Guy I'm dating going back to his "ex"

[wtm]

I've been dating a guy since Oct 2012 (I'd known him a couple years before this time) & things have gone well - we get along, no real fighting, etc. Just prior to this he had dated a guy a month or so (I think) & he said it'd been very intense & full of drama (I'm not sure what that means exactly) but he'd broken up. Now he says he still has feelings for this guy that he thought would be gone by now (& "feels like an asshole for it") & apparently the ex had called trying to get back together & they'd had drinks. He's always said he's friends with all his exes (including this one apparently).

He said he thought we'd be "closer" by now & kind of asking about where we were going, etc. I was stunned by all this & truthfully told him I loved him & hoped we had a future together. So, he didn't break up with me but left saying let's both take some time to "process" all this (??). My guess is he wants to leave me & go back to his "ex" but why even tell me about the "ex" or just say so directly? Why not just be clear & break up (& then go do whatever you want)? I am confused & want to save the relationship but how??

[Ryocchi]

This has happened to three close friends to me now.

Think it throughly, and please don't deny your needs and don't be selfless, in these cases it doesn't help imo, I don't know how the fuck it works and you're free to ignore my message, but when you're all do what you want I'll wait for you you're actually making yourself less attractive, you're actually pushing them on the other's person arms give yourself a day or two to think it through, My friends have done two things when they partners asked for time.

First one told him, "you go we're done, I've been building this relationship with you for years if you don't love me enough you're free to go but don't think for a minute I'm going to wait for you to return I respect myself too much to do that" his partner didn't go and they are married now.

Second at first agree to give time, then he went like "what the fuck I'm doing?" after two days and went to look for his partner, apparently y friend was suffering so damn much while his partner was getting ready for a date with the ex, my friend wanted to talk, partner went stupid and didn't want to, then my friend got mad and broke up with his partner, after a month his ex-partner was begging him to come back but my friend was tired of the shit and had met someone who with he felt some crazy connection at a party

my other friend decided to wait and he went through the worst period of his life, until his "partner" finally broke up definitely with him, he took longer to recover.

Love yourself, respect yourself, imo timeouts never work, it is normal to a certain points in a relationship to feel attracted to other people, we all do, but when your partner doesn't do anything to fix it and encourages it that's when the problems begins, if he never stopped having feelings for this guy he should have handled it better to not hurt the relationship he had with you, feeling like an asshole doesn't fix it and doesn't really mean anything.

I wish you the best, and again, LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is this fence, and on the other side the grass appears greener.

He thinks that he will have a better go at it with this other guy.


Most likely he doesn't understand that love is different with different people, meaning the love he had with Ex#1 is not the Same as what he has with Ex#2 - or Ex#3 and he is trying to recapture that love he had way back with Ex#1...

This last is really very common as the very language has this tendency to totally ignore how complicated and varied love is. I love chocolate, I love my dog, I love my mother, I love my BF - just one word that attempts (poorly I might add) to express all of these variations of a strong emotion.

Unlike Mom, Chocolate, Dog and lover... everyone has a clear idea that how we love mom, dog and chocolate ain't the same as we love our lover (yes I know, there are exceptions we are ignoring those for saving pages of typing). But I love my ex- I love my current lover - these are not the same level of love - one can care and like their ex enough to love them as friends, but not as lovers - one can love the new lover as a lover - it is love, but not the same level/intensity/depth, etc.

So he may feel various levels and depths of love here, the love for you, the love for this ex - but since we don't have clear words for types of love, how can we readily distinguish what it is we are really feeling?

Then we have the mythology of love (humans love to complicate love). The mythology is that there is this thing called 'true love' and that true love is the hot passionate, "I must be with you 24/7 or die" kind of love that we have at loves first bite.

A lot of couples have no idea that love is suppose to mellow out, suppose to cool off a bit after several months in order for people to get some sort of normalcy and actually not fly that plane the pilot off course, or drive off the edge of the road distracted by their thoughts on their 'true love'.

Many older people figure it out around 30-ish and that is one reason why fewer marriages end in divorce when marriage happens later. its not that the couple give up on the idea of the mythology of true love, they figure out that that mythology is a myth.

I suspect your BF is being subjected to these issues and perhaps a healthy dose of 'coulda/woulda/shoulda' and regrets not applying himself to this earlier relationship thus believes he can go back and undo 'this'.

HE needs to be the one getting this lecture from me. Because HE is the idiot who is making a huge fucking mistake....

I do not know if even pointing this stuff out to him will make him stop and see the error of his ways.... IDK - print up this page and hand it to him and tell him I'm calling him on this and demand his attention and listen to the old guy who has been done this road.

The ex is an ex - leave it be exactly that.


As for you. Well I fear you will be a casualty of this fools errand. If he won't change is mind, see reason and stick with what he has the best I can do is give you and electronic hug and tell you that everything will be ok.

[dfiant]

You have to stop asking yourself what you have done wrong and start asking yourself 'Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a fickle cunt whose tastes can change at the drop of a hat'

You have been played, you have been 'the rebound'...and you have been 'the crutch'.

He just walked away from you and into this guys arms and you are in denial...what do you think he is really doing right now????

Yup. fucking his ex

[loserguy]

This guy is an asshole and he doesn't love you.

The best thing to do is to walk and keep walking and be thankful that this has happened now and not in a few years time.

You owe him nothing, not even an explanation and under no circumstances should you contact him again. He has used you and is not a friend and not someone you should be associating with.

None of this is your fault. Unfortunately there are all kinds of people on the planet, but some good ones too. You will find one of the good ones eventually. For now though, you have given this creature far too much time already. Enough is enough!

[driftwood]

...I am confused & want to save the relationship...

Friends with exes is fine, and maybe "lunch" or "coffee" once in a while, but "drinks" or "dinner" - not unless he invites you. You want to save the relationship, but he already ended it when he accepted his ex's invitation for drinks.

The only confusing part is where he says 'he thought we'd be "closer" by now' - what kind of a yardstick is he using? What's been happening over the past year and a half? Have you been shutting him out? Has he been trying to share things that you wouldn't accept? I suspect not. He just made that up because he thought he would look a little better.

'Let's both take some time to "process" all this'
that's code for "I miss the excitement. Let me go back and get some more of that. I'll be back when I've had enough. "

"feels like an asshole for it"
that's code for "I really feel like an asshole right now listening to what I'm saying, but I've already made up my mind what I want."

[ChadCoxRox]

Is there a cumulative effect to long suffering and denial?

[Woollyhats]

Hi, sorry to hear.

Your ex is feeling like an assshole because he's being one.

You've put effort and time into this relationship for a good while now and he can't even make the simple decision if he wants it. And now you're worried because he's close to his ex.

You shouldn't have to worry about being second best or competing in your own relationship. This ridiculous "I'm having trouble choosing" game shouldn't be happening.

Yes, relationships with exes are fine, even dinners if you're invited. It happens - some exes stay good or even best friends. But that's not what this is.

I think you should tell him to make up his mind - something he should have done a long time ago. And tell him you're spending some time away from him while he decides. I feel that this is what breaks were made for.

Also, if you're worried he'll go to your ex if you do this - that's kind of the point. If he chooses to build a relationship with his ex rather than you, you know who he loves more.

[wtm]

THANKS for all the replies. Alot of truth in all of them I think. It's only been 4 days so idk how long "time to process" is supposed to mean. He never "asked for time" or stated he was "deciding" between us (though he pretty much IS apparently). He said "my ex called & begged me to get back together with him" - so, perhaps naively I'm thinking that stirred up these "feelings" he still has for him & he was unsure what to do & is being honest in telling me about it. IMO I don't think he should be seeing his "ex" period. He may already be back with him (in every way) & just stalling a bit to plainly "break up" with me idk. But why even mention the "ex" to me at all? Why not just tell me it's not working out, we break up, he goes & dates/fucks his "ex" & that's that - WHY tell me if there isn't some real question in his mind?

This is the only fickle thing that's ever happened - he seemed like a very decent stand up guy - he's 49 so it's not like he's a "reckless" kid (though his handling of this so far hasn't been very considerate or mature). He is a good father to his son & I've never known him to do anything dishonest with me. He was only w/ this "ex" a month or 2 & said it'd been "intense & with alot of drama" - but him leaving that kind of situation made think well of him. Why go back into it?? Good question. Terrible judgment I suppose.

We have great sex (& often) & we just had so recently so either he's a great actor or I'm dense. "New" sex with someone else certainly could be what he wants in spite of our sex.

My guess is he "just wasn't that into me" & IS more into his "ex". However, WHY spend 16 months with someone "you're not that into" instead of going back to the "ex" you ARE into (who I'm sure was available the entire time) long ago? Makes no sense.

Now I have to decide what, if anything, to even say to him if he ever contacts me to finally say flatly: "I want to break up" (which obviously he should do). I said to him "it's easier just to leave & never talk to someone again" as he was leaving & he said: "that's not what I'm doing".

[CellarDweller]

If he still has feelings for the other guy......let him go. You deserve someone who will be your 100%, not your 75% or less.