Dear Cats and Dogs

[LONDONER]

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note - placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you.

[partis]

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

This is my favourite… and so true :p

[MisterTinkles]

PS....

When I scream "get off my lap" or "down", that is absolutely NOT an invitation to take a seat with your full body weight on my crotch! Crushing my balls will only result in your privileges being taken away.

[MisterTinkles]

[MisterTinkles]

[747XL29]

My cats strange new strategy to wake me a 430am in an attempt to get fed is to start licking the headboard of the bed right above my head. This sand paper sound will go on for an hour if I let it. So far the little pain in the ass has won the war of wills. Although I refuse to feed him the nightmarish sound of sandpaper next to my head is driving me nuts and I cannot fall back to sleep. I even cut a slice of hot pepper and slid it along the edge of the wood to discourage him. He simply moved to licking the bedside table !! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

[LONDONER]

My cats strange new strategy to wake me a 430am in an attempt to get fed is to start licking the headboard of the bed right above my head. This sand paper sound will go on for an hour if I let it. So far the little pain in the ass has won the war of wills. Although I refuse to feed him the nightmarish sound of sandpaper next to my head is driving me nuts and i cannot fall back to sleep. I even cut a slice of hot pepper and slid it along the edge of the wood to discourage him. He simply moved to licking the bedside table !! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

Which very much reminds me of this:

[747XL29]

I just laughed so hard, that is obviously a true story LOL. Oh man that's great.

[MisterTinkles]

My cats strange new strategy to wake me a 430am in an attempt to get fed is to start licking the headboard of the bed right above my head. This sand paper sound will go on for an hour if I let it. So far the little pain in the ass has won the war of wills. Although I refuse to feed him the nightmarish sound of sandpaper next to my head is driving me nuts and I cannot fall back to sleep. I even cut a slice of hot pepper and slid it along the edge of the wood to discourage him. He simply moved to licking the bedside table !! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

Keep a squirt bottle on your nightstand/bedside. You can use plain water or put a little apple cider vinegar or lemon juice in it. After a few days of squirting, I bet the kitty wont do it anymore.