Low Sex Drive.

[Wardo94]

So in the last thread I wrote about some of my issues with my bf, I vaguely spoke about our attempts at sex. So far, we've done it two times and they have been pretty bad. Mostly cause' we didn't prepare right and we rushed way too much. After the second time, it seemed to have affect him in some way. He told me he has a very low sex drive and that he can pretty much live without sex. While I'm literally the complete opposite. I have never at anytime forced him to do anything. I don't see sex as solely an act to gain pleasure, but also to have a spiritual bond with that person. He doesn't see it like that at all. He says this after we did it. Never before. Overall, his dislike in sex has been a very confusing thing to me. He watches a good amount of porn. And actually masturbates more than me. He was also the one to initiate the two times we had sex. I told him that I will only do it with him when he feels like he is ready since he is a virgin, or was, and I wanted to respect his personal space. Since he was the one to initiate, that meant to me that he obviously wanted to explore and see how it feels so when he tells me he has a low sex drive and doesn't find the act amusing to him, it confuses me. I have been feeling that I may have greatly brought down his expectations in sex and maybe that's why. I have heard of people who delve deep into porn and end up making it that sex will be like how you see it in porn. I even asked him and he said he was expecting it to be better. It hurts me though cause' I can't pleasure him and I as well want to have that intimacy with him. I never mention a single dirty thing when we talk cause' I feel like I might bother him or give him the idea that I'm "perving" on him. We have talked about it more than a few times, but that has been a while now and it hasn't really gotten us anywhere. I told him that either way, I am happy with him and that even if my sexual needs aren't met, that I will still want to be with him. I really don't know if I should ask him anymore about this. I don't think it's a low sex drive issue. I told him and myself that at this point of the relationship, we should leave it for much later and just focus on us. But looking at it realistically, when we get more serious in time I can see this being an issue and I don't want to imagine how it will affect us in the future. But anyway, my questions are this. Do you think it could be a low sex drive from what I said about him? Should I just drop the issue and just brush it off? I'd really appreciate if someone could put some light to this. Thanks in advance

[MisterLove]

Something similar happened to me once. I lost my erection in the middle of things and was so ashamed I couldn't face him anymore and our relationship ended. It sounds stupid and it is stupid but I was very immature and insecure at the time. I guess when it comes to dick, most (all?) guys are extremely insecure.

My advice is this: don't rush things, don't mention sex anymore and let him make the first move. Talking doesn't always help and it could just increase his anxiety (and anxiety is the #1 erection killer).

I was also extremely anxious and whenever things didn't go as well as I wanted, I would just have a break and avoid sex for a long period of time. This allowed me to forget that negative experience and decrease my anxiety levels. It worked, it really did.

As for low libido, there are several drugs that can help (e.g. apomorphine) but I'm sure you won't need any of that. Exercise is the best libido treatment there is.

[Wardo94]

Yeah. Our second time was preetty bad and he has major anxiety. Thanks for the post though Helped a lot!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He watches a good amount of porn. And actually masturbates more than me.

Then he doesn't have a low sex drive.

He has intimacy issues, not low sex drive. No doubt porn and whacking off has contributed to these intimacy issues.

If he has low sex drive he wouldn't be watching porn and jacking off all the time.

[Cuddly]

Have you tried watching porn with him? Watching porn with him, having him choose which "clips" or whatever, to watch could give you an idea of what he likes. That could be the problem?
Have you discussed what you are into, as in, what you would like to see happening during the act?

I agree with Bowyn, if he watches porn and masturbates often, his sex drive isn't low. Although his sexual need for you would likely be lower because of the porn and masturbation. It says you're 19, I assume he's around your age? In that case his sex drive should be peaking!

[loserguy]

First of all, I empathize with you over your situation.
I do not believe he has a low sex drive either and as regards dropping it or raising it (if you excuse the innuendo) I feel that certain things need to be out in the open.
Maybe it is as a result of anxiety or maybe something else or maybe you are not satisfying him enough sexually. As regards the last one, should that be the case he needs to open up and tell you what will or what he thinks will. Saying he has a low sex drive is a cop out to shut you up. There most certainly is something else.
Regarding the middle one, perhaps he suffered metal or physical abuse which would have left him damaged. You need to know if this is the case?
Lastly, if it is down to anxiety, there are also steps he can take to address this but the first step is to acknowledge to both himself and you that he has a problem.

Your feelings towards him are plainly obvious and I hope his issues can be resolved positively:wink

[Wardo94]

Then he doesn't have a low sex drive.

He has intimacy issues, not low sex drive. No doubt porn and whacking off has contributed to these intimacy issues.

If he has low sex drive he wouldn't be watching porn and jacking off all the time.

I thought that as well.

Have you tried watching porn with him? Watching porn with him, having him choose which "clips" or whatever, to watch could give you an idea of what he likes. That could be the problem?
Have you discussed what you are into, as in, what you would like to see happening during the act?

I agree with Bowyn, if he watches porn and masturbates often, his sex drive isn't low. Although his sexual need for you would likely be lower because of the porn and masturbation. It says you're 19, I assume he's around your age? In that case his sex drive should be peaking!

Yeah. He is. And he's quite a horny guy to tell me that it's just a sex drive issue. But me and him haven't really discussed what exactly we want to do. And we never watched porn together. I always asked him if there was something he would want to do. Any of these brought up to him, and be would probably shoot donw the question and just act like I never asked it. So in the meantime, I guess I'll give him time to kinda' get over our experience. I just feel like he's been throwing in the towel too much in the relationship and sweeping most of the stuff that's on his mind under the rug. Thanks again guys

[Evan]

Then he doesn't have a low sex drive.

He has intimacy issues, not low sex drive. No doubt porn and whacking off has contributed to these intimacy issues.

If he has low sex drive he wouldn't be watching porn and jacking off all the time.

I agree with this. Sounds to me like he has a normal sex drive.

First of all, I'd ask him to consider to stop watching porn. Like you said, people who watch porn -- especially if they watch it often and don't have much of a sex life themselves -- sometimes start adjusting their idea of what sex is to what they see in porn videos. Your boyfriend is also a virgin, which means he doesn't have ANYthing else to base his expectations on than the porn that he watches. (He may not even be aware of that.. it can be subconscious).That means it is only to be expected that his first time -- which is a pretty disappointing happening for most people, anyway -- is gonna be bad. So, ask him to stop the porn! He needs to get back to 'reality'. Trust me, it will help.

Secondly, once you guys do decide to give it another go, remember that you don't have to try everything at once! It's perfectly fine to just make out naked and maybe give each other handjobs. Just build up slowly. Once you're completely comfortable and both of you enjoy the experience (no matter how many times it takes), then move on to something new. And don't rush. Do it at a time when you know you don't have anything else planned for the next few hours.

Last but not least; keep talking to each other about it. The last thing you wanna do is ignore everything and pretend there is no problem, because clearly it's effecting the relationship. I think the problem is easily solvable if both of you are willing to talk about it and work on it.

Good luck!

[Wardo94]

I agree with this. Sounds to me like he has a normal sex drive.

First of all, I'd ask him to consider to stop watching porn. Like you said, people who watch porn -- especially if they watch it often and don't have much of a sex life themselves -- sometimes start adjusting their idea of what sex is to what they see in porn videos. Your boyfriend is also a virgin, which means he doesn't have ANYthing else to base his expectations on than the porn that he watches. (He may not even be aware of that.. it can be subconscious).That means it is only to be expected that his first time -- which is a pretty disappointing happening for most people, anyway -- is gonna be bad. So, ask him to stop the porn! He needs to get back to 'reality'. Trust me, it will help.

Secondly, once you guys do decide to give it another go, remember that you don't have to try everything at once! It's perfectly fine to just make out naked and maybe give each other handjobs. Just build up slowly. Once you're completely comfortable and both of you enjoy the experience (no matter how many times it takes), then move on to something new. And don't rush. Do it at a time when you know you don't have anything else planned for the next few hours.

Last but not least; keep talking to each other about it. The last thing you wanna do is ignore everything and pretend there is no problem, because clearly it's effecting the relationship. I think the problem is easily solvable if both of you are willing to talk about it and work on it.

Good luck!

Thanks It seems that he doesn't want to talk about. Seeing that he has anxiety, he pretty much didn't even want to bring up what we did and act like nothing happened. I can't stress how much I've been trying make sure that everything's okay with him, but he always says he's okay.

[Charon]

Is ir possible that the two of you are either bored with each other or sick to death of each other? Either one could lead to a lowered sex drive. Also, you're trying too hard. Sex is not measured off like right angles, it's freer, spontaneous. I like the idea of watching porn together and why not take turns watching something that turns you on. Perhaps you partner in training will get some ideas as to what to do. And have you found the world of kink? Not infrequently regular sex is much improved with the addition of something mildly kinky, hand cuffs, a lash, nipple clips....very basic but perhaps useful to the uninspired libido.