fka questioning
03-17-2014, 04:51 AM
This will probably be a rather long post, so to put first things first: Why did I change my username?
2 months ago, while searching online for answers to some questions that were on my mind, I came across a thread within gayspeak. After reading that thread, I registered, and while I had that and other questions on my mind, the username “questioning” seemed like a natural. After some weeks though, it occurred to me that “questioning” has a specific connotation when applied to LGBT (or LGBTQ) issues. And that was one question that had been resolved many years ago.
I am 62 years old, and to one degree or another, practicing or abstaining, I have been bi-sexual for about 40 years. In the early years, I didn’t think of it that way. I considered myself to be “normal” (hetero-sexual), but with a taste for “taking a walk on the wild side” every now and then. That was good for about a dozen years. But then the boom came down - I heard about HIV (that would have been 1983). We didn’t have the internet back then, but within a couple days, I had heard enough on radio news to say “that’s it - no more games. It’s straight sex only for me from here on out.”
About three years later, much to my surprise, I found myself picking up a gay man (on a street corner no less). That night in his apartment, I had the most glorious night of my life. But the next day, I was terrified. I went to see a doctor, certain that I must have gotten something. I was fine, but I was convinced of two things:
1. It wasn’t just something I did for variety, it was something I wanted and needed.
2. I could never have it. To avoid becoming a statistic, I had to stay away from men.
After that, I stayed straight for 23 years, through two marriages, several relationships and a few one night stands with women. Over the years, I developed the habit of telling my partners about my history before I got involved with them. I also started requiring that we both get tested (together when it was an option – which was rare) before having unprotected sex.
And so it came about a few years ago that while my new girlfriend and I were being tested, I was being told about risky and not-so-risky behavior, and I was reminded about something I had dismissed as nonsense many years before about oral sex being considered non-risky. I was quite enamored of this girl and wanted our relationship to work, but I made a mental note to myself that if things didn’t work out with her, I was going to try a different route. Despite my best efforts, our relationship didn’t last long (about 6 months).
I enrolled in several on-line gay sites, and learned about the limited other opportunities – gay bars. Over the next two years, I had a number of hookups, and a few repeats, but nothing really even approaching a relationship. I wasn’t even actually aware that that was what I was looking for, but I should have known. With women, I had always gravitated toward relationships. One-nighters are okay as far as they go, but they don’t go far.
A couple years ago, unexpectedly, I met a woman who knocked my socks off, and before I knew it, I was living with her. Long story I won’t go into, but we just split up, and I’m single again. I may pay some visits to the gay bars in town, but I’m not going to put most of my focus there, and I won't be settling for hookups this time. I’m not going to bother at all with the on-line nonsense. That’s for kids. The other possibilities are slim, but they’re there. I’ll just need to be patient.
2 months ago, while searching online for answers to some questions that were on my mind, I came across a thread within gayspeak. After reading that thread, I registered, and while I had that and other questions on my mind, the username “questioning” seemed like a natural. After some weeks though, it occurred to me that “questioning” has a specific connotation when applied to LGBT (or LGBTQ) issues. And that was one question that had been resolved many years ago.
I am 62 years old, and to one degree or another, practicing or abstaining, I have been bi-sexual for about 40 years. In the early years, I didn’t think of it that way. I considered myself to be “normal” (hetero-sexual), but with a taste for “taking a walk on the wild side” every now and then. That was good for about a dozen years. But then the boom came down - I heard about HIV (that would have been 1983). We didn’t have the internet back then, but within a couple days, I had heard enough on radio news to say “that’s it - no more games. It’s straight sex only for me from here on out.”
About three years later, much to my surprise, I found myself picking up a gay man (on a street corner no less). That night in his apartment, I had the most glorious night of my life. But the next day, I was terrified. I went to see a doctor, certain that I must have gotten something. I was fine, but I was convinced of two things:
1. It wasn’t just something I did for variety, it was something I wanted and needed.
2. I could never have it. To avoid becoming a statistic, I had to stay away from men.
After that, I stayed straight for 23 years, through two marriages, several relationships and a few one night stands with women. Over the years, I developed the habit of telling my partners about my history before I got involved with them. I also started requiring that we both get tested (together when it was an option – which was rare) before having unprotected sex.
And so it came about a few years ago that while my new girlfriend and I were being tested, I was being told about risky and not-so-risky behavior, and I was reminded about something I had dismissed as nonsense many years before about oral sex being considered non-risky. I was quite enamored of this girl and wanted our relationship to work, but I made a mental note to myself that if things didn’t work out with her, I was going to try a different route. Despite my best efforts, our relationship didn’t last long (about 6 months).
I enrolled in several on-line gay sites, and learned about the limited other opportunities – gay bars. Over the next two years, I had a number of hookups, and a few repeats, but nothing really even approaching a relationship. I wasn’t even actually aware that that was what I was looking for, but I should have known. With women, I had always gravitated toward relationships. One-nighters are okay as far as they go, but they don’t go far.
A couple years ago, unexpectedly, I met a woman who knocked my socks off, and before I knew it, I was living with her. Long story I won’t go into, but we just split up, and I’m single again. I may pay some visits to the gay bars in town, but I’m not going to put most of my focus there, and I won't be settling for hookups this time. I’m not going to bother at all with the on-line nonsense. That’s for kids. The other possibilities are slim, but they’re there. I’ll just need to be patient.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Aquarius
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your journey and hope you have great comfort through the patience and awesome success in the outcome. Looking forward to getting to know you better. 
