here it goes

[Ed1215]

As I have said in my introduction , this Is hard for me I have been hiding my true self for yrs . when I was younger in my teens I knew I was gay had a boyfriend for about a year and yes he was my first , was not interested in girls at all (other then friends). But growing up in the town I did you kept things to yourself (very small town), or you could end up hurt really bad , people always questioned me but I would deny anything . So when I graduated I had two choices military or college , didn`t feel like going to school ( now I regret it ) so want military , it is hard trying to hide that you are gay in the military so I tried being straight started dating women but they didn`t do anything for me sure I can get hard and such but need some drinks first and its just like going thru the motions no real pleasure .
I did have one girlfriend about 18yrs ago that was cool she would bring guys home and such she knew I was at least Bi we got along good until her drug habit got worse . then I decided to go back in the military this time Navy just to see the world got my wish and also found out it was easier to hide the fact I liked men . Also in my travels I found out about transgender . dated one in Spain it was great but had to come home and of course act straight again cause family and the area I lived in so I met a woman who later become my wife ,now same thing just going thru the motions well low and behold a condom broke and I was going to be a father .well I got called back up to go into Kosovo , my son was born while I was there .. came home then Iraq started I just kept going back over till I got injured .. now the issue is the whole time I have been with her I have had sexual relations with men and love it I get pleasure and feel like myself and happy when I am with a guy or transgender person .. so now have decided to come out and be myself for once and make myself happy .. but its hard I am afraid really don`t know what to do did talk to my sister and here wife about and they said they knew .. I am not worried about my father or mother can care less at this age what they think . but worried about my son and being alone have no clue how to meet other people always had them approach me .. well sorry this is so long just had to get some stuff off my chest .

[Woollyhats]

You're in a difficult situation, a lot of which is such because you're setting your life up one way, while knowing that you yearn to live another way.

The problem here is that you got suckered into a vow of marriage that you can't possibly keep or honor -- but it's important all the same. Make sure that when you come out, you don't throw your wife aside, support her as much as she allows you to emotionally, and if applicable, also make sure that her world doesn't come crashing down financially. Also, don't talk negatively of her, even if she destroys your character, in front of your son. Ever. If you do this, your son will see that you care for and respect your wife very much, while being true to yourself. This will make you seem like a better person in his eyes.

In addition - if it is possible to remain on good terms with your wife, it'll be more likely that you'll stay on good terms with your son. And, at the very least, there's no harm in trying, your son will see that you tried your best.

I don't know how helpful this is, I don't know the dynamics of your relationships... I just know that if you try your best to be a good person in coming out, and the likely break up that will happen, that your child will respect you more for it --- because I do know that when my parents divorced, my father was a vengeful hateful entity, and it destroyed his relationships with everyone around him, and worsened a lot of personal issues that he had. Just don't be that person, please.

Next, make sure you're okay financially, obviously. When your life changes at this stage, it costs money (think; possible moving expenses, you may want to switch jobs, legal fees for if you divorce, etc. etc.), so unfortunately having money makes it easier to go through with changing your life.

When you have this all done --- you can focus on learning to date. It's harder for older people obviously (even if your are straight), but not impossible by any stretch. You can get involved with lgbt groups (which will help you with all of your problems while getting you involved with other lgbt people), use dating sites, etc.

I don't know if you wanted any advice, but it's habitual at this point to try to help. It just makes me sad to see stories like this, I feel like I have to 'do something', so to speak...

And always know that you have people to talk to as well, you aren't alone.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Ed,

Well I mentioned in your introductory post that there are a few of us "oldies" around, and a lot of us have been through similar experiences. Here's mine. (A bit long, but you'll understand why)

Graduated high school (equivalent) when I was 18 and joined the military (Air Force) Knew I was gay before I went in, but figured it was a good place to learn a trade and "cure" my sexuality. Found myself working in sensitive areas and worked myself all the way into the back of the closet, both the doors locked tightly behind me!

This was the early 80's, DADT was non existent and any scandal or rumour around ones sexuality resulted in a dishonourable discharge followed by an immediate mandatory prison sentence (The younger guys of today have no idea what it was like being gay just a few years ago!) I was always ultra cautious about meeting people, and took various security precautions to protect myself from being outed.

When I was around 25, all my old friends from home, and within the forces started gutting married and having kids, and I decided that I was going to do that as well. The pressure to get married was coming from all directions, including military and non-military friends and immediate family, who would question me when ever I was home on leave. My stock cover was always Im too busy being married to the forces to be married to anyone else LoL.

To cut a long story short, met a girl, dated for two years and finally got married at 27. Had two wonderful kids (both girls) and don't regret that part of my life one bit. All the while I was married I tried to be the straight guy and had minimum contact - or opportunity - to meet up with guys. After 15 years of denying to myself that I was gay (it was just a "phase" I went through) I found myself posted to a big city while my wife and kids stayed at home. Suddenly all those years of denial and repression were let loose, which coincided with the late 90's when the stigma around being gay was finally being lifted, and the equivalent of DADT was inplace for us over here. The threats of public humiliation and imprisonment were finally lifted.

For about a year I was gay Monday through Friday, and straight at weekends and holidays. My personal life and public remained firmly separated, probably due to all those years of being in the closet which made me extremely wary of embracing the LGBT community (no gay bars or clubs for me - that was still a step too far)

This double lifestyle was starting to take its toll on me emotionally. I was drinking more, and things became difficult at home. I was hugely unhappy, trapped in a lifestyle of my own making, and I just didn't know what to do about it, with no one to talk to about what I was going through. It was becoming a downward spiral. Wife and kids new something was wrong, but I couldn't tell them what as I knew it would be devastating for everyone involved. This, combined with the growing pressures of work (now fairly senior with almost 20 years service) was going to get messy unless I did something about it.

I came home one weekend, and basically blurted everything out to my wife. The relief was immense, then emotions intense. I took a week off work sick to try and get my head around everything and decide what my next move would be.

That was 12 years ago. A lot has happened since (thats for another time, or message me if you want to know more around the whole family impact stuff)

I retired from the military within 12 months, and have been "out" to everyone since, and in my current gay relationship for just gone 10 years.

I guess my message to you Ed is that its never too late in life to accept and be comfortable with who you are. There is life after coming out, regardless of your age or the situation.

Hang in there, it does get better

ObW
X

PS. Im pretty sure that Wollyhat is 19 going on 50 LoL. A lot of the things he mentions ring true, so plan accordingly if you can.

[jimcrackcorn]

Hi Ed,

I'm one of the local old goats who pop in every once in a while to let folks know I'm still breathing.

Your story about "needing some drinks first" when doing it with a woman resonates with me as I was the same way with women when I was young and single. In fact, I didn't realize I was completely gay until one day I took a girl to a hotel room in the Philippines while I was sober. I was only 18 and when I saw her equipment,,,, I completely lost any interest in her sexually and quickly made my exit. Up until that time,, I had always been liquored up before taking a girl home and was able to do the deed without much thought. After that eye-opening experience while being sober,,, I never slept with a another woman.

Sure hope you and your wife can find a way to stay friends after you tell her how you feel..

Best of luck,
Jim

[Geminize]

.. so now have decided to come out and be myself for once and make myself happy .. but its hard I am afraid really don`t know what to do did talk to my sister and here wife about and they said they knew .. I am not worried about my father or mother can care less at this age what they think . but worried about my son and being alone have no clue how to meet other people always had them approach me .. well sorry this is so long just had to get some stuff off my chest .

Ed, I feel for you. I was 48 when I came out with a boyfriend, 2 years after divorce. I was afraid, as well; mostly about my kids' experience (daughter 17, son 15).

The short story is, all went well. My kids accepted my sexuality, and my friends respected my courage. I have had no trouble meeting men and women (although I must admit, there are fewer I'm attracted to around my age than there were 25 years ago) .

The best thing you can offer your son and yourself is to be true to who you are, and to grow into that truth. It may be messy for a while as you sort things out with your wife. I won't tell you it will be easy, but I believe it will be worth it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I don't know your relationship with your wife, I don't know her and I don't know how well she will take to the notion that you have been having sex with guys on the side. Is that need to know information?

If not, then I say focus on the sexual orientation side of things. Do cover your premarital situation (details are not needed) that you know from previous (before the marriage) experience that you are gay. Even explain why it is you married and did the whole attempt at straight life.

Kübler-Ross Model (5 Stages of Grief) apply to any situation where something ends - and the stages will apply with your ending your straight life and coming out gay.

Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and then Acceptance. Your wife, your son, your parents, your friends and all of those around you will go through these stages in their own way.

You are going to be in a catch 22 situation. Understand the Wife, the Son, the parents, the friends and other family members know you are straight, after all you made that clear by siring offspring by getting married by being a 'normal' man in a 'normal' life. once it sinks in that you lied to them about your sexuality they are going to jump to the next logical question: If you lied to me about your being straight, then what else have you lied about?

This sense of betrayal is going to cause the most harm here and will lead to the ugly side of things more than your being gay.

I would suggest you find a therapist and talk this one out with a professional BEFORE you come out, they can ask the million and one questions to get an insight to what your family life and wife and son are like and hopefully give you better tools to break this news to your family without it being a horrible thing for them.

You will most likely need that therapist to help get through what is going to happen when you come out.

You said Sister and her wife - I assume that means your sister is part of the LGBT community.... Well she may be a good person to cling to while you do this whole straightening out 43 years of myth that you have behind you.

As for dating - that should not be on your list of priorities at this time. Since you are in a monogamous relationship.... Hmmm.... Then I can only assume you are still married.

You need to get a divorce, and set that part of your life behind you before you start looking for a new partner.

And after the marriage, I strongly suggest you take a year off of dating/relationships to get a handle on who YOU are as an individual. Leaping into any relationship quickly from divorce is not going to end well. This sudden 'freedom' you are going to experience most likely will lead to your doing things you normally wouldn't, and if the 40's are pressing on you hard enough to make you rethink being a straight man, they most likely are going to press you to do other things that is usually called 'Midlife-Crises'.

So again I suggest a therapist, sort of an anchor in an ocean that is about to be hit by a hurricane of change. Not only before you come out of the closet, but to deal with the emotions you are going to have after you come out, through the divorce and then working through at the very least that first year of total freedom which may lead to a lot of not so happy things for you if you ain't careful.