Dating again after a breakup

[tattiemuncher]

Hello everyone.

I've been single now for roughly 2 and a half years after my last long term relationship ended. It was over suddenly with no real explanation or closure from the ex. This tore me up inside for a long while but I'm over it now.

I've enjoyed being single for a while. Not having anyone to answer to, sitting around in my boxers all day not giving a crap about having looking presentable all the time. Problem is that I think I've become too comfortable with this arrangement. However, when I look at my friends relationships/marriages, it just seems like so much effort. Some of them also seem to be in relationships for all the wrong reasons. They're either too scared to be alone or have just accepted who they're with. While puts me off even more!

Even online dating seems to be a bit of chore. Struggling to make the effort to send a decent reply to someone who's messaged me.

I'm in a bit of rut and need some advice to help me get out of it. I keep thinking that it's down to the demise of my last relationship. I loved the guy with my heart and soul and I'm probably comparing what I had to anyone new who shows an interest.

Any suggestions/advice would be very much appreciated! Feel free to ask any questions. I'll be as honest as I can.

Cheers

[southbiochem]

First, you need to go out there only if your fully healed or as close as it gets..the fear of getting your heart broken again will undermine your efforts if you dont't.

comparing new guys with the last one will constantly undermine you efforts too..

Are you sure you have let the last one go?

If he's still has this kind of power over you, you will sabotage all attempts in finding a new relationship, cause no one will compare to him...

and they should't..all men are different..

So, study if you are ready. If you are, then go out there and meet...

yes, it's hell, but if you are patient and persistent, another guy will come soon enough.

Yes, relationships are hard work, but more often than not, they are worth the effort.

You don't have to settle just to not be alone, you have the example of your friends as to what not to do.

Overall don't let what happened to you last time prevent you from putting yourself out there

[tattiemuncher]

Thanks for your reply southbiochem.

I think I'll always struggle with my last breakup because of the way it ended and how I felt about the guy. I know myself that I should never compare someone new to my previous relationships. It's bad for me and it's not fair on them! Guess I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm definitely ready for something new. Nothing better than having the butterflies in your stomach when you're seeing someone you really like for the first few months. I'm just struggling to come up with motivation to do so. Guess it's time to grow a pair and throw myself in at the deep end!

[Merc]

I agree completely with southbiochem

The scariest thing to do sometimes is to let go of a hurtful past and open yourself completely to the possibility of something new. It seems as if you are still harboring a lot of those hurt feelings. That behaviour is quite normal, but it will inhibit your chances of moving forward.

I understand that it's scary to allow yourself to feel vulnerable again, but really try to make peace with the past so that you can focus on the here and now. Know what you are worth and know what you bring to a relationship. It's a quick way to turn that dull spark into a blazing wildfire again.

Hang in there.

[southbiochem]

It's understandable to have the reticence you show towards finding a new one, given how things ended last time. Motivation is a bit hard to find after that.

Most likely you will fear (with good reason) to be crushed again.

You cannot let yourself to be overcome by this...it's hard but keep in mind: someone out there will appreciate everything you have to offer.

Start slow, groom yourself, go out...to a bookstore, to get coffee, on your own...do things that you're comfortable with first.

then invite friends, accustome yourself to be in the "outside world" seeing the people around..

then you start looking for that someone.

(If I may say so, given how handsome you are, it won't be all that hard to get guys to aproach you, and then study them, until you get to meet "him")

best of lucks

[tattiemuncher]

Cheers guys, appreciate the advice

[trywait]

oftentimes, the best relationships have been the ones that started unexpectedly...im not saying im an expert on that but that was just my experience.

and there will come a time, when you meet someone and will realize why it never worked with anyone else

[EvenOlderButWiser]

From personal experience I think the first thing you have to do is regain some confidence in yourself as a person and what you have to offer as a partner.

When a breakup happens, and there is no clear reason or closure, its very easy to become withdrawn and blame yourself for whats happened, which can have a major impact on your self confidence.

The one thing you do need to do is get yourself back "out there" If your not out socialising, at least once a week then the opportunity to meet someone new is much reduced. Don't make the mistake of thinking you will find Mr Right online. Its my opinion that your more than likely to find Mr Right Now online, who is only interested in a quick one-off.

Also, don't be afraid to date and say no. You need to kiss a few frogs before you find Prince Charming ;-)

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If it ain't broke why fix it?

You brought up a lot of valid reasons to NOT get involved. Perhaps you just don't need to be part of an 'us' right now? Its ok to be single.

[tattiemuncher]

Thanks OlderButWiser. Online dating is a bit of a necessity for me. The city I live in does have a gay area, but in all the times I've been there, it's always been full of overly effeminate guys (no offence meant, I just prefer a masculine guy) or it's full of cliques of gay guys who seem threatened when you try an approach one of their group. It's not a big gay scene so it probably doesn't have the broad spectrum of gay guys that some larger cities do. One of my best friends lives in a city with a much larger gay population/scene and has no trouble finding the types of guys he prefers in pubs/clubs.

I've also had some rather odd reactions from guys in my city when I'm out due to the fact that I'm "straight acting". Which is a term I hate but some guys have a hard time believing I'm gay, think I'm bi or just seem put off because I don't act like them. It's very confusing!

But your right in that fact that I need to start putting myself out there and not be afraid to say no after a few dates if it's not working out.

Also thanks Bowyn Aerrow for your comment. I'm generally happy being single and don't feel I need a relationship to somehow validate myself. I've met people like that and it's just sad. I'm not desperate to get involved or anything like that. I just think that I've deliberately steered away from new guys due to the way I was burned with my last relationship. I'm coming round to the realisation that not every relationship will end the same way.

Glad I found this site. Everyone's been very nice and honest!