Why are there so many gay men single and remain single for a long time

[Baycitybreeze]

I have always been thinking about this phenomenon. While we don't know exactly how much of the gay population is single, there do seem to be a lot of single gay guys and well into their middle age. The ones that I have met are majority single and have no real enthusiastic plans in getting into a relationship.

Why are there so many gay guys single in their late twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, and above? The educated ones often have good career and travel a lot and eat great food. Are we creating and living a genre of lifestyle?

What's your experience and what's your take on this

[Lycanthropist]

I can guarantee it's not by choice. Unfortunately for myself, the only ones I seem to attract are unemployed or kangaroos hopping from one person to the next whether they are with someone or not. It's easier just to be single and keep my feelings and heart intact. I guess it doesn't help that I don't fit the 'gay stereotype'.

[Pix]

Maybe GS should add a "lonely hearts" section...I've lost count on how many here say they don't fit the gay stereotype, if GS was representative of the gay community then the gay stereotype is practically a myth, definitely the exception to the rule. I suppose the stereotypes are too busy at bars & Grindr or working as hairdressers to be on GS...in any case, you don't have to worry about finding the stereotype here (if present then they're generally upfront about it).

[Baycitybreeze]

I can guarantee it's not by choice. Unfortunately for myself, the only ones I seem to attract are unemployed or kangaroos hopping from one person to the next whether they are with someone or not. It's easier just to be single and keep my feelings and heart intact. I guess it doesn't help that I don't fit the 'gay stereotype'.

Though a lot of guys say they are happy being single or that they want to be single. I can see your point of keeping your feelings and heart intact. A bad partner is worse than being single.

[Woollyhats]

Well by your post I am apparently not the norm.. although I guess I'm not middle aged. But then again, most people aren't the 'norm', AKA stereotypes...

I would guess there are lot of different factors that come into play... such as the lower number of people (statistics range from 1-10% on how many people are gay), the difficulty that comes into play when people are closeted. Expanding on the closeted issue, many gays in relationships will never publically tell anyone about their relationships, making even more people appear single. Obviously, the fact that many gays on't want to settle and just want to have sex comes into play too ---- but to be honest, that same thing can be said of many straight people.

Another guess I can make is what many posters are calling the "gay culture". I don't exactly have this in my city, just a small group of people that support each other, but in other larger regions it seems very cliqie and casual. Not that this is a bad thing; but settling with someone, even temporarily, isn't at the forefront in such scenes.

Lastly, gay people don't get sex ed, or anything like that. We get to learn relationships as we go, and have fewer resources and mandatory learning than straight people, even being discouraged constantly to even have a relationship. This is obviously going to have psychological consequences that probably inhibit relationships.

Lastly, when people break up later in life, sometimes they never get back into a serious relationship. It's discouraging. My parents are straight obviously, but after their divorce neither of them wanted another marriage, and both of them had difficulty in their relationships forever afterwards. My mom is a little better, but doesn't want to live married and is hesitant even about being common law. I imagine many gay people are the same.

There are a lot of reasons. Where I live a good portion of gay people are in relationships, but a lot aren't. Much of it, I believe, is due to societal pressure (closeted), simple lack of interest (sex =/= relationship), or even that they think they're too old. Still, I know two gay men, one in 40s one in 30s, that entered into relationships within the last couple of years, so I don't think it's a strong trend or means that any particular person has no hope.

[Evan88]

It's a case to case basis, so I can't really speak on behalf of others..

But well as for me, its just not on my mind.... Like, im not actively searching really. All I want right now is to have a good & stable career, take good care of my health, and save to have my own place and everything... In that way, i would be more appealing to my guy when the right time comes. And...im young... I'm not in a rush.

I do travel overseas as well, but not for the sake of finding guys, lol. More on leisure...and to have fun.

I'm not going to bars, clubs etc....not really my thing. And since im closeted, i dont attend LGBT organizations and the likes...

In my case, i guess it would be better to find gay friends.. and start from there

[trywait]

finding the right person a d also working together to make a relationship work. and chemistry...

and if at first you don't succeed, try again

[findingmyway]

I can't speak for other people, but just for me, relationships are hard and messy and I don't always have the confidence to go out and look for people because I don't know what they would see in me.

[East]

I was never looking for a relationship...more like trying to avoid one...and I have been with my man for 28 years. Naturally...I know a lot of couples..gay and straight.

My take on it...different strokes for different folks.

[LONDONER]

As far as middle aged and older gays are concerned, they grew up in a sociaty where being homosexual was a punishable offence (laughable when you think about it, but tragic also) and have remained in the closet. It's difficult to change a whole lifetime's experience and suddenly become open about one's sexuality. It's difficult for the younger generation to understand since that has grown up in a more understanding and less suppresive society - in some countries at least.