Some bad jokes...

[andy]

I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "do you have a police record?"
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I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
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My brother was injured while attacking an armoured unit in the Gulf War.
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His Playstation blew up.
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I had a date with Siamese twins yesterday.
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I felt a right dick!
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An English cat called "One two three" and a French cat called "Un deux trois" are arguing over which cat is the best swimmer, so they decide to have a race over the English channel and, of course, the English cat won,
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because the Un deux trois cat sank!
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[sox-and-the-city]

Lolz, heard those before. Here are a few, particularly awful ones:

Watson: 'What do you want a yellow door for, Holmes??'

Sherlock: 'Lemon entry, my dear Watson...'

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Child: 'Mummy, what's an orgasm??'

Mother: 'I don't know, ask your father!!'

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Why's a christmas tree better than a man??

It's always erect, stays up for twelve days and nights. It has cute balls and lookd good with the lights on...

xxx

[Phil]

Love that xmas tree one ^^^^

[Phil]

Patrick swayze has denied rumors that he is going to make a sequel to dirty dancing, however he said he could be making a sequel to ghost in five weeks time...

little April was asleep during class, the teacher decided to try & catch her out & asks "tell me April who created the universe?", when April didn't stir her friend little johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen, "GOD ALMIGHTY" shouted April. a little later the teacher asks her "who is our savior?", johnny prods April again with a pen & April shouts "JESUS CHRIST". the teacher was determined to catch her asleep & asks "what did eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?", johnny again comes to the rescue & jabs April who screams "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, ILL BREAK IT IN HALF & SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!", The teacher fainted.

Two chicks, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and the brunette says, "awww, a dead bird!". The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

[Phil]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."

3 nuns have just croaked, one of them is Mother Teresa.
They reach the Pearly Gates and bump into St Peter.
St Peter says 'Right, none of you are entering unless you answer these questions correctly.
St Peter asks the first nun 'Ok, who was the first woman on Earth?'
1st nun replies ' Ooh, thats easy. It was Eve!'
'You're right. you can go!'
He asks the 2nd nun ' Where did Eve live?'
2nd nun replies 'Ooh thats easy. The Garden of Eden!'
'You're right! You can go'
He asks Mother Teresa 'What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'
Mother Teresa replies 'Ooh, thats a hard one!'
St Peter replies 'You're right! You can go!'

[Phil]

I know it prolly doesn't belong in this thread but i got this in an email a while ago and thought it was pretty funny.....

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ADVICE FOR RECENT ARRIVALS
Dos & Don'ts & More Don'ts for Gay Boy Refugees
by Nate Lippens

So you made it out of that backwater town in one piece. Now comes the hard part--acclimating to a new place and living an openly gay life. Soon enough you will discover which bars cater to your distorted physical ideals, that meth is very bad, and that a deep tan is ugly and pre-cancerous--but what about the other stuff? Here's a cheat sheet to save you some time and trouble.

1. You are not a strong black woman. You never will be.

2. I know it was terrible being the fag in your school/small town/own mind, but don't introduce yourself to people with this information. Being gay is, and should be, the least interesting thing about you.

3. If your mother is the greatest woman who ever lived, keep it to yourself. The holiday orphans don't want to hear it. On the flip side, your family will always be a part of you even if you never speak to them again, but try not to spend your life in reaction to them.

4. Rainbow flags, bumper stickers, and wind socks are no different than Green Bay Packers fans painting their faces green and gold: a complete embarrassment. Pride can be as ugly and warping as shame.

5. Gay life can be empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter. Yes, the gay mainstream is alienating with its cookie-cutter bars, bad dance music, and Queer as Folk. It's enough to make you turn straight. But electroshock doesn't work and Jesus is a sci-fi character.

6. Don't fraternize with people who haven't come out.

7. Your masculinity has most likely been called into question. Anything you do in reaction to it will be a failure. Don't try to prove or disprove anything.

8. There is a difference between being effeminate and being a queen. Being effeminate is just that--being. Being a queen is an affectation. I can't throw a ball, but I don't call anyone "girl," even female children.

9. Avoid she-bonics: referring to each other as Girl, She, and Her. "What's her problem?" That you are an idiot. This includes: Bitchslap, Girlfriend, Shit pussy, Mangina.

10. Don't be a misogynist asshole. Leave the tuna jokes back in your small town with your usage of Jew as a verb. If it weren't for lesbians and feminism, we'd still be sucking cock in truck-stop restrooms. I mean exclusively.

11. I've never been to a bathhouse. No, really. So I can't advise you on it but I do know they are basically a petri dish of STDs. If you are okay with HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and other STDs, by all means fuck your brains out.

12. Do not have black-and-white photos à la Bruce Weber taken of you and your beloved. And if you must, then don't hang them up as "art" in your home.

13. Don't kiss and tell. Or fuck, suck, rim, or fist and tell. Think of your bedroom like Vegas: What happens there stays there. It will keep you from gossiping, which is the true heart of darkness, and will create a sense of mystery. Besides the cruelty of nicknaming someone Princess Tiny Meat (it would make a wonderful DJ name though), it isn't good karma. And what modestly endowed dude who sucks a mean cock is going to want to go home with you after that?

14. Bros before hos. I learned this the hard way: Do not sleep with a friend's ex-boyfriend. Ever. Even if they say they don't care, they do.

15. You are 200 times more likely to be an alcoholic than your straight counterparts.

16. Beauty fades. Develop some inner resources, otherwise when it goes, those of us with less far to fall will laugh at you. To your aging face.

17. Men, like lotto tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same.

18. Romantic friendships will end up being neither.

19. Cultivate friendships with straight men. "But we have nothing in common," you say? Bullshit. You are men. Many straight men are in fact softer and sweeter than their faggoty brothers.

20. Make friends with at least one dyke, you silly faggot. When the shit goes down--for instance your mother dies--fags will drop you in an instant if you aren't fun. Dykes will come to your house with food.

21. Don't make friendships based solely around how outrageous you are. It's a shitty kind of attention.

22. Don't refer to anyone as a fag hag. It's rude. Also don't hang out with fag hags.

23. Don't date people who have scars that are older than you.

24. After all of that, you are still not a strong black woman.

[voice]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady leaned forward and remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.