Crying Because I'm A Wimp

[Rae]

I wanted to use a different term but idk I'm too polite with that...

Anyway, allow me to explain from the beginning

When I first joined here, I had just been dumped (but was still friends with) a guy we'll call G. He was a FtM transgender so along with his own pile of issues, he had me (18 at the time) being a pain in the ass and practically clinging to him and our broken relationship (that I broke but be pointed out it was broken).
I realize in retrospect that I was a bitch. I didn't give him space and I was always shoving my nose in his business. Because of this we had a massive falling out and stopped talking for about a year.
During this year, the following had happened to me...

- I tried getting into a relationship with two other people (a guy who was nice but far from my type and a girl that has been a great friend for years but I only saw her as that, a great friend) both of which didn't last a month
- I became deeply depressed so I put all my focus in school and my art (I flunked most classes and my art has been severely lacking)
- I began having dreams...

Now the dreams are where it gets interesting
In these dreams, I would constantly be looking for something. For the first month or so, I didn't know what I was looking for. Then one dream I told someone I was looking for G, by name. I woke up confused and angry. But from there every dream I had I was looking for him, this time fully aware of my quest. One dream I found him and I began beating him while crying, but all he did was block a few hits and just tell me it was okay. I woke up crying from that dream. After that dream I continued my search (in dreams), this time I was so close to finding him, and occasionally I'd see a glimps of him and my heart would feel so full and I would feel like every bit of my depression had lifted away. Then I would wake up again and feel empty and cold...

Well, a few weeks ago I took the initiative and got a hold of him again. I told him how guilty I felt for how I acted, but left out the dreams and depression. We've chatted and every single time I see a new email from him I smile so wide, but I feel so sad. It was only about two week ago that I was talking to my best friend, Julia, and I had the realization that led me to tears!

I love him more than I could ever explain or even comprehend myself

He and his girlfriend broke up recently as well (this was after my epiphany) and so I've been there for him as a friend but all I want to do it tell him how no matter how hard I try, I can't be without him

I made the conscious decision to tell him, and I even had it planned out

I'd tell him how I still love him but more than anything I want him in my life so even if I have to live with him as just a friend, I'd be okay with that because he'd still be in my life

But I can't do it

I was talking to him today and I had it all planned but every time I tried I chickened out and promptly changed the subject

A part of me is horrified of rejection
Another wants to be more than friends so I don't want to use that "friends is okay" bull
But then another part knows without him somewhere in my life I'd feel empty again
and the final part wants to kick all those parts asses and just tell him how I feel

I'm terrified though
And I want to cry because from the moment I met him, something clicked and even though I wouldn't confess it to myself, I loved him even then

I know I'm only 20, and that I could just be naive
But I prefer the thought that for almost three years, I've loved him
Even when I was angry at him for breaking my heart, I loved him
Even when we were just friends making dumb jokes to his (at the time) girlfriend, I loved him
Even now, I love him

I don't know what to do
I want to tell him
But I don't want to lose him

[Woollyhats]

Considering that you are currently in torture...

Tell him.

1) He rejects you. Torture continues, but since you know you have been rejected you can move on with your life.

2) A beautiful thing happens.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yes Rae you are 20 - no doubt you are naive in many ways, but you appear to really, really know you heart because your whole body and brain have been telling you what it is you want - or whom.

You have been emotionally invested in this fella for 3 years...

At your age that is a significant chunk of your lifetime - and if we just say adult lifetime - well then all of your legal adult lifetime you have carried the torch for this fellow....

I'm pointing this out to you to give you an idea of how your age is going to affect how you view this whole situation - its not a bad thing nor a good thing it is a thing that just is.

One thing to consider here is he is 'recently' out of a relationship. The last thing he needs at this time is to rebound. And its the last thing you need as well.

I suggest (oh its not going to be easy) but I suggest you play the role of 'good friend' for a while and try to keep your rational brain in control of the emotional side. Get a feel for what it is he needs in his life at this time.

Need and Want are often two vastly different things, often they are in opposition, many times the conflict between the two can tear a person apart.

You may WANT to be in a relationship with him as a lover, but that may not been what you NEED.

He may WANT to get involved to help forget the ex, but that may not be what he NEEDS.


It may help if you sit down with a pen/pencil and a pad of paper and right down a list of pro's and con's on various aspects of this situation.

Such as a list of how badly a rebound relationship can possibly go for him, and how badly it can go for you - that would be two lists.

A list of possible secondary reasons why you desire to be part of an "us" (in a relationship) over being a single individual. Yes I know, few people like to be alone, however liking being part of a relationship and having ulterior motives to be in one are not always the same thing.

Your lists are for you and you only, by writing down these sorts of things you may gain a bit of insight as to what is driving you at this time, thus may gain insight as to the wisdom of pursing a relationship with this dude - ever.

I assume you two will be spending time in communication. I would suggest you take the time to query him about his needs/wants at this time - don't be afraid to ask him his stance on getting into another relationship with anyone at this time. He may express a serious reluctance to throw himself at another person this early in the game.

This is not the same thing as his rejecting you personally - rejecting the idea of being in a relationship at any moment in life isn't total rejection of a person.

Lovers and friends works best if that SO is BOTH at the same the same time. There is no reason why you cannot build a stronger, best friends sort of relationship here.

Once you find out his stance on potential relationship/dating at this time - then you can plot a solution as to when to break it to him that you have feelings and interest in him beyond 'just friends'.

Personally, I have a general rule of a 'one year after' before I start doing the dating/relationship thing. Frankly if I fail to observe a year of celibacy and alone-time things go stray in the dating/relationship department. No its not easy, yest the heart is a terrible horrible monster and love releases chemicals that completely addle the rational part of the brain and leads us to doing really stupid stuff...

However a year of being single seems to be a magical thing, it allows one enough time to 'get over' the bastard/bitch that they left - gives them enough time to stop thinking in terms of 'us' and 'we' and start thinking in terms of 'me' and 'I'... Break-ups start of nicely often enough, then ugly emotions come in and things turn ugly for a while - about a year allows one to explore the ugly, get it out of one's system and really move on.


Trust me, you do not want to be the 'rebound lover' - such rebound relationships do not fare well. He needs time, thus you have time to explore your own feelings here and come up with a reasonable time to ask him about a potential us.... like a few months down the road.

Meanwhile, build the relationship you have with him, try to see if just friends can be best friends.

Lastly, breath.... humans tend to stop doing that when they need to do it most....

In and out, in and out....

you will be fine.

[Rae]

Thanks Bowyn
I can't express through just words how much I appreciate the advice and how much I fully agree

G has a tendency to bounce back fairly easily, but I may put a bug in his ear that he should take time to himself. Before his last girlfriend was me, and before me was a girl named Natalie. Before her, I don't really know. Between each relationship, I think he maybe took six months. With that said, I'm going to suggest he takes a year, as you suggested. This will also give me time to put my thoughts and feelings into words and figure out what I want as well.

My only fear is he will find someone else and I may never get the chance.
I try hard to believe in soul mates, but I suppose with the divorce rates in the US it's kinda hard.
With that said, though, when I think of G, I think of my parents. They're not lovey-dovey googly eyes at each other and I've never seen them like that. Ever. But despite this they've been married for over 25 years. Most impressive is my dad's a military raised, bipolar, retired police officer. My mom, though, is ADHD, creative, and job hopped for the first 30+ years of her life before landing on something that somehow is still holding her attention.
They are opposites, but they've made it work into a functioning relationship and that's what I want.
I believe G can give that to me.

[southbiochem]

Bowyn has already put quite a picture. I'm just going to be reiterative on a couple of things that maybe important

For now, Rae, for now. Hold it in. Rejection is rejection, but non-rejection would be rebound and those are never good.

After a time has passed (knowing him like you do, you'll know when he is back on track) then you can take your chance and tell him.

For now, be what he probably needs at the moment, which is a close friend.

[Rae]

*nods* yeah

I'll have to be patient and have a lot of self control but it will be worth it, I know it

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Few LTR are about lovey dovey, hot passion etc. Love cools, deepens and other stuff happen. Most kids just don't know that, so they think that when the hot passion has passed that the love is dead... its not dead, its evolved and it requires the couple figuring out exactly how it has evolved for them.

Your folks did thus have 25 years and going....

Maybe ask mom how it is she and dad have managed to stick it out this long... She may surprise you with her answer(s) on what love is about.