I've known this guy for about 3 years. We first meet online and had a casual meeting. Then we've met off and on since then. I have always wanted to try a relationship with him but whenever I bring it up he indicates he doesn't want a relationship with me. I was happy with "friend with benefits" because I'm attracted to him and enjoy his company, but when I asked him about that he said he doesn't like having sex with friends because it confuses things. So, I was able to accept that and continued seeing him as a friend. I tried not to touch him too much or initiate anything. The thing is, on a couple occasions he has initated something sexual, but then stopped halfway through and put his clothes on saying that's far enough. I found this quite frustrating. I don't know where I stand. I stopped texting him because it was too confusing, but he kept texting me asking how I am and why hasn't he heard from me etc.
I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced something like this before? What should I do?
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Well he clearly likes you and he's containing himself for some reason. You clearly like him.
It's a good thing to not go with the FWB thing. But it's not fair for him to initiate intimacy then!
The obvious solution is for you 2 to get involved.
Which leaves the question you should be asking him: why exactly does he not want a relationship with you?
Talk to him and ask him that and you need to tell him how his action sare making you feel.
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Thanks Southbiochem for your advice. I could try to ask him that question, but part of me doesn't want to know the answer. But I guess it's better to know. Also, he will probably say we've talked about this before and why am I bringing it up again.
Another thing about him, is I've shared a lot of personal information about myself, but he doesn't share a lot personal about himself.
A friend of mine says he's not that great and I should move on and find someone different. I'm quite a shy person, so I find meeting people difficult. I have met a few guys over the last few years, but I always seem to end up thinking of him.
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Your friend is right. You should move on. And if you're shy, that's all the more reason why you should move on. He doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want FWB, but he also doesn't want to be just friends either. Sounds like a classic case of "not being able to come to terms with being gay."
My first inclination would be to say dump him, and stay away from him. But I know you're not going to do that. Like southbiochem said, you need answers. So you need to talk to him. And when he says "We" have talked about this before, remind him "No - I'VE talked about this before. YOU won't tell me squat." Make sure to "tell him how his action's are making you feel."
This guy seems to live in his own vacuum. You and he are opposites, you are relationship oriented. He's not. You're willing to accept that. But he's not even telling you what he is offering. Nor what is acceptable to him. You need to tell him that you are not returning his text messages because you don;t even know who the person on the other end is. Shake him up a little. Wake him up.
He needs to let you into his life. That's something that's very hard for a lot of us (maybe all). But it's indispensable. It's what relationships are all about.
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If he's not shared any personal information over the past three years, then there is a reason for that.
Have you met at his house, or is it always yours or somewhere neutral?
How old is he?
ObW
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Thanks questioning and olderbutwiser.
He's in early 30s. He has shared some information about himself with me, but he keeps it quite brief. When I first met him he said he'd recently got out of relationship of a few years with a guy. So I think he is relationship oriented. There's just something that put him off a relationship with me.
We normally meet at my house. I've only been to his house once. He seemed quite resistant about me going there though.
You are right about him living in his own vacuum. That's what it feels like. I just hate not knowing what he is really thinking.
I think the most frustrating part is when he initiates intimacy but then says he has to go home..it seems cruel to me.
I definitely want to move on, but it's hard meeting people. I'm not sure if I should maintain contact with him as a friend though or am I setting myself up for more disappointment.
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3 years is quite a long time. I think you should probably stop seeing him for about 1 week and see what would happen to him if you are not around him. Maybe he is confused whether he is gay or not, or he do not want monogamy, or he think you may not his Mr Right. You have to find out how important you are in his heart. If he can not live without you, you can go on and ask him what the problem is.
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I see something very concerning about not wanting a relationship and not sharing anything personal with you.
You need to know more. What exactly does this friend of yours know?
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Simple.
Talk to him.
Tell him how confused you are by his actions.
Tell him what you are needing/wanting/looking for.
If he cant deliver that, then give him the option of just being friends, or going you own ways.
Dont have no time for no headgames.
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