Well I can relate sort of, I came out the other month!! And yeah I feel so much better for doing so!! My advice to you is only do it if your ready as there is no need to rush things go at your own pace. I came out to my mum first who told my dad and I was lucky as there reaction was the best as they didn't even bat an eyelid, I then told my close friends one by one slowly making my way down the list and again all supportive. I guess I came out as I was tired of people talking behind my back as to why I haven't had a girlfriend and I also felt bad like I was lying to my best friends about being straight. But it would have been nice if we did live in a society were people didn't need to come out but we don't just yet so some people still feel its necessary but there's nothing wrong with that just personal preference.
hmm after reading this back it perhaps isn't that helpful and jus kinda jumps about abit so PM me if you want to talk.
oh but I will add try if you do go for it try and make sure everyone you want to know hears it from you!!
good luck and let us know how you get on!!!
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Thing is, just don't just come out once. You have to do each time you meet new people, start a new job, move town etc...
It would be so nice if being gay was no more remarkable than being left handed or something.
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I've only skimmed this thread, so I apologize if I'm being redundant.
I think coming out is a great thing to do. I understand about different backgrounds = different perspectives and everything, but to me, telling someone "why would you come out if you don't have a boyfriend. There's no reason" is just adding one more element of neurosis to someone who's already struggling.
My feeling is this: do what works for you. If you want to tell people who care about you that you're gay, then fucking do it! It's your life, you are not beholden to anyone else's notions and you shouldn't live your life in such a way that makes you less than happy just to avoid making others slightly uncomfortable. Fuck em.
... now that I think about it... if you take my advice, then you actually wouldn't be following my advice, which is to not take anyone's advice. AHHHH a paradox....
Anywho, in all likelihood, if your family isn't a bunch of culty, uber-religious fuckheads, and you have a good relationship with them, then they'll be fine learning who you are. I'm certain your parents aren't going to sleep every night thinking "Ahhh, everything's okay as long as junior still likes girls."
You're sexual identity is most important to... you. As is your happiness and and your comfortability (firefox is trying to tell me that's not a word... but it's also telling me that firefox is not a word, so...) in your own skin. So, come out.
Well, that's a lot of rambling. Hope it helps.
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The general consensus would be ' Don't feel pressured to come out, do it on your own terms in your own time and trust your gut instincts'
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Cuddly Wrote:It's part of your identity. Even if you don't have a partner, it's annoying to be asked if you've found a girlfriend, when you're looking for a boyfriend...
Apparently, you aren't the only one who feels this way. Being bi does affect my perspective. My issues are different, like right now I'm looking for a boyfriend, but I know it will be easier to find a girlfriend, and I have a feeling that's who I'm going to find. Not sure how I feel about that.
But if I can ever get into an ltr with a man, that's when I'll consider coming out.
Btw, my girfriend is from Denmark (actually Swedish but she grew up in Denmark).
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driftwood Wrote:Apparently, you aren't the only one who feels this way. Being bi does affect my perspective. My issues are different, like right now I'm looking for a boyfriend, but I know it will be easier to find a girlfriend, and I have a feeling that's who I'm going to find. Not sure how I feel about that.
But if I can ever get into an ltr with a man, that's when I'll consider coming out.
Btw, my girfriend is from Denmark (actually Swedish but she grew up in Denmark).
After making that thread about me not understanding Bi and getting alot of replies, I just smile and nod at the mere mention of it...
It sounds so confusing!!
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Cuddly Wrote:After making that thread about me not understanding Bi and getting alot of replies, I just smile and nod at the mere mention of it...
It sounds so confusing!!
If you insist on bringing that back up, I'll only say this:
Most psychologists, bisexuals, and even some monosexuals agree that all people are bisexual. That it's a continuum. That some have such a slight attraction for one sex or the other, they are not even aware it's there (1/100th of 1% maybe). And that those who are 50/50 or thereabouts are the rarity.
You're still young. No condescension there, but you never know when it might just jump out and look you right in the face.
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hiimlee Wrote:Okay, let's say I didn't go through the process of "coming-out". How would that work? Would I just wait until people asked me? Would I just not care whether people thought I was straight or gay, or whatever?
How would I go about looking for friends and potential relationships? I don't feel like I could go up to random guys in the street I find attractive and ask them out. Partly because I'd be far too shy, partly because surely 99% of them would tell me they were straight.
I know there are gay bars, but I don't really drink and again, it would be a step too far. I don't feel ready for that yet. I guess what I'm looking for is a gradual way into all this.
How did you guys meet your early romantic/sexual partners?
Hello, Lee,
I suppose you could go to a gay bar, even if you don't drink, because surely you drink soft drinks or water. No need to get something with alcohol in it. Hang in the bar for a while, at the counter or possibly at a table in the corner, observing what's happening. My partner doesn't drink either (not alcohol) but he does enjoy a Saint Clement's ( a mixture of bitter lemon and orange juice, I believe) so he goes in his local gay bar and asks for that. From what I understand, he's been in there a few times and sat quietly at a table without being talked to by anyone, but then he went towards people and started engaging them, and has met a few men who just turn out to be friendly enough. He's not looking for a romantic relationship, since he's got me, but he feels that if he doesn't go towards people, they won't necessarily want to go towards him either. Someone's got to take that first step. Now people know him and enjoy having a good chat with him, catching up on his and their news. I've been in the bar with him and everyone came to talk to us, because I was a bit of a novelty (haha).
When you're ordering your drink, you could ask the bar tender if they can tell you a thing or two about any of the regulars. Look out for other similar lonely looking people, and maybe ask if you can have a chat with them? Find out who they are, what they do, whether you have similar hobbies and favourites. Keep going back to the bar until you become a regular, and maybe people will start counting you as one of the pillars. With a little luck the gay bar you choose won't be too noisy, because that can make conversations difficult.
By the way, my partner can be very shy too, though most people wouldn't think he is, because of what he does for a job, but I secretly know he's shy, and he has acknowledged it. How perceptive I was, he said. It takes one to know one. When I've been in situations where I didn't feel completely at home, I've tried to be useful and helpful, just asking whether there was anything I could do like wash the dishes or wipe up, or help clear. There's always someone in charge who will find you really nice and who will probably introduce you to other people who are equally helpful and pleasant.
People in real life generally find their partners while doing something that they both enjoy, like acting, singing, sports, work... you name it. Think about joining a club or something. Charities are also a good place to meet people, if you feel so inclined. Offering to help is always a good idea.
Hope you find this useful. Take care, Lee.
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Wade's little post made me think of something. It's actually easiest to tell complete strangers, or people you haven't known very long about being gay. They have no expectations of you. The ones that are the most difficult to tell are probably family, people you've grown up with and who may have a different perspective of who you really are, just because they've always expected you to be straight. Some parents are sometimes aware that their child is gay, but some are very surprised when they find out. Lee, I'm going to suppose that you no longer live with mum and dad, so maybe you don't owe them anything and that should make things easier, telling them. At least, I hope so. If too afraid to confront them in person, think about writing them a letter. This is what I did with my mum. She took it very well, fortunately. She accepted my partner very well too. She is unfortunately now gone, she won't be able to witness our wedding.
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Reading your original post, your situation sounds very similar to my own, except I am perhaps one stage further on as I have now told my parents and a couple of people at work. I would say your gut instinct will tell you when the "right" moment is, and also who is best to tell first. Next I plan to tell my brother and then my closest friends who I am sure will not judge and will be accepting. For me, gradually telling one or two people at a time is what I am comfortable with, but everyone is different.
I think my shyness helped people from suspecting earlier - the assumption was I was too shy to date and have girlfriends or discuss what I did done sexually, so people just didn't ask. It was nice not to get all the "so when are you going to get a girlfriend" questions.
As for early romantic/sexual encounters, I used web-based hook-up sites (there are plenty of them around, as well as dating sites, but be aware there are lots of weirdos on them, as well as rude people).
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25 year old guy thinking of coming-out. Looking for advice and guidance.
