03-17-2014, 04:51 AM
This will probably be a rather long post, so to put first things first: Why did I change my username?
2 months ago, while searching online for answers to some questions that were on my mind, I came across a thread within gayspeak. After reading that thread, I registered, and while I had that and other questions on my mind, the username “questioning” seemed like a natural. After some weeks though, it occurred to me that “questioning” has a specific connotation when applied to LGBT (or LGBTQ) issues. And that was one question that had been resolved many years ago.
I am 62 years old, and to one degree or another, practicing or abstaining, I have been bi-sexual for about 40 years. In the early years, I didn’t think of it that way. I considered myself to be “normal” (hetero-sexual), but with a taste for “taking a walk on the wild side” every now and then. That was good for about a dozen years. But then the boom came down - I heard about HIV (that would have been 1983). We didn’t have the internet back then, but within a couple days, I had heard enough on radio news to say “that’s it - no more games. It’s straight sex only for me from here on out.”
About three years later, much to my surprise, I found myself picking up a gay man (on a street corner no less). That night in his apartment, I had the most glorious night of my life. But the next day, I was terrified. I went to see a doctor, certain that I must have gotten something. I was fine, but I was convinced of two things:
1. It wasn’t just something I did for variety, it was something I wanted and needed.
2. I could never have it. To avoid becoming a statistic, I had to stay away from men.
After that, I stayed straight for 23 years, through two marriages, several relationships and a few one night stands with women. Over the years, I developed the habit of telling my partners about my history before I got involved with them. I also started requiring that we both get tested (together when it was an option – which was rare) before having unprotected sex.
And so it came about a few years ago that while my new girlfriend and I were being tested, I was being told about risky and not-so-risky behavior, and I was reminded about something I had dismissed as nonsense many years before about oral sex being considered non-risky. I was quite enamored of this girl and wanted our relationship to work, but I made a mental note to myself that if things didn’t work out with her, I was going to try a different route. Despite my best efforts, our relationship didn’t last long (about 6 months).
I enrolled in several on-line gay sites, and learned about the limited other opportunities – gay bars. Over the next two years, I had a number of hookups, and a few repeats, but nothing really even approaching a relationship. I wasn’t even actually aware that that was what I was looking for, but I should have known. With women, I had always gravitated toward relationships. One-nighters are okay as far as they go, but they don’t go far.
A couple years ago, unexpectedly, I met a woman who knocked my socks off, and before I knew it, I was living with her. Long story I won’t go into, but we just split up, and I’m single again. I may pay some visits to the gay bars in town, but I’m not going to put most of my focus there, and I won't be settling for hookups this time. I’m not going to bother at all with the on-line nonsense. That’s for kids. The other possibilities are slim, but they’re there. I’ll just need to be patient.
2 months ago, while searching online for answers to some questions that were on my mind, I came across a thread within gayspeak. After reading that thread, I registered, and while I had that and other questions on my mind, the username “questioning” seemed like a natural. After some weeks though, it occurred to me that “questioning” has a specific connotation when applied to LGBT (or LGBTQ) issues. And that was one question that had been resolved many years ago.
I am 62 years old, and to one degree or another, practicing or abstaining, I have been bi-sexual for about 40 years. In the early years, I didn’t think of it that way. I considered myself to be “normal” (hetero-sexual), but with a taste for “taking a walk on the wild side” every now and then. That was good for about a dozen years. But then the boom came down - I heard about HIV (that would have been 1983). We didn’t have the internet back then, but within a couple days, I had heard enough on radio news to say “that’s it - no more games. It’s straight sex only for me from here on out.”
About three years later, much to my surprise, I found myself picking up a gay man (on a street corner no less). That night in his apartment, I had the most glorious night of my life. But the next day, I was terrified. I went to see a doctor, certain that I must have gotten something. I was fine, but I was convinced of two things:
1. It wasn’t just something I did for variety, it was something I wanted and needed.
2. I could never have it. To avoid becoming a statistic, I had to stay away from men.
After that, I stayed straight for 23 years, through two marriages, several relationships and a few one night stands with women. Over the years, I developed the habit of telling my partners about my history before I got involved with them. I also started requiring that we both get tested (together when it was an option – which was rare) before having unprotected sex.
And so it came about a few years ago that while my new girlfriend and I were being tested, I was being told about risky and not-so-risky behavior, and I was reminded about something I had dismissed as nonsense many years before about oral sex being considered non-risky. I was quite enamored of this girl and wanted our relationship to work, but I made a mental note to myself that if things didn’t work out with her, I was going to try a different route. Despite my best efforts, our relationship didn’t last long (about 6 months).
I enrolled in several on-line gay sites, and learned about the limited other opportunities – gay bars. Over the next two years, I had a number of hookups, and a few repeats, but nothing really even approaching a relationship. I wasn’t even actually aware that that was what I was looking for, but I should have known. With women, I had always gravitated toward relationships. One-nighters are okay as far as they go, but they don’t go far.
A couple years ago, unexpectedly, I met a woman who knocked my socks off, and before I knew it, I was living with her. Long story I won’t go into, but we just split up, and I’m single again. I may pay some visits to the gay bars in town, but I’m not going to put most of my focus there, and I won't be settling for hookups this time. I’m not going to bother at all with the on-line nonsense. That’s for kids. The other possibilities are slim, but they’re there. I’ll just need to be patient.