He's so lazy I don't know where to begin

[Cuddly]

Sounds like me

Part of it is laziness, sure.. But I think another part is him simply not seeing it. I can walk past tumbleweeds of doghair without noticing it, but my husbear can't.
I also grew up on the countryside, but with no animals besides a dog. My mum liked cleaning and I was cleaning the kitchen/vacuuming/washing the floors often enough, so, for me atleast, that's not where the issue comes from.

What usually works on me, is my boyfriend asking me if I would prefer doing X or Y. Meaning he will do X if I do Y, vice versa. I cook dinner, he vacuums, whatever. Try that? (I understand, that's kind of what you were doing with the "I need to go to the market, will you please clean the room while I'm gone?", but you need to word it as more of a deal, rather than a plea.. I think....

Having a rythm is a plus, too. If I know I need to do something on monday, then I mentally make time for it and then it doesn't seem as such a huge task when it is suddenly asked of me, out of nowhere.
What I mean is; if I get out of bed, knowing that I need to spend an hour of the day vacuuming the house, I am mentally prepared for that ardeous task. If you ask me to do it, today, while we're having lunch, I will get annoyed with you for asking, because I already made plans for what I wanted to spend that day doing.

I'm one of those annoying lazy people you'd probably hate to live with Anonymous.. sorry to confirm that we really do exist. Hopefully I could shed some light on why we don't mind living with dirty dishes and messy floors.

[driftwood]

I'm doing almost everything alone - doing mine and his laundry, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping ...

Read your own words. You're doing that stuff because you choose to do it. So either don't do it, or don't complain about it. Cooking and a reasonable amount of cleaning do need to be done, I suspect your amount of cleaning is much more than that.

Some other random observations about this situation:

1. Remove that word from your vocabulary. Immediately! The more you call him lazy, the more he will resent you asking anything of him.

2. People who don't work from home usually assume that the person who does has plenty of time on his hands. I used to work from home and I usually had pressing deadlines. When you say "however he has a job that allows him to work at home from his computer" it sounds like that's the exact trap you've fallen into.

3. What about his work - you've been with him for 2 years and all you know is that he works at home from his computer. To start, I would expect you to know how much time he spends working. Could it be he doesn't have 20 minutes.
And is he making money or just spinning his wheels? If the former, talk to him about hiring a housekeeper. If the latter, maybe you could help him brainstorm some ideas to help out.

4. Never, ever, ever say "I'm going to do 'X' so you can do 'Y' ". You're assigning him a task, and deciding what your contribution should be, not an effective way to encourage cooperation.

5. "Sometimes it feels like he wouldn't mind growing into the dirt..." Clearly you have different tolerances for dirt. Like BA said, "YOU are the clean freak here". If you don't respect his dirt tolerance, how can you expect him to respect yours. Have you given him an answer when He asked "why are you paying attention to these little things?" I'd be interested in that answer too.

6. And by the way, this has nothing to do with living on a farm or in the city. Some farms are the most meticulous places you've ever seen, and you'll find much worst slobs in the city than anywhere else.

[loserguy]

You have asked and he won't do it.
Don't try to change him because you will not.
Either get on with it or do not do it but the constant nagging will only drive him away.

Yes he is happy for you to look after the cleaning and what you see as a priority he does not. That is life. It is a pity you are agitated by his behavior but relationships are about compromise on equal terms, not yours or his. And remember it takes two to tango!
If neither of you are willing to compromise and your views remain as strongly as you outline in your post, maybe he is just not for you?

Your situation re-enforces the point: 'if you really want to know me, come and live with me'.

[MisterTinkles]

What kind of "on the farm" bullshit is this? I come from a family of farmers, and I can tell you that NO farmer would EVER allow a dirty house! In fact, farmers (as far as I have ever seen) are extremely clean people. They work in the dirt and fields all day, they want to come home to clean, not more dirt.

Unless your boyfriend is a literal pig, raised in a pig sty, there is NO reason for him being lazy and filthy.

He does not care, because you are his maid and butler. Why should he raise a finger to do anything when you are there to do it for him?

He is just a user.

You want him to change? Then you either put your foot down and enact some rules and enforce them with disciplinary actions, or you just clean up after yourself.....you dont touch his stuff.....you let it sit there. If he has a problem with that, then tell him you either need to get paid a servants wages or he can clean up his own shit.

If he threatens you with leaving, then open the door for him. He aint worth it.

Whether you want to believe it or not, there are a LOT....and I do mean A LOT of men out there who are ONLY in a "relationship" so they dont have to do chores.

You are pretty much just the live in "help".

[dfiant]

I have an idea. Why don't you do nothing and become a lazy slob? You know, why don't you change WHO you are to suit your BF.

Come back and let us know how that works out for you

[East]

I think the problem is that you haven't accepted who he is. It will be a lifelong problem unless you address it.

I also think it is odd that you decided he was lazy when in fact he may not care about the same things you do.

I think you may be more happy living alone....maybe he would as well. Once you get into the nagging cycle it is deadly for a relationship so living apart may save your relationship and your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have given him answer why do I pay attention to these "little things"as he call them. Because if I won't, we'll eventually have to shovel our way through the dirt, walk in filthy clothes, and die of starvation. I think it's quite stupid question to ask - why do you want to keep the house clean.

Yes, I choose to do it, because no one else will do it instead of me. He won't move his little finger to do something around the house.

Unfortunately our relationships seems to be doomed. If I try to talk with him about it, he's only like "don't start about it". I'm not ok with being someones slave and if nothing will change, I'll just leave. Maybe he really needs someone who's more like him and I need someone more like me.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

And no, when I came to his place before living together, I didn't think he's that way he is. It wasn't really messy at all.

So who did the cleaning for him?

He basically spends all his day at the computer doing his job.

Those are your words there not mine.

You call your partner lazy and other things, yet say he's on the computer all the time working.

Sure his commute time is 30 seconds from bed to desk - but that doesn't lessen his job, that doesn't lessen the fact that he may be as exhausted as you are after a day at the 'office'.

Another thing you need to consider here. He is at work 24/7 - ALWAYS at his job. Sure its the home as well, but it doesn't and can't feel like a real home because he is surrounded by everything that says 'Job' because he doesn't his Job there.

People who go out to a job and come home get the added joy of feeling that they are away from their particular grindstone. So they can relax and let go of work-related crap in their head. When you live at the job site 24/7 you think about your job 24/7. All the time - because you are on the job, surrounded by constant reminders that there is a shit load of work ahead of you... Always, forever - and there is no escape.

While you are seeing this place as home, and seeing home related stuff only (laundry, cooking, cleaning, ironing (seriously who irons in the 21st century there are dry cleaners and poly cotton blends for THAT)) he is seeing his job and seeing the next website or binary code or whatever it is he deals with at his job.

So you are seeing what needs to be done at home, he is seeing what needs to be done at work. And no doubt in a few years (if not already) he is going to end up hating his home because its his job and he never, ever, ever gets a day off from thinking about work.

I wouldn't say I'm pedantic, but I do like a clean living place. I would be so happy if I would come home one day and wouldn't have a mess in front of me and could just relax.

Mess? So what is he doing hauling in loads of garden soil and sprinkling it around? Throwing huge parties where everyone is just tossing their used plates and glasses anywhere?

If he is on the computer all day working, then what kind of 'mess' is really being generated here?

A few dishes in the sink and what???

[driftwood]

Yes, I have given him answer why do I pay attention to these "little things"as he call them. Because if I won't, we'll eventually have to shovel our way through the dirt, walk in filthy clothes, and die of starvation. I think it's quite stupid question to ask - why do you want to keep the house clean...

Of course the shovel and starvation are exaggerations, so the question remains. Why do you pay attention to these little things?

Yes, I choose to do it, because no one else will do it...

And most of it is optional, so the question remains. Why do you choose to do these things?

I'm not ok with being someones slave...

I don't think he wants you to be his slave. If you quit being such a neat freak, he'll probably say "Hey, that's great, now we can relax."

Maybe he really needs someone who's more like him and I need someone more like me.

That's pretty clear. But on the other hand, he might be interested in compromising, if you weren't so dead set on having things your way.

[Sylph]

Hey hey hey now, I don't think we need to attack his habits. Some peeps are just grown into being who they are. Can't help that.

And in the same light, obviously his Man or whatever is who he is, so I think the wisest course of action, would be to take 10 steps back and meet in the Middle.

True we can't have things our way, so we have to trade off somewhere.

If your man or woman don't like to cook, but you can, then do it gurl and if you don't know a screw from a hammer(gawd that's so me), then have him or her do it.

Not because its any one persons responsibility or "role" , but because it adds up to the greater whole.

We can't expect our partner's to do as we do, that defeats the purpose of even having a partner in my opinion. I mean if they can and do, then great, but I think a partnership works better, if they can cover a broader area, rather than one or two.

I was taught how to Cook and Clean and do hair a Lil bit and all that stuff, I learned tricks here and there, however, I and whoever drives the vehicle I try to fix will be damned, as I'm no bladdey Fix it man xD.

Just divy up the work load. You wash and clean, as its obviously what you think should be done and probably have a certain way to doing it and have him just so what he's capable of doing, such as fixing crap or moving things.

Work it out gurl :p