long and chooses to remain in dating phase forever, age wouldn't stop incrementing and then? I mean, I have no right whatsoever to convince them to change their views. But I am in early 30s now and if I am unable to find my partner in a few years then I might be too old for marriage and who knows, I might not even contemplate marrying. Not that there's an age for love but why not to make a relatively sensible decision at the right age and settle with a decent partner who may not be perfect as your dreams but one who is loving, honest and ready to adjust with you. No two people can be alike and any marriage, be it straight or gay/lesbian is about 2 people who like each other (and may be love each other to some extent) to live together, share the pains and joys of life together and be with each other and support each other for life, right?

My issue is how to find a partner who thinks like me and why are all the gay men I'm meeting online differ from me so much and just want to be friends. I haven't registered on the gay dating sites for just friends. Surely, I can start with friends but eventually it has to come down to dating unless one of us dislike each other for any reason.

Why are Indian gay men in US so non-committal?

My post was long so thanks for reading it. No vicious/negative comments please.

[MisterTinkles]

Dont know. I can only "guess" that they arent restricted by hate laws and violent mobs attacking them and killing them, as they are in India/Middle East......so they dont think they need to have their freedoms restricted by any one single person. But thats just a guess on what Ive seen and heard over the past few years.

Also, I have noticed in adult films, that Indian/Middle Eastern men have absolutely NO emotion when having sex. Its like its just a basic functionary act of some sort. They just "do it" and thats it.
Hell, they dont even breath hard!!!! No noise what so ever, no talking, no nothing but "getting in and getting off". Then its over.

I dont want anybody who is emotionless. What a depressing relationship that would be.

[Woollyhats]

The wanting to stay friends could be a few things, from a polite way of indicating disinterest, to a desire to find someone compatible in personality and bed, and indicative of people who don't want to settle down. It could also indicate that someone hasn't come out yet --- even people who have told you they are out might not actually be out.

I think wanting to stay friends for awhile, and take it slow, is a good idea. I do think you probably need to define your relationship shortly after sex, if there's going to be one, so personally I wouldn't have sex for the first month to make sure I actually know who I'm dating. Some people will find that ridiculous, others will find it a good idea --- but I bothered to mention this just to suggest that taking it a little slow is not that bad.

That's different than being put on indefinite hold though - if that's what happening it might help to know that when you find the person you want to marry (and he won't be prince charming, there will be doubts, but overall you'll still know), you will know who it is. All of these people who want to stay dating indefinitely and keep their options open --- these are not people of the same relationship goal as you, so you can filter them out and keep looking.

And there are precious few people who are so compatible as to be marriage compatible with most individuals - but if you want marriage you have to trust that you'll find one. In the meantime, dating is okay, but if you're dating and the other party has no interest in going any further, know that it's time you stop trying with that person.

You will find that,

1) They realize they don't want to lose you.
2) You filter out another person that wasn't interested in you in the first place.

Realize though that wanting to just be friends for a period before a serious relationship/marriage is actually a good idea, you're going to be with the person you marry for decades, and you want to like them.]

But that doesn't mean putting your life on hold for people that aren't considering any serious life changes. You don't want that, so don't do that. Trust that there's someone out there annoyed with the same things as you, and that you are compatible with them.

[NerdyGiant]

Hmmm... I've never really thought about Indian gay men being like that. That is interesting.

But in regard to dating/relationships, it is best to take things slowly to get a sense of a person. Everyone is always on their best behavior in the beginning, only time shows what someone can truly be like

And also, don't just think that a gay guy you become friends with will be potential dating material. Sometimes certain people are better as friends than partners, and everyone needs friends

Hope you find your guy but don't rush into anything, it wouldn't be fair to you and him and you want to try and develop something that is as close to forever as it can be. Take your time because you will never be too old for love.