Boyfriend of 4 years, but I'm not happy

[Adzz02]

Hi all,

I'm gonna keep this short as possible....

Been together nearly 4 years, been on holidays, lived together 2 and half years, have a gorgeous cat together.... But I'm just not happy anymore. I've felt like this since around September and always put it off and things kept coming up like a holiday end of sept, Xmas, birthdays etc. We recently had a pretty big fight and the whole "we're over, move out" thing came around but I couldn't go through with it. This fight wasn't just a shouting match, I actually initiated it but pushing him (can't explain why other than built up stress/upset/anger) which then became something more... Then he slapped me. Nothing other than a red mark, but I still stayed knowing how unhappy I am. I think being only 22 and all this is too much for me at a young age and feel I'm not going to be able to fully live my youthful years if I'm in a relationship. I never experienced the whole experimenting with different guys like he did, I was always I'm serious relationships (1 before him for almost 2 years). I think that's what I'm missing... Is that bad? Wanting 'fresh meat' so to speak? I have recently been sending & receiving nude pics to a guy... I know this is wrong but I feel this is the attention I have craved. I feel like I want to be single, get my life on track, experiment, have more fun... But then I think about what I have got and achieved with my boyfriend and don't want to loose that! I know he'd be devastated (as would I).

Another thing to mention, we are rarely intimate, when we are I pleasure him and I don't think we've had full on intercourse for like 3/4 months!! He feels uncomfortable with himself due to his weight and also suffers from bulimia which I think is another factor to this which I don't feel I'm strong enough to handle anymore...

Anyone have any ideas or advice or been in a similar situation?? Thank you!

[southbiochem]

Oh, yes I remember quite well the troubles you've had with him over his condition.

Honestly, if you 2 are getting down to physical violence, then this relationship is not good for either one of you and it's time to call it done!

Now, I get that you may want to experience things a bit but don't go out there just looking for fresh meat for the sake of a failed relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being relationship-oriented and there is also nothing wrong with wanting less commited things at your age.

Just be careful, VERY CAREFUL, about who you start contacting and don't do it out of rebound. You won't feel any better if you do that.

Give your self the time you need to get over what happened, and then get out there again.

[Tulloni]

Man that sounds like a tough situation to be in.... Also, how will that poor cat cope?!!

Seriously though it's a shame. I went through a massive rough patch towards the end of my first relationship in '08. We argued all the time and although it didn't get violent it was still horrible. I was glad to be shot of him. We're friends now but it's taken ages to get to this stage and even now I rarely speak to him these days.

But you still live with him? You might need to consider moving out, it'll be a lot easier that way. As for the sex thing, well this may not be totally appropriate advice but go for it I say! As long as you're careful you may as well go out and screw guys all night long! You'll feel some release from it (if it's a good sex experience that is; you may have to endure some really bad ones too like I've had!) You'll probably feel better after some of the good ones though.

Anyway I really hope your situation improves. It's just a shame when things like this happen, you build a nice domestic life, work hard, and then BANG! It's all over in the blink of an eye.... I know, because I've been there. I am sure others here have too.

[Edward]

I'll be short - break up. What's the point of being together if you're not happy.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Why do you think relationships are all about happiness?

Who ever filled your head with that little lie needs to be slapped.


The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.... Also on the other side of the fence is stinging nettle and under all of that green are fire ants - a shit load of fire ants.... Sure you want to go over there?

I never experienced the whole experimenting with different guys like he did, I was always I'm serious relationships (1 before him for almost 2 years)

As a near 48 year old man I have only been with 8 guys willingly. 6 were honest attempts at relationships... Well honest for me. 2 were one night stands between relationship 4 and 5 because by number 4 breaking my heart I was seriously considering just using guys to scratch that itch and swear off of the whole 'love and dedication' thing.

I discovered that sex for me required the framework of commitment and relationship.

If you have found yourself in serious relationships only, I got a bad feeling you are sorta like me, hopelessly a romantic who actually needs sex to take place within the limits of a relationship.

But then sex is complex, ain't it? It isn't just raw animal lust and pleasure, there are so many other interesting emotions that are in play.. No? IF yes, then it is those other interesting emotions that you need filled, not just the lust and pleasure.

We all feel like there can be more, or that we are missing out on 'something' when we are in any situation. Honestly, I'm an antisocial person, I hate the scene, but when I am forced to stay at home suddenly I get the urge to go out and party and go to the clubs and be a social butterfly because suddenly I feel like I'm missing something - I'm not, its just the contrary nature of being human.

Fighting - screaming, pushing each other with your nasty, mean words: That is what they call communication. Honestly you are both trying to communicate, sure its not the best form of communication, but it IS communication.

And hating each other is the same coinage as loving each other, because you both still care. In reality if the love is dead you are indifferent - trust me, I am indifferent to my roommate, who was for 14 years my partner in life. Anything happens to him now and I just don't care. The love is really dead.

Every guy you meet will have baggage, luggage, issues and drama.

I laugh at all of those personal ads that insist on finding a mate without 'drama'. That doesn't exist yet... but I understand the field of robotics is on the fast track to building androids that will satisfy a human in bed...

I have been with murderers, drug dealers/addicts, true abusers, psychopaths/sociopaths and various forms of other 'seriously fucked up in the head'. And anyone who is with me is with a manic/depressive person who has a yearly cycle as I didn't just do SAD halfway, I do the whole kit and kaboodle - plus they get PTSD, and a homebody, and a guy who will bluntly tell the truth without remorse.

YOU come with 'crap' attached and anyone who gets in a relationship with you will either have to learn how to deal with it or start drinking oceans of alcohol.

And your catty/bitchiness that can be applied to pushing a guy to slap you will most likely not be tolerated by 90% of the guys who you meet, they will up and leave your ass if you try that with them.

So far I am hearing reasons to split - I hear you saying 'lets throw in the towel, I'm unhappy surely there is a guy out there who will make me happy'....

Well no, there is no guy with a 'gun' (may ways to interpret that) large enough to force you into perpetual happiness.

Either you all learn to work with and deal with the foibles of the other, or you end up an old jaded single queen who has sworn off of men. And don't think that once you are single you are going to be any happier, that is also the other side of the fence - did I mention the fire ants? My God the fire ants man!

I suggest couples counseling. Couples counseling kept my 14 year relationship going pretty damn smoothing for oh 14 years... I learned a lot about my partner, but most importantly I learned a lot about myself. I got to see where I could improve.

Granted there are defects of character I choose to keep, but honestly there were a rather large handful (or three) that I opted to change, get rid of, fix all because we went to CC and were working on 'Us'....

It may work for you... or not....

I doubt you will actually find better. You may find different, but better.... No.

[CellarDweller]

If the situation has turned to physical violence, it is time to run.

[driftwood]

I think being only 22 and all this is too much for me at a young age and feel I'm not going to be able to fully live my youthful years if I'm in a relationship. I never experienced the whole experimenting with different guys like he did, I was always I'm serious relationships (1 before him for almost 2 years). I think that's what I'm missing... Is that bad?...
...I know he'd be devastated (as would I)... we are rarely intimate, ... He feels uncomfortable with himself... I don't feel I'm strong enough to handle anymore...

You sure have a lot on your plate right now, but you need to ignore it all and focus on yourself, and determine what you want. You've only had relationships, and haven't had a chance to sew your wild oats. There are plenty of men who've been trying to establish a relationship for years, but all they ever get is one-nighters. If you leave him, to do the experimenting with different guys thing and then decide that's not for you and you want your relationship back, it'll be too late. On the other hand, maybe you do need to sew some wild oats before you settle down. So that's what you need to determine. All the other stuff you brought up is just noise.

Yeah, you're at a young age, but legally you're an adult, and you're living in an adult world. You need to make choices about how you're going to live your life. You need to ignore all the noise that's going on around you, do some soul searching and determine what you really want.

Once you're certain of what you want, then you can start thinking about this relationship, and what is salvageable out of it. And all throughout this time of soul-searching, make sure to let him know what's going on. Even tell him about the pics. It will help him to understand how serious the situation is, and your honesty will let him know that you value what you've accomplished together, regardless of what you decide.

[Woollyhats]

It sounds unhealthy in that you're having major arguments and he hit you; which sets a precedent for that to continue.

I would say your relationship needs rehabilitation, or that your taking a break or breaking up entirely is not such a bad thing.

Maybe if you want to stay with him in the long run, but can't handle things right now, take a break and work out your problems while being separate, and continue your relationship if you succeed at that. Basically a break.

It's not a happy situation, but the choice to choose is yours. You do have some problems to look at though.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Its a tough call, and your in a difficult situation. Besides that you clearly have a lot invested in the relationship, so although others may be saying ditch him and move on, I know (from experience) that actually going through with that is not as easy as some people make out.

The biggest practical obstacle to splitting up and separating is dividing the assets amicably between both parties. The biggest of course is whose house are you living in, and if its his, have you been contributing financially to the upkeep etc. If your the one doing the moving out, where do you move to? All things that need to be carefully considered before the actual break takes place.

Enough of the practical things. What about YOU. How do you feel?

You describe yourself as a SGM. I assume the guy you are messaging thinks your single as well?

If you and your partner are capable of having a serious 1-2-1 conversation, that starts with you both apologising for what happened, then you both need to clear the air around everything thats going on, both good and bad. If your not capable of communicating how you are both feeling about the relationship, without resorting to shouting and physical violence, then I would honestly asses your chances of maintaining the relationship as pretty slim.

On the other hand, if your actually flirting online with a view to hooking up, then thats a whole different discussion point around whether its ok to cheat on your partner or not.

If you feel that you need some help with the discussion between the two of you, then Relate, the UK counselling service for couples (including LGBT) can offer free or very low cost advice (check out their website for local advice centres) If thats a step to far, just google LGBT relationship advice and plenty of reading material pop up.

What ever you decide, communication between the both of you is absolutely critical while you are both living together, even if thats to sit down and agree that its time to move on.

Your point about not having had the opportunity to "live" before getting into the relationship is a good one, and one that often arises when there is an age/experience gap between couples. The only way you are going to fix that however is to either talk to your partner and agree on a more open relationship, or split up and do your own thing.

I am not going to suggest you just go for it as I think thats very unfair on the other partner, more so as your still living together, and I assume sleeping in the same bed together.

Just remember BA's advice, the grass is definitely not always greener on the other side, so you need to weigh up the pro's and con's of any actions before you initiate them.

Good Luck


ObW
X

[Adzz02]

Hi All, thank you for the advice and support!
I've said to him before, anything in the house (other than my clothes) he can keep. It's stuff we've brought together and I'm able to move back to my parents where he is not. I'd always pay my half of bills & rent until our lease was to run out even if we did split and I didn't live there. I would have to take the car due to it being in my name anyway, but he would get to keep our gorgeous lil cat!

I don't really think a break option would be available... I don't think it's something he would be happy to do. Of course I understand if we were to break, i may find it difficult in the long run to find another committed man and be in a relationship, but I think I would just like to enjoy and experience single life... Since 16, I've pretty much always been with someone. But then we ventured to a gay club the other night, I didn't notice a single guy look at me, yet he has dozens looking, wanting to talk to him etc which does make me feel very worried about being a singleton. Would I ever get some sort of satisfaction from 'pulling'?

I don't think his violence the other night was him, but his bulimia. He has suffered and tried to control this for many years. Along with this, he used to be on anti-depressants. He has said in the past / when we've argued and I've left the house for 15/20mins, he has self harmed before. This causes deep concern as I am worried what he could be capable of if we were to split.

Anyone have any further advice on this? Thank you x