Rate Thread
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Short Scene
#1
Lately I,ve gotten into writing shorts that could be acted out.Below I,ve written a short scene about a guy who seeks revenge on his ex for poisoning said guy,s current boyfriend.I have more to go but check out the main scene and let me know what you think.


{Jonathan goes to his ex Gabriel to confront him about killing Steven.}

Jonathan- You killed Steven.

Gabriel-What,that,s insane.I,m innocent. {Starts backing up}

Jonathan- If you,re so innocent why are you backing away from me.

Gabriel- Because I want you to calm down.

Jonathan- You,re afraid of me aren,t you because you know why I,m here and what I intend to do.

Gabriel- {nervous} I don,t know what you,re talking about. {Gabriel backs up to the dresser and turns away from Jonathan}

Jonathan-{approaches Gabriel} Why did you do it Gabriel? {Jonathan then turns Gabriel around and grabs him by both arms}

Gabriel- {pleadingly} Because I love you Jonathan.I didn,t want anyone coming between us.

Jonathan-[angrily} You took away the most important thing in my life.

Gabriel-I,m sorry Jonathan.

Jonathan-Sorry,I,m afraid it,s a little too late for that.{pause} However I do believe in an eye for an eye and since Steven is dead that means that you too must die.{Jonathan then starts to bend Gabriel over the dresser}

Gabriel{terrified} No Jonathan please.

Jonathan- {vengefully} Yes my dear Gabriel,all your begging and pleading can,t save you now.

{Jonathan then puts his hands around Gabriel,s throat.Gabriel starts gasping and makes choking sounds with his eyes wide and terrified. Jonathan continues to squeeze Gabriel,s neck and Gabriel ,s hands start to fall from Jonathan's chest .Gabriel's body starts to go limp and Jonathan releases his hands from Gabriel's neck.Gabriel's body slowly slides down the dresser and falls to the floor dead,eyes fixed and staring.Jonathan has a look of satisfaction on his face and he crouches down to look at Gabriel.He the gets up and starts to leave.}

{Meanwhile Jonathan's friend Greg arrives because he found out that Jonathan knew about Gabriel's crime and feared Jonathan would take matters into his own hands.Greg then hears footsteps coming from the bedroom and then he sees Jonathan come out.Jonathan is surprised to see Greg}

Jonathan-Greg,what are you doing hear?

Greg-Jonathan,I had a feeling you would come here and I tried to stop you before you did anything crazy.

Jonathan-You're too late Greg.He's dead.

Greg-{shocked} You killed him?

Jonathan-Yes,I strangled him.

Greg-But why Jonathan,you could have went to the police and they could have locked him up.

Jonathan-That wasn't enough Greg.Gabriel deserved to die.But that poses another problem.You're the only one that knows about this and I want to be able to trust you.

Greg-Jonathan,I'm your friend.I admit that I don't agree with what you did but I wouldn't rat you out honest.

Jonathan-You're right Greg,you have been a loyal friend to me and I do trust you.

Greg-Let me help you with this Jonathan.

Jonathan-Yes,I will let you help me.It's only a matter of time before Gabriel's body is discovered so we have to find a way to dispose of it.

Greg-I could wait till the middle of the night and bury it deep in the woods.

Jonathan-Very well,now lets not linger here any longer.You will come back for the body tonight.

{They then exit and when the hour is right Greg buries Gabriel's body.He and Jonathan then make a pact to keep this secret between them for the rest of their lives.

The End.


OK Guys,I'm open to hearing all your thoughts on my story.It still has to be polished up a little but I'd like to know what you think.Imagine it being acted out.
Reply

#2
I quite liked it… it does need a polish.

When jonathon says to gabriel "you killed steven" and gabriel says "im innocent" Its just not legitimate dialouge.

Sometimes less is more… gabriel saying "what, thats insane" is all thats needed.
Reply

#3
Gabriel - what, thats insane, I DIDNT KILL ANYBODY

Jonathon - then why are you backing away.
Reply

#4
Thanks Partis,love the feedback and helpful hints. Love to hear all opinions.This would be wild acted out.for short film.
Reply

#5
I love comedies.
Reply

#6
I liked it and very intrigued to find out what happens/happened but I will say that when Jonathan was strangling Gabriel it didn't seem like Gabriel put up much of a fight which to me made it less believable however I guess it is just the script it would be up to the actors and the director to get this across to the viewer...
Reply

#7
Love hearing you guys thoughts.Keep em coming.
Reply



Related Threads…
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Disc of Love (gay short film) princealbertofb 3 2,212 08-14-2015, 12:10 AM
Last Post: ceez
  Just a Scene that is scorching hot... princealbertofb 4 1,321 05-20-2012, 10:56 PM
Last Post: princealbertofb

Forum Jump:


Recently Browsing
1 Guest(s)

© 2002-2024 GaySpeak.com