Relationship Turbulence - Need Help

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm. I guess I did fail to make that clear.

I'm working under the assumption he is typical male, and if he is having problems in the sex department he may be unwilling to talk about it or seek professional help directly, so perhaps a more round about approach will ease him into a situation where if it is emotional/mental he can get help without feeling he is emasculating himself.

Men and their penises - usually quite a silly relationship. :biggrin:

[EvenOlderButWiser]

There seems to be two fundamental issues mentioned within your post:

1. He is a top with no desire to fulfil a bottom/versatile role.
2. His lack of sex drive.

As there is a natural break coming up when you go off to school - and Im assuming its some distance from where you currently reside - then perhaps rather than have a discussion about forcibly reducing your own sex drive (Which in all honesty I think will cause more issues for you personally) you should be having a discussion about what the separation means for both of you, and whether a more open relationship is the right thing for you or not.

Maintaining any relationship is about making compromises, however given that you have obviously tried numerous times in the past to discuss this issue with your partner, I feel this desire to reduce your own sexual needs may be a compromise too far.

You don't mention what the age difference is between you both, however your 23, NOT 63. Your supposed to have a perfectly normal healthy desire to be sexually fulfilled more than once or twice a month.

Has he always had such a low sex drive, even at the start of the relationship?

If the answer is yes, and assuming he is within a +10 year age difference then there may well be underlying medical or psychological reasons why he is the way he is, and one that he has not felt he can discuss with you (sexual history for example?) This is an area where expert advice is needed, and not one where you should rely on the unqualified opinions of other GS members, well mean thing as they may be of course.

If the answer is no, then something fundamentally has changed in his relationship towards you, and you need to be honest with each other in order to identify that. At its most simplest, he's fallen out of love with you.

The point about him being a top. Well its a little late in the relationship to start complaining that he's not versatile enough. Im a top, always have been and always will be. Thats not going to change. So I completely get his reluctance to bottom. All Im saying is that that particular issue should have been discussed 2 years ago because if there is a basic incompatibility between what you both want physically, then you are both deluding yourselves that the relationship is going to be a long term one.

You really only have two options in my opinion:

1. Discuss you moving away, leading to a more open relationship on your side, which would allow you to fulfil your basic needs, and as a consequence his as well.
2. Break off the relationship, using the move away as the primary reason - it will also be much easier for both of you to cope with as you will no longer be living close to each other, so you have the space to cope individually without fear of stumbling into each other at some point.

Whatever you decide, I have respect for you in that your trying to do the right thing for him. However sometimes you need to think about what you need.

Good luck,
ObW
X

[chaz]

Wow, do you know how common this is in relationships no matter what side they bat for? We each have our own sex drive and you are wise not to want to reduce it to match your bf's. Two years is a long time and during that two years I guess, at least in the early stages, you were at it like rabbits. If that is the case, what made it change? A young guy who only wants it a couple of times a month likely has issues about it, or something else that dulls the desire that should be bringing his dick up like a broom stick when you even hint of sex. Maybe that is what you need to find out, but maybe that is what he is reluctant to talk about or even chooses to deny. I have to say that communication, real open and honest stuff, is the key to making a relationship work, assuming all the other ingredients and essential qualities are in place and working. Sharing a problem or difficulty, no matter how difficult it might be for the other to comprehend or understand, should be one that we should all embrace in such a scenario, because only then we can find a solution, compromise or ways to accept that is how it's going to be. And in doing do, the one listening to the problem needs to listen and not go on the defensive, for if it's being said calmly outside of conflict and argument, then for the sayer, it sure is real enough. Without going into the details of sex (as if we need to), the human body does not always do, act or behave as we would want and if we don't stay on the ball, sometimes our body is not the best place for another to be. I say that only because something, somewhere might be irking at your bf and if it's just the sex thing, you both need to explore it fully so that things don't eat away at you from the inside. The bottom line is that if the love and the bond that you both share is not equally mutual, staying the course for the long term hardly holds promise, a very sad fact of life, but especially so when two guys like yourself have each other.

[Ceruleaan]

I'm beginning to think the roundabout way might be the best option. Perhaps, at the very least, bringing up the idea of couples therapy and a medical check-up might be a good way to alert him to the reality of the problems. I agree, a silly relationship indeed!

As for the sex drive issues. They weren't nearly as big an issue earlier in the relationship, and my guess is that the sex drive issue is a primarily a medical issue related to work stress, bad sleeping patterns, etc. I've discussed those issues with him before, but in all honesty, the stress is not going away anytime soon as we are both in the early stages of our careers. That being said, my primary aim, at this point, is to get a dialogue going and see where we stand; something I have been unable to do so far. I'm hoping all this advice is going to help put me on the right course!

As for the sex role incompatibility, while I do find it annoying, I am well aware that he's not going to be able to change in that department. I don't expect him to do something he doesn't want to, but in the same way as with the other issues, I would at least like to be able to have a conversation about it.

Lastly, as for the moving away as a natural break, I agree that it might be a good way to try and put a cap on some of these issues. Some of you mentioned the idea of an open relationship, which he and I have discussed a little bit already. He does seem very uncomfortable with the idea, and I have my own reservations as well. I suppose I feel that if there can be no compromise at all then the relationship is probably not long-term viable to begin with. Again though, the question comes back to dialogue. How do you really open up the idea of an open relationship as more than just a passing comment?

Thanks a lot for all the advice everyone.

Ceru

[Complicated]

I think this situation depends completely on you. He seems to be satisfied sexually from what Im reading. You, on the other hand, do not. The moving away will strain your relationship but you have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth it and if you want to work through that. I dont think the open relationship is a good idea its kind of a step backwards in my opinion. So as I said it depends on you. Are you willing to accept the things you cannot change about him? By the way the whole twice a month sex drive is BS. There is probably an underlined meaning to him only wanting you in that way twice a month. Ask him what turns him on n be that (much simpler said then done). I guarantee his drive will align with yours in no time haha

[Bravo]

dude, there was one time I spent over a year and a half with no sex. and the last one before that period the girl had to take off before I climaxed.

Bottom line: it could be worse hahaha

[Ceruleaan]

@ Complicated, thanks for the advice. I agree that the moving away will likely strain things, and I am trying to answer the question if its worth going on, if you have more to add on that front, I'd be appreciative.

I also agree that the twice a month thing seems like bs. He masturbates a lot, particularly when I'm not around, so I know he likes to get off more frequently than he lets on. That being said, as indicated by my previous posts, I tend to prefer the idea of reducing my own sex drive than changing to meet his needs. I have already given a lot of ground in terms of giving him what he wants at my own expense, and the more advice I get on here, the more I feel like it is a question of looking into couples therapy than me continuing to change to suit his needs.

I have tried to open dialogue with him on these issues many times before and gotten nowhere, and I feel like I have given him ample opportunities to say if there is some issue with him not being interested with me; and if so, what that (or those) issues are.

I think part of the reason I am looking for advice, is that I am beginning to become less willing to deal with things the way they are, because regardless of change on my part, things are not improving. My main questions remains how to effectively open a dialogue, seeing as I have failed to have any success doing so thus far.

Thanks again for the advice everyone!

Ceru

[Complicated]

To address the worth it part ask yourself: 1. Does he generally make you happy? 2. Do you both want to continue to work at that relationship? and 3. Are you on the same page in terms of the future of your relationship?

Your probably wondering how to initiate a conversation like this haha. Honestly we can give you the dialogue all day but if you dont make up in your mind to convey the importance of these conversations through your actions he's going to keep brushing you off no matter how good the dialogue starter. In my opinion you need to get a little more assertive (easier said than done I know) and the words will come to you in the moment trust me. Try "We need to talk" that has always worked for me.

also you gotta think....I dont know how your relationship works and I may be wrong but you could be wasting your time completely. Me personally, If I come to you with concerns about our relationship and you brush it off that in itself is the answer to if you care.... but that may not be the case.

By the way... Dont change anything about yourself specifically for him. Its a relationship you are suppose to grow and change together.... naturally.